Please refer to my previous query re my Aspie Partner of 4…

Good afternoon again! Thank you for forwarding the information that Dr. Bonnie had picked up awhile ago. I am truly concerned for both of you. Stress is not helpful with Lupus or cancer, so please watch your own level of stress during this time. If you need any help de-stressing, just let me know and I will provide you with a host of easy but effective manners to do that.

In terms of how your best friend and loved one has taken this news, from you, his mother, etc., I immediately go to his being innately concrete and literal, and under stress, will tend to be much more egocentric. This is not to say that it is bad, it just is.

I believe that perception of being "turned away" from someone is one of the most difficult things people with AD live with. It is devastating, and often, leads to it being difficult for the person to listen at all.

As you know him a thousand times better than I ever could, I would strongly suggest for both your sakes taking it one step at a time. First, you will need to be together, and he will need to put aside feeling of abandonment so he can hear you. Limiting the time and having an actual agenda, even if small, may help him with this.

First and foremost, while he is listening, ensure that he hears loud, clear and succinctly that you love him and did not want to push him away. That you in fact do not want to do that now.

Second, instead of "thinking he has too much to handle", allow him to decide how much he can handle. Let him know that you do want him in your life in some way, but that your physical and emotional issues are difficult, and it is up to him to decide how much he can handle.

Ask him directly for input. What does he want? Not what the psychologist wants, but what he wants. And make it clear that is in terms of his relationship to you. Your ailments may bother him but to a lesser extreme than you may think. We never can really know how someone else feels.

It is possible that he wanted to help as he could, and felt pushed away, in a manner doubling the feeling of being unwanted or useless. I would not bring up those terms, but just so you know, people with AD can hear that in a paragraph, disregard all the rest, and just focus on the rejection.

I would strongly suggest ending the meeting and agenda with "What is the next step". Can you met again? If he can manage your illnesses emotionally, seek a commitment for another meeting. Undoing the message of rejection will be hard for him to take, and will take evidence of your desire to see him that is concrete and ongoing. For awhile, do not end meeting or talking with him without another meeting set up.

I feel strongly compassionate for both of you right now. You are dealing with so very much, as is he, and when you both need a friend so much, you are no even talking. Please follow these suggestions, and PLEASE let me know how he responds. I will follow up in three days anyway.

If this does not work, we will have to come up with another plan, perhaps involving the psychologist. My preference and instinct tend to think you can work this out, a little at a time with each other. So I think doing what is suggested may be the first and best beginning.

All the very best to you, and again, I will check in within three days,

Sincerely,

Dan