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He has no time for me I was just searching because my

He has no time...

He has no time for me

I was just searching because my husband works all the time and when he doesnt he talks to his brother on skype or sits in front of the television with a larger .

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

I am perfectly happy and in love , but my husband works all the time because he has a self employed buisness and also because he loves his job . I also have a buisness and we have two children between us . I also work alot . I am happy that we are not with each other all the time but it gets to the point that I feel we never even have a conversation . Probably I am quite boring which is why when he is not working he needs to relax by watching the TV or skyping his brother . When we do get to be with each other for a whole day its amazing and all the love comes back but inbetween times which can be a month or more I start to feel distant , unloved and just a burden . When I have problems or worries I cant talk about it , because he doesnt have the time and it just annoys him . I feel like I am a burden for him . I have tried to talk to him , but I feel he doesnt really understand it and just says " So I am in the wrong" , takes the offensive . Perhaps I dont know the right words , or approach him wrong . But I just feel distant , and feel that my needs are not taken care of . I think he feels emotional needs are not a need . He is less needy then me . He spends very little time with our girls , but feels that it is not needed and that love is there anyway . His needs are certainly different then mine I think , hence the conflict . My father died last December and he found it very difficult to cope with my emotions to the point that on one occassion he shouted at me alot and threatened to go away for the night and that I should see a psychologist because I am crazy . This just made me worse and I felt I had noone in the world . He does love me but I realise he can not cope with emotion . The problem is I need someone who can . I try very very hard to keep my emotions in . It is easier for him . If I talk about the loss of my dad or any other emotions he just says "what am I surposed to do " . He feels like he has to fix it , and ometimes gets quite angry if I talk about my feelings . He says he can not understand . This worries me for our future as we get older and maybe more problems arise . Everything emotionally is fine right now , things are good but its when crisis hit such as the death of my dad , when you go to your loved ones for support . But though I desperatly need my husband for that , he can not give it too me . He has no time for me , and when he does then only for the happy times . The sad times he can not cope with . I am not sure if I make sence . I tried so many times to talk about this but he just doesnt understand .

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

I dont know . I just wrote how I feel .

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Answered in 1 day by:
10/12/2017
Martin
Martin, Engineer
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 5,005
Experience: i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
Verified

Hi, i will try to help.

I would need some information first.

What kind of self employed job he have, mechanician, trucker?

What are the usual conversation subject he have with his brother, do they see each other often, does he have many friends?

Does he have hobbies?

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Thank you for your reply ! He owns a bus buisness. He is either driving for many hours or in his office with paper work or mending the bus . He also rents out an apartment so he is sometimes letting people in . He also works as a caretaker for a lady who has a villa . We live in Hungary and his brother lives in Germany . They are close and rarely see each other . I dont know what he talks about with his brother , but usually its his brother and wife together . They are very nice people . My husband László doesn't have any friends that he socialises with , or speaks to because he is always busy . But he does have friends , which he has had since child hood . He doesnt have any hobbies because he says he has no time . If he had the time he would play tennis . Yesturday he did put the phone down and come and talk to me , and he did notice that I needed time with him . It was really nice , but I did feel he did it because he felt he should . I feel most things are because he feels he should . For example its our daugters birthday and I have been arranging it all . He is going to come , but I feel its abit of a burden for him . Hes loosing time he could be working . Its possiable I am just over sensitive . I just wish sometimes I could see some excitement in his eyes . Our dish washer hasnt worked for three years , but he keeps saying 'Tomorrow' I will look for the guarantee . I offered to just go out and buy one , but then he just gets annoyed . I needed some pictures on the wall , and he was mad that he had no time . But when I try and be independant it all goes wrong . I feel like I am on a no win . If I want something , and happy to go ahead and do it myself , I feel so guilty . I think he feels guilty that he cant do it . Its like this no win situation . I think the main issue is we have no time together to talk , so when we do it just ends up abit of a mess . Right now hes watching the TV as this is the only way he can relax (he says) where I am desperate for us to go for a walk or something active . I could just go out , but I am scared if I start becoming too independant we will just grow apart even more . I am very independant , and my girls are big now , so if he just wants to sit in front of the TV I am quite happy to go to an exercise class for an hour or go and make some new friends . What do you think I should do ?

Does he watch something special on TV, or he surf mindlessly? That would give me a bit of hint on what are his interest without knowing what he talk about with his brother. Don't give me name but description as i am not likely to know much hungarian TV program. Do he just watch TV or does he watch some youtube video with that?

Also, was he always a bit like that or did they started all of a sudden or was it progressive?

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
He watches mindlessly I think , and always falls asleep . Though he does not like soap operas . He likes the news and real people programms . A good action film also . I have caught him on YouTube watching silly 3 minute clips . I think when the paper work gets too much he looses his focus for abit . When he does talk to his brother I think it's about work and general catch up on what's new with both of them . I think it's been like that always , just it seems more intense right now . Come to think of it when his mum comes round to stay , he doesn't really chat with her , but puts the tv on and does the same . Even though he hasn't seen her for months on end . I feel sorry so I go and chat with her . Maybe I am just old fashioned .

He is just not much into emotion (soap and mainly about those), he is very pragmatic. The reason why guys usually like action movie is not so much about the action, it is about the clean cut between good and bad (very binary emotion, not much nuance between the two).

The TV and why he fall asleep on it is because it is very passive entertainment. There is a very physical reason about this. It is probably worst on cold day than hot day. If he was more in shape, doing more sport he would be less exhausted. So even if this take a bit of time in the week (even better each day), in the long run it would save him time (better concetration also come out of this). That may also explain why it is getting worst, he is less and less in shape. Also being always exhausted mean that you have no time or will to implement time saver, and like the dish washer, one procrastinate them forever because the will is always crushed down.

As for the emotional connection, being exhausted sure impact them as the body have more priority to handle. That said, he may register on the asperger spectrum range. With those you have to accept emotion will be on the low side. Usually this come with a very high ethic sense, very focused occupation, difficulty in communication with those non used (unlike his child-hood friends or brother) to him (like his mother).

So, in the end, get him into sport and for the emotion try to make him attend workshop about expressing himself (art, poetry etc...). An asperger can be fully emotionally competent, but it is as hard than for a layman to learn to play a piano.

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Thank you for your answer . It all makes perfect sense . Can you please just explain this bit . I dont understand the expression 'with those unused'? difficulty in communication with those non used (unlike his child-hood friends or brother) to him (like his mother).Can you be sure that he might be slightly asperger ? My niece has this and he is nothing like her . Is there a home test for this ? He has a tendency to lose his temper quickly , and shouts alot . But it is over in seconds , and then he acts as if nothing has happened . He says he has to let the anger out , he cant keep it inside . He is very clever , and cant understand why others can't do something . He doesnt think he is clever, but just normal . He has difficulty in putitng himself into other peoples shoes, so he cant understand why someone would behave a different way to him . Would these also be traits of asperger ? Can these traits be reversable ?

As in not used to, not familar, not accustomed

That new description is really Asperger to me.
Can't be reversed but the subject can compensate with training. In invite you and him to read this book on the subject (it exist also in audio book, that is how i did read it):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Look_Me_in_the_Eye

Martin
Martin, Engineer
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 5,005
Experience: i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
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