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Ask Therapist Leslie Your Own Question

Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 305
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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You were completely right. He continued liking her photos

Customer Question

For Therapist Leslie:
You were completely right. He continued liking her photos because he doesn't want to be controlled. And he told me what you said as well: he said subconsciously he acted that way to push me away. He realized later that he did it subconsciously. He said she is just a trigger, at a deeper level it is his personal issue, therefore he reacted that way and it made things worse and worse.I asked him if he already had bad feeling before the fights, he said no. It looks like he "figured out" it is his personal issue at the point when our emotional feeling went really sour. So I told him relationship went bad because of emotions. Then people use logic reasons (like his personal issue) to rationalize. I think it is her caused everything. I think if he started having bad feeling before all these happened then it makes sense it is his personal issue. But now it looks like it is more because of our feeling went bad but then he rationalizes it with his personal issue. He thinks although he can't prove it he believes it is his personal issue. He said time will tell.I thought our feeling would come back once we realize it is misunderstanding. Then I question why his feeling is not coming back after this realization. It seems once it has happened, it just can’t be taken back.He emphasized many times that he is a better person alone. Not everyone need a companion in his life and he is that kind.He also told me I am the best girl he has met in his 10 year dating life. He hasn’t treated anyone outside his family so good for a long time. I am special. Yet he still wants to give up? LOLWhat do you think is going on?
Submitted: 3 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Wow....my guess he isn't even sure what is going on either! He's a tough one because he obviously had (or has) deep feelings for you but is completely incapable of being in a relationship. This is really confusing, no doubt. It is true, some individuals are happier being alone because, after all, we learn most about ourselves within the context of relationships. There are probably parts of himself he doesn't even care to learn more about. I get the sense he isn't strongly emotionally evolved. I don't say that in a mean way but he doesn't seem to push himself to anyplace that may get uncomfortable. I imagine the entire idea of intimacy (not sex but emotional intimacy) would scare him terribly and this is most probably why he pulls away--despite the feelings he has for you.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Since he get upset and felt hurt after our fights (which mainly caused by the psycho female), that is why I hope he will realize maybe it is not his person issue but because we were indeed manipulated and put in a terrible situation by that female. We both don't know for sure now. That is my hope that if we could get our emotion turn around, then hopefully he will think differently
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
he thinks he used to be happy alone, now he will be happy again if he stay out of relatioinship. I told him he didn't realize being alone is not that good and he is depressed, but he told me don't make him feel that way.I bet I should stop blaming him and create all the breakup drama, focus on making the interaction feel good. And whether we get back together or not, it is the best route to go,
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I absolutely, completely and fully agree with you. I imagine you will have a much better chance of him resuming the relationship if you discontinue the blame game and act positive and happy. This...without a doubt....I am completely sure of. : )

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
you believe whatever I just said here is pretty much what has happened?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I do. I do believe you have a really good understanding of this guy but I do think it will be tough to be in a relationship with him. You may have to do a bit of convincing that he should be in a relationship with you and I don't know if that ultimately feels comfortable.....?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
He told me all these. He searched his soul and find the reason....It is a little sad to give up when we both are each other's best thing ever...
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I understand. Perhaps give it one last honest shot and see if he budges. Does this sound comfortable?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
What do you mean?Ps he thinks deep down it is his personal issue and how he reacted to it. I think it is because we were indeed put in a terrible situation by the female. I have no personal issue but I felt bad too. It is bad feeling whether he has personal issue or not. He might rationalized with his personal issue when it is really the emotional issue (the female). What do you think?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

This is certainly a possibility but at the end of the day, he has to want to be back in the relationship. I know it was wonderful while you were together (minus this other woman's influence) but sadly he has (for whatever reasons we can't quite pinpoint) pull out of the relationship. I would speak with him, tell him you believe the two of you would be happy together and see what he says. If he is willing to revisit the relationship, it would be wonderful. If he drags his feet, I would step back.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ok how do you think about this?:Ps he thinks deep down it is his personal issue and how he reacted to it. I think it is because we were indeed put in a terrible situation by the female. I have no personal issue but I felt bad too. It is bad feeling whether he has personal issue or not. He might rationalized with his personal issue when it is really the emotional issue (the female). What do you think?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

It sounds like you have clarity of where he is at...what he is feeling and where he is at emotionally. I think you should go with your gut on this. I don't know him and can't (obviously) read his mind. My recommendation is to reach out and see if he is wanting to enter the relationship again and see how he responds. Hopefully he will be all as I know this will make you really happy. : )

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
His word is we won't be back in the near future. He asked me to not wait on him because he can't predict the future and don't if he will or will not get better.I was asking if our breakup was more because of the fights, the psycho female, or deep down it is because of his commitment issue?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I imagine it is more because of his commitment issues than anything else. From everything you have told me, he really seems to enjoy his space and be unattached. Of course, this deeply connects to unresolved issues he has but sadly you need to honor this is move forward. : (

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
I just can't believe we are each other's best thing ever yet he has to give up :(((Should I continue chat with him or be friends?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
you think maybe 10 years later he will be ready to commit to someone lol?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Ya know, I think it depends entirely on you. Can you be close friends and not feel sad or do it without trying to get him back? At the end of the day, you should be with someone who wants to be with you and loves you deeply. I would recommend removing anything that stands in the way of you getting that. : )

