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David (Esq.)
David (Esq.), Family Law Attorney
Category: Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 32
Experience:  Over ten years practicing primarily family law
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Hi David, Thank you for your willingness to speculate ...

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Hi David, Thank you for your willingness to speculate based upon your experience as to what's motivating my future ex's resistence to a formal divorce. I'm taking the necessary action to move toward the divorce. I think your analysis is absolutely correct but wanted to hear it from an entirely objective party. At this point, I am not motivated to get involved in another relationship. I am pretty discouraged and disillusioned. While it may not be of much use in court, I have also employed a private investigator to establish and document that he sleeps at her house frequently - about 4 nights a week (in a comparatively seedy area to ours), that she has had use of our car, "openly" has a relationship with her 4 year old son and her mother and that she spends time in our town (a world away from hers) taking her child to a playground near our home.. My thinking is that, while it will probably be useless in court, this video taped evidence will make him very uncomfortable if it is shared with our friends and his family. In the beginning of their relationship, they spent their time together in our home where my clothing, jewelry and other personal things were, used my bathroom and personal items, while I was in Florida for several months with our daughter who is training to become a professional tennis player. I don't know if it's wise for me to date at this point or if that's irrelevant now. My goal, after being a stay at home wife and mother for 19 of our 21 years of marriage and being 47 years old, is to gain maintenance for life at the level I've become accustomed, with child support for my children's educations (which he has made clear he does not intend to pay because our son had many problems as an adolescent which required expensive rehab treatment and our daughter's tennis training over the years has been a major long term investment). Do you think it's acceptable for me to date and what do you think my chances are of getting the maintenance I'm after in NY State? My preference is to settle out of court in a timely fashion. As a legally irrelevant aside, he met this girl on a web site called! Perhaps remaining legally married gives him a sense of protection from making a real financial commitment to this obviously opportunistic 24 year old girl (who, by the way, just graduated from college a few weeks ago and intends to go to law school in the fall). He's 54. After I found out about the girl staying in my home, I chose to stay in Florida (as a long-term but ultimately temporary way to avoid regular contact with him) and both my children are living with me now. By the way, my son has turned a huge corner and is succeeding at collaborating with a couple of different people in beginning a web design business.

I will try to answer your questions in the order presented:

His affair. In New York, it is not expressly stated that fault is to be considered when calculating alimony, but there is a factor providing "any other factor which the court shall expressly find to be just and proper." That is where you can discuss fault; however, most court's don't want to hear about it and figure there is enough to go around. It's always nice to let the ex know there is evidnece of wrongdoing to persuade him to settle.

Dating. I would not begin dating at this time. Although you are separated, you are still married and sometimes, you get an ultra-conservative judge who wants to know why you're dating. It's better to be Snow White in Court.

Maintenance. As I indicated earlier, that depends upon many factors, most of which I don't know the answer to (e.g., incomes, tax consequences, etc.). Go to this website:
and scroll down to section 236. That will outline alimony/maintenance in NY and show you what you need to show/do.

It sounds like your children are doing well and I wish you well in your future endeavors.
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