General
Ask Experts & get answers to your questions - ASAP
Connect one-on-one with {0} who will answer your question
Answered in 39 minutes by:
11/15/2011
SpiritualDenise, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 2,806
Experience: Spiritual Consultant and Life Coach.
VerifiedWell, what I see here is someone who does want to be loved and love but cannot trust a soul. Poor, dear Bob.
Honestly, what is wasting your time? You love this man. I told ya he would call you :) But he is scared of his own shadow. His best friend is literally his dog. An animal is the only thing he can really trust. I have a feeling he uses adult beverages to mask the pain of feeling so alone. The fact that he didn't look your friend in the eye is tragic; it is almost as if he doesn't believe he deserves human company and he didn't want your friend to think he was happy.......
That is one thing I really wanted to ask you about Bob, and this is important for you.....
Can you think of a time when this man has ever had a good laugh about something? I mean a big belly laugh that brings tears to the eyes? He just seems so miserable.
Rule Number 6 is great......but I do believe Dr Dryer has books about adult children of alcoholics? This man (Bob) is a case study. He is almost ashamed to be happy. That is the elephant in the living room, Sheila. He feels shame and fear about being happy.
As you see, he finds it very hard to commit to ANYTHING. He always uses terms like "we should do this sometime"......"I will likely be there"......he needs to know that it is OKAY to feel what he is feeling.....he is taking life too seriously because that is all he knows.
So my opinion? You are going to have a battle on your hands, but I would never give up hope on dear Bob. But don't ask him to change anything or really understand what Mr Dryer is trying to say (of course this has nothing to do with Bob's intellectual ability, it is his fear of being happy.....because for him the consequence in his family of origin was something bad happening as a result) at this time. It took ALOT of courage for him to ring you up. I am not saying he is a saint and you should drop everything for him.
But he is showing affection and caring in the only way he knows how......and he will continue to take life very seriously. He probably has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Think of him as a survivor........I mean, saying don't take life seriously doesn't register with someone who has been through so much (please don't take that to mean that you didn't mean that in the kindest way possible, I know you Sheila). And I see that he has been through alot, more than you know from his family.....particularly his father.
So this is your choice, not mine.......he is a survivor of trauma. You can be a support, but as for him turning it around and smiling and saying "You are right Sheila, I want to change"......I don't see that happening for awhile. Children in abusive homes are told not to look people in the eyes, or they try to avoid it. Bob is a child of abuse in his heart. Give him the unconditional kindness I know you will and he will be your friend.........but as for romance, well that is going to take some time, of course.
Guess what card I just pulled for him? The Hermit. He is alone, and lonely and you are a ray of hope in his world. However, only you can decide if you want to take on this responsibility.......because he refuses to see the light of hope. Let's hope he joins you for Thanksgiving. I feel that the Universe put you two together for a reason. You both love each other......but love is knowing the limits of a person's ability to love in return, is it not?
Much love to you,
Denise
Honestly, what is wasting your time? You love this man. I told ya he would call you :) But he is scared of his own shadow. His best friend is literally his dog. An animal is the only thing he can really trust. I have a feeling he uses adult beverages to mask the pain of feeling so alone. The fact that he didn't look your friend in the eye is tragic; it is almost as if he doesn't believe he deserves human company and he didn't want your friend to think he was happy.......
That is one thing I really wanted to ask you about Bob, and this is important for you.....
Can you think of a time when this man has ever had a good laugh about something? I mean a big belly laugh that brings tears to the eyes? He just seems so miserable.
Rule Number 6 is great......but I do believe Dr Dryer has books about adult children of alcoholics? This man (Bob) is a case study. He is almost ashamed to be happy. That is the elephant in the living room, Sheila. He feels shame and fear about being happy.
As you see, he finds it very hard to commit to ANYTHING. He always uses terms like "we should do this sometime"......"I will likely be there"......he needs to know that it is OKAY to feel what he is feeling.....he is taking life too seriously because that is all he knows.
So my opinion? You are going to have a battle on your hands, but I would never give up hope on dear Bob. But don't ask him to change anything or really understand what Mr Dryer is trying to say (of course this has nothing to do with Bob's intellectual ability, it is his fear of being happy.....because for him the consequence in his family of origin was something bad happening as a result) at this time. It took ALOT of courage for him to ring you up. I am not saying he is a saint and you should drop everything for him.
