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Hello, there! I just came upon your question and hope I am not too late to assist you. I have gone through your essay and made several revisions--formatting, grammar, mechanics, and fluency, primarily. You have 2 things left to do, as I see it (and of course I can help you with these with a little further information.) You need a separate introduction with thesis statement, first. I have left a comment in your revision on a way to do this. And second, there is a section at the end that was incomplete. :)
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