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Clare
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: UK Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 28587
Experience:  25 years experience of all aspects of family law
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My husband has applied to the courts for contact with my son.

Customer Question

My husband has applied to the courts for contact with my son. He did this as a reaction to my application to CSA for maintenance, after I have eventualy overcome fear of his threats on this matter. He sees my son everyday and I have never stoped him doing so. Though he visits quite late 8.30 everyday, or even 10pm at times. My son is probably getting ready for bed or already in bed. He would wake him up to talk to him. My son wuld not stay with him alone or visit hom. Practically and emotionally it is difficult for him to do this, due to bad incidencies/experiences he has suffered from his dad and amount of activites he is involved with at school etc, including sport and music. He would refuses to be withhim alone and now warries he could be forced to do so.

He is 13 years old and He may be interviewed by CafCass from the the letter we have recieved.

I know there is a number of concerns and have tried hard to ensure that he feels safe and secure and able to see his dad. I cannot understand why his dad has done this when he is aware of the incidences that has caused his situation and relationship he has with his son

Please tell me if they would seriously consider my son's fear. His dad is clever and aware of his son's feelings and my concerns based on incidences and his relationship with him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: UK Family Law
Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
HI
Thank you for your question
I shall do my best to assist you but I need some further information first
Why exactly is your 13 year old frightened of being with his father on his own?
Why can they not go out together for the day?
Claire
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you


 


1) My son would not be with his dad alone because of


- his dads' controlling attitude, claims to be based on his culture of respect and obedience that my son has to learn. My son (just as I was treated) can only do what he asked him to do. He knows if he does not do as he is told he'd be hit, kicked and thrown around, to put it in my son's words. There has been incidents which he has found hard to overcome. He also remembers incidents as far back as when he was just 7years old. And because his dad does not believe he is wrong to do this is a concern for not only him but me too. His dad sees him everyday but only turns up when he is about to go to bed or in bed 8.30pm or even later 9.45pm as this is the convinient time for him to come.He will wake him up and I must not interfer otherwise things will get worse, accussing me of interfering with him and his son; and when it is convinient for him at weekends. His attitude is not different to when he was with us. My son has a busy school life, a good athlete and musician. He finds he struggles with his dads interruption and he could not sleep for a while when he wakes him up. He feels frustrated with us not being able to do anything to stop whatever his dadd wants and he suffers this way.


 


2) He has pleaded with me and all the time ask that I should not leave him with his dad alone, and sometimes really annoyed with me letting his dad in. if I attempt to leave him alone with his dad, he'd say that his dad is not nice to him behind my back. I found that he'd started to plan how he would run away if he is alone with hid that where he could not come back to me. This worries me alot and dont want to let him down too, thinking I am doing the right thing to encourage him to want to be with his dad. He has cited incidents and his dad dismissed all, accusing him of lying. Recently, last month, he had enough of one of his dad's control over his computer and deleting alot of his music and homework, he confronted him about this and demanded his password. This got out of hand and became heated arguement because his dad saw this as being rude.He challenged his dad over everything and that he is not a liar. My son telling him that he is ready to defend himself if he touched him and told him to go and never wanted to see him again. His dad slipped that he did those because he was rude at those times and was trying to discipling him.


 


3) He said is dad questions him alot about his relatives accusing him of not liking them. He is afraid of being taken to his dads relatives 200miles away and not returned. They have never been nice to us, anything from name calling to untrue accusations and unreasonable demands and interference in our life. His dad does what his family ask and we must obey. This has caused my son alot of distress as his uncle and aunty are quite hostile to him since very young.


 


Part of the reason we split up was because we have to put up with whatever abuse his famiy throw at us and I would not have it for my son.


 


He would not support him and the family threatened me if I went to CSA. after three year I eventually did so last month. His application for access is to revenge this. he has not interest in my son, but to him it is a power game.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you


 


1) My son would not be with his dad alone because of


- his dads' controlling attitude, claims to be based on his culture of respect and obedience that my son has to learn. My son (just as I was treated) can only do what he asked him to do. He knows if he does not do as he is told he'd be hit, kicked and thrown around, to put it in my son's words. There has been incidents which he has found hard to overcome. He also remembers incidents as far back as when he was just 7years old. And because his dad does not believe he is wrong to do this is a concern for not only him but me too. His dad sees him everyday but only turns up when he is about to go to bed or in bed 8.30pm or even later 9.45pm as this is the convinient time for him to come.He will wake him up and I must not interfer otherwise things will get worse, accussing me of interfering with him and his son; and when it is convinient for him at weekends. His attitude is not different to when he was with us. My son has a busy school life, a good athlete and musician. He finds he struggles with his dads interruption and he could not sleep for a while when he wakes him up. He feels frustrated with us not being able to do anything to stop whatever his dadd wants and he suffers this way.


