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For my whole life I have been a very shy guy, I had a total of 5 relationships, I was always a loner, preferred computers, video-games, etc., I had many problems to speak with the opposite sex. Now I think I found the perfect girlfriend, after months of dating her I started to find out that she's sincere, trusty, faithful, we have a complete sexual understanding, opening, she seems to care about me like anyone else did, she always tells the truth, she tells me she loves me like never before, she misses me, well, so many things I thought I found the perfect person I was looking for!
I must say I didn't fall in love with her because of her looking, she wasn't so pretty, and I'm a very good looking guy. But I didn't pay attention to that and eventually I realized all her virtues and fell in love like never before.
We have been together for 1 year and 4 months in a long distance relationship (5 months together, the other time long distance) and I have consider her the woman of my life, my soulmate, I made plans to be with her in a serious/long term relationship.
Besides this I told this girl everything you could imagine, I opened my entire soul to her, telling her my deepest secrets and fears because I trust her so much! I told her things I didn't even tell my parents, or best friends, so many deep things, things I never thought I could tell anybody, because I felt she was so trusty. She also told me many things about her life, and I thought we had the best relationship, the more trusty and opened one I could ever have, I was in heaven.
The problem is that nowadays I'm starting to see many flaws in her, even though I didn't wanted to accept that flaws in my mind. She's dominant, always want to have the reason in every discussion we have. Every time we have a strong fight I have to call her, explain her that I love her and eventually ask her for pardon (a thing I never did in my life!).
And I do it because in my mind I still have this idea that she's the perfect woman and that if I loose her I will never find someone like her, because all the other women are players, they don't say the truth, are not sincere, not trusty, they are interested in money, and in other things, etc. That's why whenever I start to feel I'm loosing her I even beg her to stay together.
We had a fight 6 months ago because she told me to show her my Facebook account, I showed her, there she found out I was having a conversation with an ex, telling this ex we shouldn't stop chatting, that we should still talk, that I remember all the good times with her (when we were together, hand in hand and kissing), and that she had an special place in my heart; and that when someone has a special relationship with someone, they shouldn't end up fighting or loosing touch forever. This letter wasn't a love letter, as I just wanted to be in touch with this person, be her friend, as she wasn't a bad person, but the relationship ended because she wasn't the person I was looking for, nor was I for her, and of course I don't feel anything for my ex, it's a relationship I had 4 years ago! now my ex is engaged and I feel so happy for her.
The main problem now is that after breaking up with my actual girlfriend, solving this situation and getting together again, I thought we solved our problems as I clearly explained all what I say and more (that I love her, that this ex doesn't mean anything to me, that I would never cheat her because she's everything to me, etc.) and she understood everything and we were perfectly fine for 6 months.
But now suddenly she tells me that she has a lot of thoughts related to this letter to my ex, thinking that I was playing with her, that I am playing with her, that I was looking to go back with my ex and have her as a backup option, that she has so many thoughts that she can't erase, etc; I told her that I love her, that I don't feel nothing for my ex, that I have never been so in love with someone like I am with her. I told her that I have never asked anybody to stay with me, never begged, never did any of the things I did to stay with her, I also told her that I never opened myself to anyone like with her, that she's the woman in my life and my dream is to be with her forever. I explained her perfectly clear al this things. But she tells me that she doesn't trust in me like before, and that anything I tell her doesn't help. That she is worried and she wants to gain the trust she had in my before and the only option for her is to go to a psychologist to try to regain the trust she had in me, etc. I told her that I could help her in regaining this trust, that I would never do this things again (write a letter to an ex, write a letter to any woman at all implying as she says something romantic), that I want the most transparent relationship and want her to know everything I do, my Facebook, whatsapp, whatever, I don't care; but it doesn't help either.
As someone that has suffered bullying when I was a child, have low self estime, I suffer from depression and anxiety since I was 9 years old and this problems with my girlfriend are making my emotional situation much worse than before: I cannot sleep, my depression is worse, I'm anxious at more times in the day. I have become completely DEPENDENT to her, attached to her, I feel I would die without her. It's something I have never felt and I pray god to save me :(
Now I feel guilty all the time, like if I were a murderer or something because of this letter and her reaction; I feel I have done something so terrible! I don't know want can I do!.
Thank you very much for reading such a long thing!