Ok, this is a stripped down bare minimum summary: Im a…

Yes, it makes sense.

It's kind of complex though. I can't say I know exactly my wife's perspective (I don't think even she knows) and my thoughts on it have grown kind of harsh but at this point my best guess as to my wife's perspective is that it doesn't have anything to do with me.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Mine was super ultra stable, positive, loving, and healthy back for generations with my parents and grandparents on both sides. Many people my wife included seem to think that my growing up was a TV fantasy world.

When my wife and I first married she was so critical and negative of everything that I did I tried to understand why and she said it was issues with her past marriage. Time passed and I tried to be a good husband but she only became more critical and negative. No longer blaming her past marriage but blaming me specifically, this kept up. Then she was pregnant and it got yet worse. She said it was the hormones from being pregnant that made her so critical and negative. It continued and she said it was stress from work as she become an RN (nurse) in an emergency room. Still things got even worse and she said it was all my fault. While she was pregnant I began to suspect and realize that her dislike or negativity or whatever towards me probably doesn't have anything to do with me. Over the following years I've come to believe this is true.

My wife's mother is the meanest person I've ever met, she didn't even come to our wedding. I've lived in the same town that she has lived in ever since my wife and I married and not once have we gone to her mothers house. Her mom avoids her and us to the point of meanness. My parents live an hour away and take the kids every other weekend; My wife's mother has never taken the kids.

My wife's father who is a pastor left my wife's mother when my wife was in her early teens and is the most selfish person I know. He has little to do with us but does call on occasion and talks about himself. He never asks about my wife, our kids or us. I can see it really hurts her but I have a hard time relating because that experience is so foreign to me. Having in the most absolute terms the accept opposite relationships.

My guess is that a lot of the issues with me really have little to do with me. As to the partnership and priority issues it seems my wife has to maintain absolute authority and control of everything. Take for example money and finances. I am a CFO (Chief Financial Officer), an expert money manager, my wife has required I turn over my paychecks to her since we were married at first I didn't mind because it was a work stress I wouldn't have to handle at home. Problem is she has never told me how she spends or where the money goes. I started shortly after we were married asking for a budget and information. She has refused and even gets angry when I ask. "How dare I stress here out!" It's not just money but everything communications, household, children, sex, etc. It has to be everything exactly as she wants. It's quite crazy to me really. She even get's angry when I refer to the house as "our" home. "It's not our home it's my home." I think it is some type of defense response as from a early age she had a father that wasn't there and a mother that could careless so she had to take control of things to survive and make it on her own.

The irony is that I saw this as a strength it's what I love about her is her ability to survive and accomplish things on her own as a self-starter. I completely missed the controlling part. In hindsight, it was there I just couldn't see it. So, this is the reason why I think she feels that a partnership and putting me as a priority is something to hard for her to accomplish.

Like I said I think that is harsh. But it is honest, for years I've tried to internalize and make myself better. I feel like a dog chasing his tale. For example, she want's me to be more "romantic" so I come home early one day and make her a special scallop dinner. She then is upset because I spent to much money on dinner, not that I know what our money situation is to begin with. This is what it is like. She'll criticize me for not being involved in the house but get's mad when I call it our house. She'll be angry with me for not sharing my feelings and angry at me for my feelings. I have no idea what she really needs me to work on. It seems like everything all the time. Like I said I'm not perfect but I try; I know I'm not a completely bad person. I've got superb communications skills, I'm a good listener, I try to be responsive to her needs, I try to give her as much control and authority as she wants, I try to be a good helper to the kids, etc.

It is very confusing. But I don't think personally it is me. She says that I don't make her happy. She even swears that I "promised" I'd make her happy. There is no way on this one! I was raised and very strongly believe that we have to find are own self and our own happiness in God and on our own. I don't think it is healthy to rely on others. This makes her upset though she feels betrayed or something because I refuse to take responsibility for her happiness. She thinks it's me not caring.

My largest failing, I think, as a husband and father are that I haven't perfected a stoic nature. I struggle with mastery of my emotions. I have a long and slow fuse and am usually able to take anything and everything negative and find the positive in it and turn it around. Problem is I feel completely ignored, left out, and unable to turn anything positive with her - it is always the negative and always pointed at me, the kids or her work. Usually I think I come first on that list. I allow myself to become hurt and emotional. I've gotten upset and angry. I think I might even be depressed. I've never felt so tired in my life. It's absolutely crazy. I'm very sensitive and I've always been able to use that to understand people and relate but I can't figure her out and the negativity and criticism are so constant that I can't internalize it all without it affecting me emotionally.

My wife hasn't separated from me; although she might disagree on this one. I don't understand how she things she separated from me, but anyways. I am the one that left. I got angry and yelled at the kids. I wasn't really angry at them although they were being disrespectful of me but I was really more angry at my wife because she had encouraged it by ignoring me. She was angry that I had yelled at "her" kids. I felt disrespected by them, that she jumped to the conclusion that they didn't have anything to do with the misunderstanding and then even more by her and her "her kids" comment. They're supposed to be ours and I got angry and left in order to try and talk things out over the phone. After a couple of days she asked me to come back home. I refused because I couldn't go back to it. It hurts to much I can't handle it and stay unemotionally involved in it.

So, at 32 I moved back with my parents...ugh...to get my thoughts straight. I boiled everything down to two key things - priority and partnership. I listed out very specific ways she could make me a priority and partner. She agreed that those were valid and then has completely not done anything for two months to move anything forward. I've asked what I could do to help and she says that to not yell and get emotional about things and to be more romantic. I have agreed to work on those things although don't know exactly how to do that when she won't talk to me about our relationship or anything about our partnership and priority. I don't think I can remain absolutely stoic. Even Christ cried out. She says that she can't make me a priority now and that she thinks a partnership is a "lose lose" for her. Although she can't and won't explain what that means.