 


2) He has pleaded with me and all the time ask that I should not leave him with his dad alone, and sometimes really annoyed with me letting his dad in. if I attempt to leave him alone with his dad, he'd say that his dad is not nice to him behind my back. I found that he'd started to plan how he would run away if he is alone with hid that where he could not come back to me. This worries me alot and dont want to let him down too, thinking I am doing the right thing to encourage him to want to be with his dad. He has cited incidents and his dad dismissed all, accusing him of lying. Recently, last month, he had enough of one of his dad's control over his computer and deleting alot of his music and homework, he confronted him about this and demanded his password. This got out of hand and became heated arguement because his dad saw this as being rude.He challenged his dad over everything and that he is not a liar. My son telling him that he is ready to defend himself if he touched him and told him to go and never wanted to see him again. His dad slipped that he did those because he was rude at those times and was trying to discipling him.


 


3) He said is dad questions him alot about his relatives accusing him of not liking them. He is afraid of being taken to his dads relatives 200miles away and not returned. They have never been nice to us, anything from name calling to untrue accusations and unreasonable demands and interference in our life. His dad does what his family ask and we must obey. This has caused my son alot of distress as his uncle and aunty are quite hostile to him since very young and criticise him for virtually everything.


 


I have tried hard to make sure they have time together with me just in the background - eg going to the gym, his athletic club, holidays etc


 


Part of the reason we split up was because we have to put up with whatever abuse his famiy throw at us, everyone behaving like a mafia family and I am not allowed to speak to any member of the family except through his dad.There is no one to protect him if I am not there.


 


He would not support him and the family threatened me if I went to CSA. after three year I eventually did so last month. His application for access is to revenge this. he has not interest in my son, but to him it is a power game.


 


I need all help I can get for the court to see through this. Please help.

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
What contact has your ex specifically asked for.
How long have you been separated and why are you content for him to come into your home?
Claire
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He asked in the application for he sent to court the following


1) contact (nothing else specified)


2) in section 7 of the form he asked for weekends, holidays and christmas.


3) also wants Joint custody and joint parenting.


 


These are all the areas he has tormented us- never want to spent weekend, christmas or holidays and would rather go to his sister and brother, leaving me and my son on our own when he was with us. He would not participate voluntarily to interract with my son and considered my son a finacial nuisance really is the best way i can describe his behaviour. We cannot spend any money on anything from cheap childrens books and toys to stimulate him. If I did it I got punished for be a disrespectful wife.


 


Now, he comes to see my son everyday, but at inconvinient time, usually after 8.30pm, except when his sister ask him to come. Would not agree days and time. On Saturdays he comes about 1pm and we take my son for his swim before going to his drama class. After, he stays till my son goes to bed, between 8 &9 depending on whether he is watching the telly. On sunday, he comes to church and after church he has lunch with us. Sometimes he may leave and come back again after 6. I normally help my son with his homework and music practice, getting ready for monday etc. His routine is severally interrupted but I try to cope as his dad would not have it any other way. When he comes even later as late as 9.30 and my son is in bed, he goes to his room and wakes him up to talk to him. My son is often upset as he could not go to sleep easily again and struggles in the morning. I could hear him saying daddy I am sleeping please dont wake me up shake him and tell him he is not sleepng now.He would accuse me of stopping him to see his son and interefering with his contact with his son.


We have been separated since july 2011. In june 2012 we received counselling and he promised not to distrupt my son's stability and would come to see him, but he did not go into detail regarding how he would do this.


 


I put myself aside and respect my son's wishes that he would like to see his dad at home and only if I'm there.My son has a very busy routine as he is very talented in music and sport. My son is in a "normal mode" in all respect when his dad comes, without any sign of distress or concern. But once there is a slight indication I may leave him with his dad alone, eg to pop out to the shop, or his dad asking him to come along to the shop alone with him, he is a completely different person. When he goes to the athletic club, his dad comes along, I often stay in the car in the car park not on the field with them. My son is fine with this as he knows where I am and he can always come to me if he does not like what dad does.He also fears that his dad may take him to his relative quite distance away and never let me have him back. There has been threats of potential for this. Unfortunately his dad says things to him or question him about things to do with his relatives that my son knows nothing about,or what I do. He could be considered rude and has to be disciplined if he does not answer, but he can run to me if I am close by. He also knows that his dad would not stand up for him.


