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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Etiquette
Satisfied Customers: 1525
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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What is the proper etiquette in this situation: It's a

Customer Question

What is the proper etiquette in this situation: It's a destination wedding of my eldest grandson (age 33). My youngest grandson (his cousin age 5) was asked to be the ring bearer. After flights were booked and baby sitter was hired, we were told that children were not allowed at the "Welcome:
JA: One is pleased to hear you are seeking aid with your manners. Coming from a very English-infused family, I learnt my Ps and Qs very early in life.
Customer: What is proper etiquette for a destination wedding when a 5 year old cousin of the groom is asked to be in the wedding, but not included in any of the functions.
JA: Mind your Ps and Qs is an English expression meaning "mind your manners", "mind your language", or "be on your best behaviour".
Customer: What is the proper etiquette in the following situation: The 5 year of cousin of the groom is asked to be the ring bearer. After the invitations are sent out, the boy's father is advised that children are not allowed at the "Welcome Dinner" or the reception. It has caused hard feelings on both sides as the boy's father is divorced and he had to bring a baby sitter with him. Does a NO CHILD Policy apply to those in the wedding party?
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Etiquette Expert should know?
Customer: Yes, the little boy is very attached to his dad and didn't want to be left out after his "duties" were over. In fact, the wedding planner failed to tell him when to go, so he didn't even get to walk down the asile after practicing and getting dressed up.
Submitted: 1 month ago.
Category: Etiquette
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
After the outdoor ceremony, at the hotel, the boy was expected to leave. His father went up to a room to see him and decided to just go back to their hotel. Now some of the other family members are upset because the boy's father (the grooms's uncle) didn't stay at the reception. Everyone in the family seems to have a point of view. I would like to know who or why this problem exists. My feeling is that if you ask a child to participate, you should, at least let him join the parties for a short time.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 month ago.

Wow, I just had a similar real life experience a few weeks ago. I take issue with no child weddings and receptions. This goes back to looking at what a marriage is and what a celebration should look like. In your scenario, The father should have no feelings or say in the matter. If it was discussed up front that the child will be in the wedding and that was it, then the father should have given a simple yes or no. It is the bride and groom's day and their wishes. I and he may not agree with it, but he had the option to say no and leave it at that. No sense in arguing with the bride and groom's wishes because it is their day. So personal opinion aside, whatever the bride and groom wants goes.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Thank you for your frank and prompt response. I guess I take issue with the fact that the father and child were never told that he was there for one function only. A photo op and a 1 minute walk (that never happened_. Maybe you can suggest how we repair the hurt feelings? As the grandmother of both...the groom and the ring bearer, I am very sad about this. I don't understand why they would ask ask a 5 year old to participate and then tell him he was not welcome. They wouldn't even let the nanny (a college educated kindergarten teacher) even sit outside for the ceremony. I think they could have mingled for a short time and then taken the boy back to his hotel. The father was not allowed to bring a date so left to be with his son.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 month ago.

Well, I think things should have been clarified up front. However, now that it is over, and likely the groom feels he did nothing wrong, I think the dad needs to forgive and move forward. He doesn't have to say anything to the groom but really just forgive the groom in his own heart. I would take the stance that none of this was done maliciously and that it was all miscommunication. What's done is done and harboring negative feelings towards the groom is only going to multiply the problem. And, we don't know if this was all the bride's planning and the groom was just going along with it. Unfortunately, I would consider it a hard lesson learned and move on.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 29 days ago.

Please don't forget to accept this answer so I get credit for my time.