My son is 30 years old now. As a child and then an adult he…

Good Afternoon. My name is ***** ***** I will clarify my credentials to answer this in just one moment. I am reading for the second time what you have written. I will be right back with you.

Okay. I have just read for the second time. Again, my name is ***** ***** I have been in the service of individuals with Aspergers Disorder now for close to thirty years and with several thousand individuals. I have two masters degrees, one in Special Education, and the other, as a Kennedy/Schreiber Scholar in Individual and Social Rehabilitation. I have taken three years of medical rehabilitation, only because I needed to learn more in that area, and most recently, am working on my doctoral degree, centered again on Aspgergers Disorder. I very much would like to assist you.

If you have difficulty in entering this chat, I will send this to you in the form of a question and answer manner. I hope that will be alright with you.

Although I have encountered several individuals with low arousal in terms of sex, I have only encountered one invidual where the problem was medical in nature. The person was much older than your son, and had prostate cancer. As such, every other situation pertained more to anticipatory anxiety.

This, given your son's age, is a rather huge issue. It involes both a level of intimacy which is greatly deeper than a friendship. As Aspergers does involve great resolve in feeling safe AND being in any level of relationship outside of the family, feeling safe during the transition to having intercourse is in and of itself very significant. In trying to assist other adults, I have suggested not having a predetermined outcome in mind, but rather experiencing increasing levels of intimacy and becoming desensitized with each level before moving on.

Okay. Thank you. That is very, very helpful.

I was about to get to the point, being one of social anxiety.

As it is difficult for most people to first form emotional and then sexual engagement as it is all new in the early years, for your son, there is the additional challenge of being able to read the cues, to cope with social anxiety, and to perceive others as not only social beings, but also sexual as well.

Would you know if he successfully masturbates?

The reason I ask, is if he masturbates, that would reduce the chance of their being anything medical as a reason for the lack of erectile function.

Ah, okay. You may need to be very specific about what 'effective masturbation' is, in that he may need information on what masturbation actually is (this tends to be a rare type of discussion to have). Once he understands fully what masturbation is, please tell him you are not trying to put pressure on him, but rather to help him explore his sexuality.

Once informed, such questions as a) is it difficult to have or retain an erection?, b) how long does he estimate he retains an erection?, c) does he reach the point of orgasm? and d) that as sexuality is a perceptual and cognitive thing, as well as the result of some hormone-response/autonomic response things, does he fantacize? What are his fantacies? Does he get "turned on" (excuse me for cutting to the chase...I am having a challenge in not using some common language) in other ways besides the erection or penis? Also, has he ever experienced nocturnal emmissions? These would be important to know.

If he does not have difficulty with any of the above, and does have sexually driven fantacies, does reach orgasm in masturbation, then I do believe we are back to the desensitizing process.

Hmmm. I am glad you are such progessive parents.

He may not have the social awareness to avail himself of certain stimulatory or educational information. I do understand that the distance also poses a problem.

Has he ever reported pain of any sort involved with any form of sexual expression?

Also, as you know him best, ***** ***** likely to be more forthcoming if you tell him you are working with a therapist, and there truly are no right or wrong anwers to any of what I have already asked?

If he wants to "be sexual" in terms of expressing it with other individuals, women, how large of a concern is this to him? If it is not large, we might look at this another way. Also, if he tends to want to give "the answer you are looking for", is it possible that he might not be heterosexual? This would come in when he fantacizes. If he fantacizes, are the women, men, both involved? It would seem that there is still a clear message in that the right answer is to be hetero.

Okay, getting to what you just sent me...

Do you think that working with him at a distance, and using his parents as his point of reference, that he is working hard to try to anticipate the right answer without giving as much thought to the true answer? If he has a low level of sexual desire, that can be remedied. Not a difficult thing, yet we truly need to know the answers that are correct for him. Do you know if he uses a computer well?

If so, would you trust me to work a session with him? As he does not know me, there would be little room for "right answers" with me. He would be more likely to just be factual.

I also understand that I am throwing a lot of questions at you at one time. I am not trying to pressure you either, but rather to make sure I am inclusive of many, many factors in my questions.

It seems that you again might be having some difficulty in getting on to this chat session. Again, if you cannot get through, I will send you a synopsis of:

I see. I would say definitively yes, that getting diagnosed would be appropriate. I have many people in their 50's and 60's or above who are very upset at not being told about suspicion or diagnosed earlier. Should he not be diagnosed, whomever is trying to provide treatment also will be at a loss as this is a huge factor to consider in any regimen of treatment. With information, his life will "come into focus" and instead of feeling guilt over missed cues and such, he will understand that it is an aspect of him that he can work with, and not something that is "wrong, or to feel guilty about"

Yes. I understand. Even though you have not made anything clear to you, I do imagine he is completely aware of there being some sort of difference between himself and others, if he really does have Aspergers Disorder.

I have many, many people write and state that they feel like they are losing their minds. They know something is wrong or different, yet no one else seems to know or to talk about it.

Yes. Often, I suggest that a person "might" have some aspects of something that is called Aspergers, after the name of an Austrian doctor. I then tend to be casual, especially later in life (not a child) and leave passages about the disorder I have printed with the person. When they read it, and understand that it is characterized by high intelligence but social challenges, most often the person "identifies with it" rather than being upset by it.

I can see this clearly. From the way you describe your son, he sounds to be less impacted by the disorder than some. As with all autism spectrum disorders, this runs from be extremely disordered to much more mild in how it impacts a person. Some of the discomfort may also stem from seeing some aspects of himself in this other person, but I would not make that comparison at this time. Just an FYI.

Great. If I can help at anytime, please do not be a stranger. I will do whatever I can.

All the best to you,

Dan