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Teacher Editor
Teacher Editor, Teacher
Category: General
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I am a 70 year old female college professor who was in an exclusive

Customer Question

I am a 70 year old female college professor who was in an exclusive relationship with a 73 year old male former pilot (B) for the past 4 years during which time he broke up 3 times due to minor communication issues in which B labeled me "unacceptable." He would break up then want to talk and write almost immediately to "work things out." The last break-up was last November. He has a very mean, verbally abusive, dark side for which he blames his heart that was not functioning well, but it seems to be a re-occurring pattern of around every 6 months. He has medication for the heart issue, but each time B broke up, the dark side was clear. His entire countenance changes in verbal responses, facial expressions, and disposition, almost as if he is another person. We have mutual friends in a singles club and go to the same places for dancing. He thought the women in the club all loved him, but he perserverates, and they have little tolerance of him. For the last few months, I have happily started seriously dating another man, and B is now wanting me back. For the first time, B is saying "I love you. I cannot live without you." He is saying suicide in his statements; we agreed to go to counseling. He came with 4 pages of his view of our history, the first was nice, 3 were dark. On almost every day, he is repeatedly calling, texting, showing up unannounced at my work and at my homes in the city, in the country. I've seen him in his car in my neighborhood late at night, 30 miles away from his home. I am trying to move on. He wants a second appointment with the counselor next week with me, but I'm not sure if I should go. I was hoping for help with the details of his dark side and with the issue of suggested suicide. Day before yesterday, he showed up at my city house unannounced, then as I returned from my granddaughter's dance recital, he was again at my house and I saw him in his car again around 1 AM.Yesterday, he came to my country home unannounced and then to my work, followed me back to my country house, then to the city house. I'm feeling highly stressed and have difficulty sleeping. I'm seeking advice on a solution in this complicated issue.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: General
Expert:  Teacher Editor replied 2 years ago.
This sounds like he has an unhealthy infatuation with you. From a third person perspective, it seems that you want to move on and he does not, and it also seems that he is nice when you are not together but yet what he is doing now borders on making you uncomfortable. In this situation, he probably needs to talk to someone and you need your space. It's difficult because he is exhibiting these behaviors where he is making you uncomfortable. I would maybe tell him that you need some space and to give you that space. In that time, if you want to date others, you should and if he keeps doing things like this that make you uncomfortable, be very clear with him that you may seek outside help such as a protection order. You can also try to just not respond to him.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
This response is not informative to the particulars of the situation. I require more detailed and specific information especially regarding the suicide and mood changing situation. I am not satisfied with the above answer that seems to gloss over the pertinent parts of my issues.
Expert:  Teacher Editor replied 2 years ago.
I believe that he needs to seek professional help. It seems that the thought of not being with you is leading him to become somewhat unstable and for that, he needs to seek a professional. It sounds like he is losing control of the relationship you both have together and this may be causing him to spiral somewhat out of control. Either that or he is using it as a control tactic in order to keep you in his life because he knows how you will respond.