But he is showing affection and caring in the only way he knows how......and he will continue to take life very seriously. He probably has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Think of him as a survivor........I mean, saying don't take life seriously doesn't register with someone who has been through so much (please don't take that to mean that you didn't mean that in the kindest way possible, I know you Sheila). And I see that he has been through alot, more than you know from his family.....particularly his father.
So this is your choice, not mine.......he is a survivor of trauma. You can be a support, but as for him turning it around and smiling and saying "You are right Sheila, I want to change"......I don't see that happening for awhile. Children in abusive homes are told not to look people in the eyes, or they try to avoid it. Bob is a child of abuse in his heart. Give him the unconditional kindness I know you will and he will be your friend.........but as for romance, well that is going to take some time, of course.
Guess what card I just pulled for him? The Hermit. He is alone, and lonely and you are a ray of hope in his world. However, only you can decide if you want to take on this responsibility.......because he refuses to see the light of hope. Let's hope he joins you for Thanksgiving. I feel that the Universe put you two together for a reason. You both love each other......but love is knowing the limits of a person's ability to love in return, is it not?
Much love to you,
Denise
Hi there Sheila....
My advice would be to not discuss with him his past for the moment. Or the fact that he is isolating himself because of trauma or growing up in an alcoholic family (and yes, I felt from the start that that was part of the spark on your part......you felt he was familiar to you right? That he would understand what it is like to go through that craziness).
I suppose what I would do......is due to the fact that Bob feels nervous and that "the pressure is on him" (even though it doesn't take much to get this reaction from him).....would be to say "you know, sometimes it is hard for me to enjoy things.....I still think back to my family, especially my mother. It is so hard for me to be happy at times, have you ever felt that way? I guess maybe we are all different and you might not know where I am coming from..but sometimes I just feel like no one understands how empty I feel at times" (of course you are telling him his own feelings, but this would be the best way to get him to 1) empathize 2) see that you understand and 3) talk about himself if he feels like it without feeling pressure to do so).
I mean, you are alluding to his laughter from the past. He is retreating into his Bob cave. Maybe this is a way to help him feel more comfortable about being honest......and without pressure.
Why couldn't you picture Bob with his wife? Was she a passive closet drinker? Probably quite a bit different than you. That is what usually happens.....he picked someone who would be chaotic like what he grew up in. Poor dear man. I am glad that you are still in contact with him. You must be a breath of fresh air.
Much love,
Denise
My advice would be to not discuss with him his past for the moment. Or the fact that he is isolating himself because of trauma or growing up in an alcoholic family (and yes, I felt from the start that that was part of the spark on your part......you felt he was familiar to you right? That he would understand what it is like to go through that craziness).
I suppose what I would do......is due to the fact that Bob feels nervous and that "the pressure is on him" (even though it doesn't take much to get this reaction from him).....would be to say "you know, sometimes it is hard for me to enjoy things.....I still think back to my family, especially my mother. It is so hard for me to be happy at times, have you ever felt that way? I guess maybe we are all different and you might not know where I am coming from..but sometimes I just feel like no one understands how empty I feel at times" (of course you are telling him his own feelings, but this would be the best way to get him to 1) empathize 2) see that you understand and 3) talk about himself if he feels like it without feeling pressure to do so).
I mean, you are alluding to his laughter from the past. He is retreating into his Bob cave. Maybe this is a way to help him feel more comfortable about being honest......and without pressure.
Why couldn't you picture Bob with his wife? Was she a passive closet drinker? Probably quite a bit different than you. That is what usually happens.....he picked someone who would be chaotic like what he grew up in. Poor dear man. I am glad that you are still in contact with him. You must be a breath of fresh air.
Much love,
Denise
SpiritualDenise, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 2,806
Experience: Spiritual Consultant and Life Coach.
VerifiedSpiritualDenise and 87 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Customer replied 9 years ago
wow you amaze me with how you can read people!! I will attach a pic of Bob's ex-wife...I do think she was a drinker.. both were
here is a pic of bob and I
We ....Deb and I are so different...when I met her she seemed so cold...I am very warm
I couldn't picture them together??
here is a pic of bob and I
We ....Deb and I are so different...when I met her she seemed so cold...I am very warmI couldn't picture them together??