 


It was very hard for me at first and I had to deal with my own feelings and put my son's physical and emotional development first. I thought his dad may change and as he grows he would learnt to relate to my son better. I am prepared to let him come to my home for my son's sake. That's why.


 


 


 

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
Hi
I am very concerned about what appears to be an intolerable situation for you and your son - where you are separated and yet must still spend considerable time in company with your ex.
This must be confusing for your son and painful for you.
It is time for things to change - in a way that your son feels safe with.
It is time that his father stops coming to your home so often - after all you must wish to start a new life of your own and it seems that your son himself would prefer this.
Instead offer contact once a week at a venue your son feels safe in - if need be choose a Contact Centre (www.naccc.org.uk)
In addition offer to discuss matters with your ex using Family Mediation (www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk) and a mediator trained to work with children so that his wishes are taken into account.
At 13 it is up to your son what contact (if any) he has with his father - and it is time he felt safe in his home
I hope that this is of assistance - please ask of you need further details
Claire
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you. I feel you can see through our situation and dillema. We live in a small village, my son is happy here and knows it well as this is where he was born and has lived all his life. His dad does not want anyone to know he is not with us. I have considered moving further away so he cannot come every day as he does at his convinience but my son loves to be in the village and only talks about getting another house in the village if we were to move.


 


The letter from Cafcass said that my son would be interviewed to take his wishes and feelings into account. My son is worried that the court may want him to see his dad alone or go to him to spend time at his house. He does not want any of these. His dad lives about 3 miles away. He is angry that his dad has gone to court instead of leaving him alone.


 


Arranging contact will be difficult in our cicumstance because


1) my son does not want to spend holidays with him alone. All the holidays we've had were difficult because he did not allow my son any activity, making excuse that he had not budgetted for these. My son knows he would not take him on holidays, but just to see his family and they are not nice to him. He knows his dad will not stand up for him if they do anythng that upsets him. He does not know them well as they have always been hostile towards us.


2) Christmas is always difficult. His dad does not beleive he should have xmas present as this means spoiling him. He also does not think I should get him present and make issue of this if I did. My son is not spoilt at all. He only put 2 or 3 items on his xmas list, what he needs, not what he wants. For example last Xmas, he did not want anything because he has all he 'needs'. His major fear is that he would be taken to his dads relatives. This is my fear too because of the way his dad's sibblings have behaved to date.


 


Is the court likely to make see the significance of the way that his dad's family has treated my son and take account of this in their decision?


 


 

Expert:  Clare replied 1 year ago.
HI
Whether or not his father wants people to know is not relevant.
It is time you told your ex that he is not welcome in the house in the evening and that if he forces his way in you will apply for an order excluding him.
As I have said at 13 it is up to your son when he sees his father and he will not be forced to stay with him if he doe snot wish to do so
Claire
Clare, Family Solicitor
Category: UK Family Law
Satisfied Customers: 28587
Experience: 25 years experience of all aspects of family law
Clare and other UK Family Law Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 12 months ago.


Dear Clare


 


Many thanks for your help to date. The court granted my son's wishes and he does not have to see or stay with his dad alone, though he wants to see him. His dad's reaction was disappointing and disgraceful as he does not want to see my son, saying he has blackened him and his family. My son was hurt and it's painful for me. The court has made him to understand he can't refuse to see my son, it's my son that can refuse to see him if so wishes. But his dad is doing everything to avoid seeing him andhe is not complying with the court order.


 


Sometimes, my son is confused and does not want to see him. This is mainly when he has a sporting or music event which he knows his dad likes to make appearance and mingle with other parents pretending to be a supporting dad. He does not support him physically, emotionally or morally. For example the court order says that he should see my son on saturday and hel him with his preparation fr his sporting trianing and then take him to the music college with me present. He could stay for dinner with us and spend some time with my son.


 


He is trying to make sure the contact arragement does not work, and tput the blame on son at first, this has not worked so he is trying to create a situation to blame it on me. What can I do? he does not respect the court order because it is not what he wants.


 


 


 


 

Expert:  Clare replied 12 months ago.
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