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AlexiaEsq., Managing Attorney
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 13544
Experience:  19+ Years of Legal Practice in Family law matters.
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My fiance wants to take our 4 month old daughter to visit his

Customer Question

My fiance wants to take our 4 month old daughter to visit his mother without me. Problem is his family doesnt want me around (very anal with baby's care). They want to do as they please with our daughter,... such as feed her whatever they feel is right like formula, rice cereal for example (still nursing and she still takes my breastmilk in a bottle ,not ready for that). How much say do I have in this situation, we have been having major issues, even to where he wants to take me to court.
Submitted: 8 years ago.
Category: Family Law
Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 8 years ago.


Thank you for your question and I look forward to assisting you. That being said...

In my opinion, you need to nip this bad behavior on fiancee's part, and that of his parents, in the bud. You are the mother, period, end of story. And their desire to keep you away while they take a visit is horrendous! And if you are thinking of marrying this man, I would think twice - he is clearly completely disrespecting you and also not a partner. Under these circumstances, when you have adverse extended family members seeking to separate you from your child so that they can clearly NOT stick to her diet (breastmilk is absolutely, undisputedly among experts, the best thing for your child AND understood by the Courts to be such) - and lest face it, they don't like you or respect you, and I suspect your fiance is partially, at least, to blame. I would play hardball - I would not let them see my child without me, and given their poor attitude, I would likely welcome them for a brief visit to my home but I would not even want to go to theirs. If they want to see the child, allow them to visit :)

But this is actually more frightening than that. I sense that they are hoping you will not be marrying their son and given their complete disrespect for your parentage (and your fiancee's ridiculous attitude), I would start protecting myself for future custodial battle - the writing is on the wall. And your fiance clearly hops to their "jump". I would not share this new knowledge with the fiancee! You will lose your upper hand - your upper hand right now is your ability to accumulate evidence without him hiding it. First, make sure to continue breastfeeding, bottle or other. Make sure to be unable to accumulate any great excess (i.e you don't want tons in the freezer that will last days or weeks if you are can't be with your child) - make sure that you are simply not able to produce enough to "get ahead'. DO NOT share this with anyone. My thought here (incidentally I too have a 4 month old, soon to be 5 months, but he is a boy, and I too pumped) is to make sure you have the legal upper hand for 1-2 years at least with regard to not being forced to be away from your very young child more than a couple of hours...this way you can likely win any legal battle in that regard. Woman, you have total say, so DON'T hand that over to the father or his parents, god forbid. And you really have to get rid of the father in terms of marrying him - he is so NOT on your team, and I dare say (after discussing this with my male legal colleague) that he, given his threats in particular, is looking to fight for custody, knowing you two will break up. But you have the opportunity to prepare in advance for this likelihood. Take it! And show him the abundance of documentatin showing the benefits of breastfeeding for a year, to buy you time to NOT show your cards while not allowing your child to be out of your custody. My fear is also that he may not return her, and then you have a battle. I also recommend, under these crazy circumstances, that you consult with a family attorney/custody in your locality (but not so local that the secretary who knows you might let it slip that you were in the office), on the sly, for an hour or so to get some input. I feel strongly you need to be proactively protective of yourself and your daughter, not that your fiance (ugh) is a danger, but because I sense he will seek to take her via custody.

Hope this helps to clarify.

I believe I have answered your question and I hope you a better understanding of your legal issue as a result. As you know, I am only the messenger and can not create favorable law if it doesn't exist, so please don't hold it against me if the legal result is not what you wish. If your question was in fact answered appropriately please click the GREEN "ACCEPT" button NOW, in order that it be recognized as such and I receive credit for my work from the company. This will not cost you anything, if you already deposited to the company for this service. Your promptness is greatly appreciated. In addition, Positive "FEEDBACK" and BONUSES are also appreciated. If you need additional related follow up on this particular question afterwards, don't hesitate to Reply and I'm happy to help you. And if you would like my assistance in the future, just put my name, STEPHANIE JOY, in your title or first sentence of post. Please keep in mind that I can only respond to your post and the information contained in it, as I do not know what you know unless you describe it fully. Also, due to site tech reasons, oftentimes I am initially only able to see the first part of your post, so I apologize in advance if it means more interactions between us. At times, there can also be a delay of an hour or more in between my answers because I may be helping other customers or taking a break, or if it is late at night, I may have to go get some shut eye til morning, but rest assured, I'll be back for you. Thanks!