Yes, she looks about what I imagined in my mind. Pretty tough cookie! Wow, that child has the looks of Bob......I can see it in the eyes especially, I guess regardless of what the child's relationship is to him, he just has that little twinkle. It also makes me think how maybe you unconsciously chose a picture of her with a child since we are talking about the fact that Bob's innocence was shattered pretty early on......and then I was going to post this reply and you posted your photo with Bob!
YOU my friend can also read people! Wow! There is so much compassion from you for this man....you are a gem. So kind you are! And I say that with true sincerity.
xo
Denise
YOU my friend can also read people! Wow! There is so much compassion from you for this man....you are a gem. So kind you are! And I say that with true sincerity.
xo
Denise
SpiritualDenise, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 2,806
Experience: Spiritual Consultant and Life Coach.
VerifiedSpiritualDenise and 87 other General Specialists are ready to help you
Well, I totally understand why you wrote this email.......it certainly conveys that you are rather frustrated.
However, knowing Bob, he will take this as "shaming" him and will think you are giving him a sermon. He is the child of an alcoholic family, so that pops up very quickly, you know? Even though the words are lovely, he is going to take it as you "pressuring" him and he probably won't even remember the rest of the email after the first sentence. I am NOT saying you are or these words are in any way lacking in compassion....it just is a knee jerk reaction with this man......and no, you didn't mess it up.......you just have to realize that you are dealing with someone who thinks everything in the form of a "you" statement is going to sound scary to him.
So make it short and sweet, is my humble opinion.......and remember "you" statements will get him running for the hills.
Hello Bob! I have been thinking about you. I just love you so much, but you already know that :) I hope we can see each other on Turkey Day (keep it humorous and light with Bob, that is why I wrote Turkey Day here).....grandma would so love to see you there as well. I was feeling how sometimes I dwell on the past and with you I just want to move forward. So I really look forward to celebrating with you and seeing you again.
I think that is what life is all about, and I would be so happy to have you by my side. You know how I feel on this end. Love you!
Sheila :)
So how does that sound?
Much love,
Denise
However, knowing Bob, he will take this as "shaming" him and will think you are giving him a sermon. He is the child of an alcoholic family, so that pops up very quickly, you know? Even though the words are lovely, he is going to take it as you "pressuring" him and he probably won't even remember the rest of the email after the first sentence. I am NOT saying you are or these words are in any way lacking in compassion....it just is a knee jerk reaction with this man......and no, you didn't mess it up.......you just have to realize that you are dealing with someone who thinks everything in the form of a "you" statement is going to sound scary to him.
So make it short and sweet, is my humble opinion.......and remember "you" statements will get him running for the hills.
Hello Bob! I have been thinking about you. I just love you so much, but you already know that :) I hope we can see each other on Turkey Day (keep it humorous and light with Bob, that is why I wrote Turkey Day here).....grandma would so love to see you there as well. I was feeling how sometimes I dwell on the past and with you I just want to move forward. So I really look forward to celebrating with you and seeing you again.
I think that is what life is all about, and I would be so happy to have you by my side. You know how I feel on this end. Love you!
Sheila :)
So how does that sound?
Much love,
Denise
SpiritualDenise, Consultant
Category: General
Satisfied Customers: 2,806
Experience: Spiritual Consultant and Life Coach.
VerifiedSpiritualDenise and 87 other General Specialists are ready to help you
How JustAnswer works
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
Chat 1:1 with an expertLicensed Experts are available 24/7
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Related General Questions
Hello Denise, “The card I drew for if there is anything
Hello Denise, “The card I drew for if there is anything new on the horizon.......was the Ten of Swords. This is a card about a complete ending of mental anguish, and I do believe you will heal conside… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, One more thing...I should probably send a message
Hello Denise, One more thing...I should probably send a message to Bob to let him know all these things I have done were because I loved Garry too...it hasn't been for any other reason and I would hav… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Kevin, It has been bitter sweet holiday for me…please
Hello Kevin, It has been bitter sweet holiday for me…please tell me 2012 will be different. I told you of Bob…and how I wish to be with him…well his best friend died on 12/23/2011. I loved him as well… read more
Kevin
2,138 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Bob sent me a text to let me know that Garry
Hello Denise, Bob sent me a text to let me know that Garry passed away last night. Garry's daughter also sent me a message on facebook to let me know, I hardly knew her so I was touched that she thoug… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, I need your advise as to how to reply to Bobs
Hello Denise, I need your advise as to how to reply to Bob's email….he only gave me a couple lines response….but I still want to reply, he may be mad at what I wrote ….please read below. I learned las… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Well I picked out 2 cards.....one said "Wishing
Hello Denise, Well I picked out 2 cards.....one said "Wishing you peace in your little corner of the world" you open it up and it says "Merry Christmas" and plays the song "have yourself a merry littl… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, I was asked to dinner by a man I went out
Hello Denise, I was asked to dinner by a man I went out with a couple of times before Bob and I got back together the last time. I accepted....as a friend, my girlfriend that was in town told me I sho… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Bloo1, I sent Bob an email and I wanted a second opinion...what
Hello Bloo1, I sent Bob an email and I wanted a second opinion...what do you think will come of this....will we be back together? Is he going to come around? Thank you so much for your time! Here is t… read more
Bloo1
Intuitive Tarot Reader and Psychic
Associate Degree
818 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Here is the email I sent and his response.
