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We had not received a thank you note for a Bar Mitzvah we…

Customer Question
We had not received...

We had not received a thank you note for a Bar Mitzvah we attended over 4 months ago and had given a substantial monetary gift. I sent to a VERY close common relative of ours the etiquette about a thank you note, and requested it be passed on to the person in question. I also suggested that I would be more than happy to forward this information to our common relative. Was I out of line?

Expert's Assistant: One is pleased to hear you are seeking aid with your manners. Coming from a very English-infused family, I learnt my Ps and Qs very early in life.

What are your thoughts about my concern.

Expert's Assistant: Mind your Ps and Qs is an English expression meaning "mind your manners", "mind your language", or "be on your best behaviour".

Was I correct?

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else the Etiquette Expert should be aware of?

The middle person is my Brother and the other person is my niece

Submitted: 7 months ago.Category: Etiquette
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Answered in 1 minute by:
12/31/2017
Etiquette Expert: Olivia Kent,
 replied 7 months ago
Olivia Kent
Category: Etiquette
Satisfied Customers: 4,597
Experience: Executive Director at Neurogenx Nerve Center of Princeton
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Hello and welcome to JustAnswer. My name is ***** ***** I'm an attorney. Please note this site is for general information for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Communicating with an expert on this site does not establish an attorney-client relationship. You might be offered a phone call, but you are under no obligation to accept; the phone call requests don’t come from me - they’re offered by the site - but if you do want a phone call I’d be happy to do that as well.

Give me just a moment to review what you've written.

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Etiquette Expert: Olivia Kent,
 replied 7 months ago

While I agree with you that a thank you note should have been sent sooner and contacting a mutual family member about your disappointment is perfectly acceptable (and perhaps even providing'evidence' of the faux pas to this mutual family member is fine, especially if you're in the type of family that wants to see evidence) but pursuing this any further (whether by contacting the family member you gave the gift too (with 'evidence' or by stating "why didn't I receive a thank you?!") would be inappropriate. Remind yourself that you gave a generous gift but not everyone responds appropriately, even to very generous gifts.

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Etiquette Expert: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Etiquette
Satisfied Customers: 431
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
Verified
Hi, I am Dr. Jackie, a relationship expert, professor and therapist. I am so sorry you were not thanked for such a gracious monetary gift. Unfortunately, some young people are not taught by their parents that thank you notes are the acceptable norm for gifts in these occasions. Other young people are taught properly and for whatever reason --selfishness, being too preoccupied with other things, etc., they still do not give written thanks. I am not attempting to excuse the niece for not writing a proper thank you note. But is it possible that in this modern generation of computer communications (text and emails, etc.) that she really is unaware of what still is the appropriate social norm? Or another thought --maybe your brother did not pass on the message. If that may be the case, then your niece, a millennial in this computer generation, may truly be ignorant of what is appropriate.Regardless of the reasons, I think the best thing to do is forgive them and move on. This is very difficult because you cannot believe a close family member can appear to be so ungrateful. But you have to forgive them or it will eat at you and disallow you to have joy and peace in your life. It is easier said than done, but let it go. Know you are a better person for doing so. :)
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