Good morning, Shirley, and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.
My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area of the United States.
Thank you for sharing your story. It certainly sounds like you have been through a lot. I can understand why you are feeling this way. You mentioned you have wanted to go back for quite some time and he was willing to do anything to get you back--if this is indeed the case, why did you not return? This makes me believe deep down you realized there were so many things standing in the way of the two of you having a healthy relationship. This also makes me think you know in your heart of hearts you deserved so much more. Perhaps a part of you is not yet willing to close the door? Perhaps a part of you was hoping he might change in some way? You need to believe you left for a reason and stay true to this decision. The feelings of loneliness are intolerable but this does not mean he needs to be in your life. You deserve so much, sweet soul and wanting a man who does not treat you well to fill a lonely void is not the answer. I am so sorry this is your reality but please try to surround yourself with those you love--good friends and family. In time, the cloud will life and you will find the clarity you long for.