Hello Denise, Here is the email I sent and his response. Please tell me what you think of it. Can the cards tell you what he is thinking? I haven't heard from him since this morning. Here is what he s… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Bob really frustrates me, he seems so impersonal
Hello Denise, Bob really frustrates me, he seems so impersonal with me....Why even contact me? Here is some email correspondence with him. What do you think would happen if I told him what is going on… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Bloo1, I had dinner with Bob...it was so confusing.
Hello Bloo1, I had dinner with Bob...it was so confusing. I sent this email...how do you think it will be received?? Did I messed every thing up?? I told him I would send him "rule #6" he reminded me … read more
Bloo1
Intuitive Tarot Reader and Psychic
Associate Degree
818 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, I just had to email you as I miss talking to
Hello Denise, I just had to email you as I miss talking to you, you have become like a friend to me! I hope you are doing well. Can you give me a general reading...anything to look forward to in my im… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Bloo1, I was wondering if you could give me time line
Hello Bloo1, I was wondering if you could give me time line we started to talk about last night? Thank you very much for your help!! Sheila… read more
Bloo1
Intuitive Tarot Reader and Psychic
Associate Degree
818 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Ive missed talking with you. I hope you are
Hello Denise, I've missed talking with you. I hope you are doing well. I have been trying to do better. I am not sure what road to go down. It is like when I think of moving on and even the idea of an… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, I sent him another email this morning....i
Hello Denise, I sent him another email this morning....i reread what I wrote and thought he probably wouldn't get what I was trying to say.Here the email I sent and his reply.... From: Bob Sent: Frida… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Denise, Bob did email me today and I am not certain
Hello Denise, Bob did email me today and I am not certain as to how to respond, you are so good with words I ask for your help in finding the right words. Below you will find the trail of email corres… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Hello Michael, I havent heard from Bob yet...I had a dream
Hello Michael, I haven't heard from Bob yet...I had a dream last night, it was very scary I don't remember it by it was dark and i felt it was about Bob. Can you give me a reading in regards XXXXX XXX… read more
Michael Powers
Writer, Private Consultant
Master's Degree
320 satisfied customers
I just have to thank you for being direct with me..I need to
I just have to thank you for being direct with me..I need to appreciate me more!! After I told you that I was going to let Bob go...you said you thought I would meet someone in a social situation... w… read more
SpiritualDenise
Consultant
Master's Degree
2,806 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.
JustAnswer in the News:
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
What Customers are Saying:
Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.
Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!
Los Angeles, CA
Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.
Hesperia, CA
I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.
Kernersville, NC
Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.
Woodstock, NY
Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.
Elkton, Maryland
He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.
Dallas, TX
< Previous | Next >
Meet the Experts:
P. Simmons
Attorney
213 satisfied customers
45 years old, retired Marine Officer, current attorney
Kim D.
Consultant
34 satisfied customers
Researcher 25 yrs in small and large institutions
SuperiorConsultant
Internet Researcher
21 satisfied customers
BBA, serving as Marketing Executive and interested in tourism,sports, and anything and everything!
Michael
Librarian
4,004 satisfied customers
20+ years as information professional
Cher
Educator-40+ yrs
1,892 satisfied customers
M.A., B.A., Author, Information & Research Specialist
A. Schuyler
Research Analyst
1,194 satisfied customers
30 years in research
Joan
Internet Researcher
567 satisfied customers
I believe that knowledge is Power! I would like to try to share my knowledge with others.
< Previous | Next >
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.
