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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 672
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My boyfriend watches porn and Kiwanis to me about it. He

Customer Question

My boyfriend watches porn and Kiwanis to me about it. He watches poem before even wanting to have sex with me. And then he loses his erection in the middle of it. Not only that but he is not very nice to me and lies about almost everything even the smallest little things even when I have proof right in front of him he will still try to lie. Why is he doing this to me? He says he loves me and I am beautiful and blah blah blah how am I suppose to believe him
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Thank you for your question. I think that you recognize that there are "red flags" or unhealthy aspects of your relationship. He watches porn, lies about it, attempts to have sexual relations with you (likely despite your unhappiness with his behaviors), lies to you about small things (which a lie is still a lie), and then he does not treat you with respect.... First, I think you have to accept that your boyfriend has some unhealthy characteristics and patterns present....I think that he has created a world where he controls you. He acknowledges that you love him and he uses that to his favor. You probably walk on eggshells around him, as to not upset him. He probably even blows up at the mention of his behaviors when you are simply attempting to find out "why." The truth of the matter is that he is emotionally abusive. You may see the potential in him, which is part of why you love him. You may also remember all of the good things about the relationship (like when it started, or even when he is nice--he is so nice, and he can really be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.) When he is good to you, he shows you a glimpse of how positive the relationship could be, but it seems to all feel like a facade or "fake" because nothing is consistent..... My heart hurts for you. A partner who watches porn does not realize the effects that this has on their partner. Sometimes, we are naturally self-conscious, and then their porn viewing, leads to us questioning our worth, our beauty, our roles.... I completely understand the pain that you are dealing with. It is an awful cycle for many couples. One thing that you can try is focusing on communicating with him from a place of "vulnerability" being honest and open about how the behaviors hurt you. Focus on coming from a place of trying to find a solution, but also mentioning what hurts you and that you truly love him, but you feel that his behaviors dont suggest that he cares for you in the same manner. I would be specific on what you need from him. I usually attempt to go from an approach that I call the "oreo" method. I start with positive, mention the behavior that I would like to work on, then go positive again focusing on the future and solutions. Something like this, "Hey, I want you to know that I do care for you very much. I feel that there is a great deal of potential for us as a couple and I know that there is love between us. There are times when I feel that I am insecure about myself, about us, and also about how you feel about me. I feel that maybe sometimes you are afraid to tell me things because you are afraid of my reactions or maybe there is a sense that something needs to be hidden. Then it seems that everything just gains momentum and we both end up hurt or there are more lies. I think we need to focus on how we can improve things. I dont always trust when you tell me that you love me because there are times when I feel that you are just attempting to smooth things over after a fight. I dont feel beautiful or cherished, and sometimes even respected. I am not telling you these things to be critical, I am telling about my feelings because I am asking for your help in overcoming whatever may be perpetuating our problems. Im asking if we can discuss some of the areas of concern, which can open up the possibilities for us? How do you feel about our relaitonship? Are you happy? I am asking for help in just tuning up the things that are a problem. I want us to focus on bettering our relaitonship health."

You end with asking him for help because it will lead to him feeling empowered, but also giving him the opportunity to be less defensive about you bringing up what hurts you....

Then, if he is not open to communicating with you, focus on how you can be less dependent on him, empower yourself, and remember that you deserve to be happy. You dont want to be in a one-sided relationship. I think that you recognize these things, but it is hard to leave sometimes because you tend to take responsibility for things. You have to remember that you are not engaging in hurtful, deceitful behaviors, and that you dont have to settle for a partner who does this to you.....

i would love to hear your feedback! Thank you, Jules

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