How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask VA-NP Your Own Question

VA-NP
VA-NP, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16241
Experience:  Nurse Practitioner
3157612
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
VA-NP is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My girlfriend and I of 3 years broke up about 3 weeks ago

Customer Question

Hello,
My girlfriend and I of 3 years broke up about 3 weeks ago after a 2 week in house period of "space."
We own our home together, which we recently purchased and are trying to navigate what comes next. right now I am sleeping in a separate bedroom and we are mostly living separate lives but come in contact over breakfast, the occasional evening on the couch watching TV or having dinner. Even joking around a bit and having fun, but then going our separate ways at the end of the night.
We have had a few very frank conversations about our feelings and concerns. Mostly driven by her. She came to her decision of needed space after I didn't help her out at a very high stress time.
Since then she expanded on why she didn't want to be with me because she felt I was immature, had lack of focus and generally stagnant. This is partly due to my ADHD and existing depression, so trying to move forward is really hard for me when I'm mostly trying to manage to get through the day. She has always reacted to my mistakes or confusion by getting upset or raising her voice.
I've tried to say I don't appreciate this anger from her and I don't deserve it but she just throws it back at me saying it's my fault. When pushing her that she is in control of her reactions she instantly gets super defensive and angry. Thus when I proposed couples therapy prior to our breakup she didn't see the merit as she felt every thing was my fault.
Right now we both want to stay in the house and she's been happy and impressed that I've shown some progress and is even still very supportive of me pursuing some personal goals and this growth.
What's really confusing is that she can be really friendly with me but keep this distance. Specifically saying "I still care about you and like spending time with you, I just don't want to be dating."
Based on our conversations it's clear we still enjoy each other's company and want to support each other and are willing to work together on the logistics of home ownership, loan management and cat management.
I am making a point to read more and focus more on my own issues and trying my best to stay positive and be mature and polite around her (something which she has admitted is impressive to her).
I would like to know what can I or should I do to rebuild with her and try to convince her that since we have invested 3 years into each other, lots of time (9+ months), money and effort into our house and our cat it's worthwhile to pursue some couples therapy to work out our issues. She remains firm that we communicate so well, that isn't the issue, so what is the point of counseling. I think it's hard to confront her and get my point across forcing her to reflect.
Please help.
Submitted: 5 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Lastly, I'm just very confused. She's warm and fun and needs support sometimes but is also being coy about a few things and not really opening any doors to rebuild intimacy.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 5 months ago.

Hello,

Welcome to Just Answer and thanks for your question. My name is ***** ***** I'll be helping you today.

Expert:  VA-NP replied 5 months ago.

First of all, what are you doing to treat your ADHD and depression?

Have you had therapy on your own?

Thanks for the additional information.

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Hi,I go to therapy weekly for my ADHD and depression and take medication to treat both.
Customer: replied 5 months ago.
I should add part of my significant other's concerns were that I wasn't using my therapy to grow in our relationship. I was mostly going to manage stress and anxiety and work on social skills.I had been going to therapy for almost 18 + months before we started dating
Expert:  VA-NP replied 5 months ago.

I'm glad to hear you are getting the proper help for your own medical issues. Your significant other's concern that you aren't using your therapy to work on relationship issues isn't realistic.

Your therapy is about you. When people are interested in improving a relationship, they both need to invest their emotional energy in couples' therapy. One person cannot make or unmake a relationship; it takes two.

That would be the best thing to pursue right now.

Kind regards,

Schuyler

~

Customer: replied 5 months ago.
Right,So how do I change the conversation to say this is worth pursuing as a team?
Expert:  VA-NP replied 5 months ago.

You can just tell her that your therapy is for you and it is not the intent of that therapy to improve relationships.

For relationship improvement, any couple needs couples' therapy. It takes both of you to make an improvement.

Related Relationship Questions