Stephanie Joy

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AlexiaEsq. and 3 other Family Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 years ago.

Thank you for time in responding!

I do work and he is planning on picking her up while my mother is taking care of her. He feels that since my side of the family (my mom babysits her) is seeing her so much, then his family needs to catch up!(for lack of better words) I have mentioned that it is ok for "us" to visit her or for them to come visit the baby, but they want it under their terms. How can I document this evidence? (Him trying to take her without me being there!)



Expert:  AlexiaEsq. replied 8 years ago.
Try sending him emails (particularly if you do this as a form of communication anyway, so it won't look suspicious), indicating your reasons: i.e she is a breastfed baby and that is what is best for her healthwise and because the breasts are attached to you, she really can't be without you for more than 8 hours (or whatever time frame she already is while you work); that you have decided, long ago, as he well knows, that she was going to be breastfed and you really shouldn't jeopardize her best health so his parents can have fun; they are MORE then welcome to visit with her in your presence WHENEVER they want, but they must abide by her diet needs; that you would love for them to see her more, so they are welcome to visit or perhaps on a weekend here and there you can visit them as a family (are they far away?); that you do realize as they have told you, that they have no intention of keeping her on her healthy track and want to indulge her in ways not agreeable to you, so the grandparents need a little "eye" on them to keep them with her healthy program; and you are sure if he just thinks about it in light of what is best for your daughter, he will agree; (she is 4 months old for christsake!) Make it clear that you do not agree to them doing so and because they have made it clear that they plan to break her routine in a bad way at her very tender age (not to mention her little digestion system), you will not agree to have her go without you and you will advise your mom to let her go. However, you are very willing to go as a family, together, so his parents can see her in their home on occasion, but that they are ALWAYS more than welcome to visit her in your home, if that is really what their true wish is. "Catching up" so they are "equal" with visitation is ridiculous - a child's needs are not dicated by the grandparents immature jealousy that the other grandparent sees her more than they do - if that is their concern, they can hop in the car/plane and visit every week - I bet that would drive your fiancee crazy, lol............

I may not put all this in one email, but documenting your reasons well in advance can show that they are in good faith, well-discussed, and not made up.

If she were 8 and the grandparents wanted to spoil her, give her goodies, etc., my thought tends to be, OK, that's what grandparents are for, and why they only see her here and there, won't kill her...and she eats healthy most of the time...but at 4 months old, this is so not the case.....(I have a 2 year old daughter as well, and the first time we tried 1/2 and 1/2 formula/breastmilk around 6 months, maybe a little less (my work was really iminging on my milk supply due to pumping problems on the job, for practical reasons) -- she puked all over. Scary to see that little body wretching, it was terrible. But formula IS different, not just NOT as good, but a change (and god forbid back and forth changes) could be troublesome for her. I wish your fiance was more a family man with you, then whipped by his mama - my husband and I are SO on the same page, and even if we don't feel as strongly as the other on every single issue, we support one another. I wish that for you.

Please, please, go consult with a local attorney on this, it might cost you $100 or $300 or something, maybe not - there may be ways, in light of the lack of marriage, that can prevent him from as many rights as you (parental) until paternity is established. I assume that you put him on the birth certificate, but even still, an attorney consult can help you on this, if push comes to shove. And, if you didn't put him on the BC, you will have way more rights for now.

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