Two months passed of no forward progress. I realized reconciliation was going to be a long-term process and mentioned to her that I needed to not live on my parents dime any longer. I needed to take back over my paycheck and get my own place. This made her angry but I did it anyways out of necessity. At the time I kind of thought she agreed. So a month ago I got my own place (short-term lease). This made her super angry. She changed all the locks on the house so I couldn't get even my clothes and things. (I hadn't gone to her house without her permission. Never let myself in, when I picked up or dropped off my kids I'd always knock until she opened the doors.) In taking back my own paychecks and taking over the bills for my credit cards, savings accounts, lines of credit, etc. I realized that our financial situation is a wreck. I had a feeling it was going to be a wreck. So, I had to draw down some money out of a investment account to get myself a mat to sleep on, a chair, dishes, groceries, utilities down payments, etc. I tried to talk with her about this but she wouldn't talk to me about anything. I had to take a little bit of our investment fund (just a small amount). When she finds out about this she goes ballistic and throws all my stuff outside and demands I come get everything. I had said that I only needed a few things but I hope we can reconcile and I don't want to move back and forth over and over, she ignored that. I even said I didn't want to move everything out in front of the kids, she ignores that. And makes me get my stuff in front of the kids...ugh how humiliating. It's like everything I do makes things worse. I desperately want reconciliation! I feel like an utter failure. I manage a multi-million dollar companies finances and am flat broke. I have over 80 employees that I train on communication and working together. I can't even talk to my wife.

Have I gone to far? I know as Christian I'm suppose to follow Christ but is there a limit? It would be easier to be a martyr and be done with it. I know the hardest thing Christ endured wasn't the cross it was the kiss from Judas. I feel like I have to go back for that kiss from Judas over and over and over again. Is there a limit? Where is the balance? She won't get help, we're absolutely broke therapy for me seems so expensive when I have no money. Where do I go from here?

Does this answer reply go to both experts?

The first expert, Dr. Fuller. I don't agree with 100%. It is a partial answer maybe. I will accept it though, as I think it has valid points. I, as I obviously did, don't think asking for a partnership or priority is going to far or else I wouldn't have done it. But what should the limit be, how far are we to go as Christians in our sacrifice of ourselves?

I can't follow up on recommendations one because I can't listen to it anymore. I've reached some type of mental limit. For some reason it was four years of listening to reasons from why I am a horrible kisser to why I'm a bad husband. The only thing ever that has been positive was that I have a good work ethic and provide a good paycheck to the family and that I take care of the kids when she needs me. I'm a driver for the kids and a paycheck basically.

I'm an excellent communicator and great listener. I rose to Chief Financial Officer with a company before the age of thirty. I've read hundreds of books on communication and listening. And dozens on marriage, I no longer believe that it has anything to do with me. I do hope, but I feel like I'm waiting on a miracle. God can do wonders that is for sure but sometimes they don't take the form we expect. I feel like I'm waiting on divorce papers though.

I don't know why she married me. I'm not extremely romantic or funny. I'm an accountant after all. She'd gone through a bad relationship and was pregnant we'd had a relationship previously I had known her from high school her ex-boyfriend was trying to get her to have an abortion. I thought she was strong for leaving him. Raising two kids on her own, keeping the third. I always imagined having a strong mother for my children. She was a strong mother, getting a nursing degree on her own, working, raising two kids, no family support. I thought we would make a good team. I promised her I'd help her raise the kids, I'd love her children as my own. She married me, I think we rushed into things. I think she saw a good provider. Sad thing is I don't have to convince her of this. She could divorce me tomorrow and I'd still be a good provider, actively involved in the kids lives, I'd always pay child support and pick up bills. I feel used but I guess it's what I asked for. Problem is she can use me for money but I can't take the emotional pain.

I try and fill up a lot of ways, going to talk to a pastor friend today. I started exercising to fight the depression a couple months ago (I've lost over 10 pounds in two months) still feel more tired then I ever have in my life. I'm working harder at my job to occupy my time. My prayers have changed from thankfulness to asking for help more. But I'm still empty, nothing left to give. So, I think your right about this. I don't feel like I can go back for more. I can't take it.

So, it seems your advice or answer is I should go back for more but I've just got to figure out how to fill up more. Do I understand that correctly? I read books about Christ, Ghandi, MLK, people in prison camps, how do they forgive? How do they continue? Maybe it has to do with choice? Those people for the most part were thrust into those situations where more was at stake then themselves they couldn't back out for the sake of the salvation of mankind, a nation, or a race. Or they were forced under death to learn how to cope and forgive and love their enemies. I know my wife isn't my enemy but she sure seems to treat me as one. Maybe God fills us up when we choose to put ourselves back into those situations on faith. Should I try to push my way back into her life? She won't even talk to me right now. But should push or give her space? If I can't bring myself to push back in and listen to her, which I can't yet, have I failed?

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX to think about. I'm also talking with a pastor as well.

Dr, Fuller, I think you are spot on with the reconciliation part. I desperately want a partnership with my wife not a reconciliation exactly. In order to have that I feel as if she would have to change. I also want that for my family, especially, my children. This world is not a soft place and I worry for my little girls. They and the boys I fear will be very rebellious as they get older in response to her controlling nature and I worry about that.

I do feel guilty - not convicted - but guilty and that doesn't feel healthy. I'm going to work on the spiritual filling up and try and wait patiently for whatever will come. I'll definitely read over these messages often too.

Thanks.