I am very sorry to learn of this situation, and I am sorry to learn of your husband's passing.
Regarding the conduct in the IEP, if you are being marginalized in this process, get an advocate to attend with you - this advocate does not have to be an attorney (although it can be), check with your local special needs resource department (such as a Regional Center, parent support group, or other advocacy agency, for referrals), you can bring anyone you feel would help you best represent your child's needs in the IEP process.
You can call for a new IEP whenever you need to.
If you feel that the IEP meeting is not where you excel at putting your child's needs into words, write them up ahead of time and send them to the IEP coordinator - bring a copy with you. You have a right to participate in the IEP process, and your concerns should be given full consideration.
While the IEP does not necessarily have to agree with every desire that you may have, your child is entitled to a "Free and Appropriate Education" - this bare minimum standard is what the school must work against when it is creating a plan for your child, if the educational plan that they have come up with does not meet your child's needs, they must change it.
Review your IEP rights (you must receive a copy of these at the beginning of each IEP), these will include your right to appeal any IEP plan - including appeals to the School District, and if necessary in court.