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Lol...
You just don't think there will be any hope between us?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Regardless is it better to be in touch or not? If so how often?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
He "figured" it is his personal issue when our interaction has become really bad because off the female. Are you sure he isn't rationalizing using logic reason (his issue) above emotional problem? Relationship went wrong due to emotion reasons; yet people rationalize it using logic reasons.
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Also he told his friends he doesn't see a future with me; instead of he doesn't want to commit to antigen. He said it is because they didn't ask further so he doesn't have to go that deep.He initially told me too that when I mentioned my ex and talked about his look he felt he can't see a future with me. Then I told him these are small issues that silhouette break people up. Then when our relationship went really bad mainly because of the psycho female, he came up with the theory that he went deeper and realized down to the core it is because he has commitment issues.Now I am confused if he used this reason so it is easier to break up than saying he can't see a future with me, or if he rationalized using this reason on top of the emotional turmoil when he can't help it why he is bothered by small things, or he is right it is his personal issue causing it?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
It is true he enjoy his space and be alone. But issue came up when the fights and difficulty begins, which further surfaced his personal issue. While if things are more mellow, his personal issue is more contained.So that calls the doubt that it is really the fights and horrible situation we were facing under the psychotic manipulation of the female, yet his personal issue just made him resort to as a likely reason when he couldn't get over with the problems between us, and made him rationalize he should get out because that is his usual past pattern. It is not just him feeling so bad. I was too and I wanted to get out but I controlled myself. We were literally under covert manipulation by a puppet master (the female) and that is why we were so helpless.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Oh dear, sadly I think the relationship is over. I think it best if you didn't keep the friendship as it seems to keep you focused on why it ended and why it didn't work. I think you need to move forward, not thinking over and over as to why and try to analyze him. He has a lot to learn and a bit of maturing to do. Sadly you need to move forward.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
You are right but still I wonder if you know the answer to some of my questions?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Ohhh honey, I can't know all the reasons as to why he walked away as I can't get into his head. From what you have told me, though, it sounds like he likes his space, enjoys his time alone, doesn't do well with commitment, was a bit overwhelmed by the arguing. This is my guess though based upon what you have said.

I think your focus should be on yourself at this point, though. Please try to move forward and grieve this loss. I am so sorry as I know you really liked him. : (

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
You might be right. But do you think his opinion (that he will always be alone, never get married) is as firm as it sounds, or as a guy, they can be easier to managed to change their emotion)?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ps what about the big challenge caused by the female? We can't deny we both were put in a difficult situation by her. And it might not be because he is too non committal and I am too insecure. We were in a bad situation and we both responded naturally to the situation because we are human beings
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Don't forgot I acted needy insecure depressed and sad. But I was put in a situation to have these Normal and natural response. So is he.The only thing to blame is we both lack excellent skills to handle crisis.He tied it back to his history. But it might just be an coincidental match. Don't forget we were under attack and manipulation. We were under a complicated situation.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I do. I do believe he is firm in what he said and sadly it needs to be accepted. I have no doubt this other woman made things incredibly difficult and contributed to the challenges faced. Please, my friend, move forward as this man is sadly not interested in reconciliation.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
He says it is the right thing to do because of his commitment issue. It is a logic and rational decision because he is not bf material. We won't reconcile in the near future but he thinks the future is possible if he gets better. But he thinks I shouldn't wait on him.
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
He acknowledges that if he is committed, then whatever fights can be resolved than him choosing to escape. He just can't handle difficult and uncomfortable situations like you said.
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ps he gave his friends the reason as he can't see a future with me (mentioning ex, talk about his look) which made it look like the relationship is not working with me but he can work with someone else; yet he told me it is his commitment issue. He told me the same reason as what he gave his friends as well but I told him those are small reasons and shouldn't be good reasons to breakup. It just means he is immature. Then he probably came up with a bigger reason to break up: his commitment. This way not only he is not blaming me, he carry on all the blames so it will be easier to breakup and leave less grudge. Now I can't say anything except honor his request because he has commitment issue and he doesn't want to be with anyone.I asked him why he didn't tell his friends it is because he doesn't want to commit. He said they didn't ask why so he didn't tell. He also doesn't want to just go ahead tell them it is his personal psychological issue. I said you can just say you can't commit to anyone. He seems reluctant to do so. I said maybe you are telling them the real reason while giving me the scapegoat reason. He immediately shut me off by saying he has spent so much time explaining to me it is his personal issue yet I am still questioning him.I am suspecting he might be giving his friends the real reason and give me this reason to break up in an easier and sure fire way. What do you think?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I do believe you are correct in this...that he is giving his friends the real reason and gave you the answers he did as a way of not hurting you.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
you think it is not his personal issue, but more because whatever I said/done hurt him and he decided there is no future?Wow...not because personal issue at all?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I think both of these things have played a role in the break-up but imagine he tells his friend's it's all about the problems in the relationship (disagreements)....as to take take any responsibility. It think he told you he couldn't commit so as to not make you feel badly that it didn't work. I do think he does have commitment issues but tend to mention this as it feels better for him.

Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

At the end of the day, it's the reality that he doesn't like commitment, wants to be alone, feels there were many issues in the relationship and wants to be single. No matter the very specifics, you need to move forward on your own. I am so sorry.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
as to take take any responsibility.
-what?tend to mention this as it feels better for him.
- can you clarify?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
He thinks how he reacted to the relationship issues is a reflection of his deep down issue. He simply couldn't get over the issues between us. He related back to his history and thinks that he will always find reasons to withdraw and back out. The issues made him realize he is a Jon relationship material.What do you think?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Opps, I wrote that sentence incorrectly....my apologies....

So it should have said...."so as to NOT take any responsibility." In other words, he doesn't want to admit in front of the guys that he has issues that prevent him from being in a relationship.

Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I agree with you. I think he knows the relationship issues were intensified by his inability to work through his own unresolved past. He would never admit this to the guys though.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Oh more like ego - but he opened up to me About his issues. Is it a good thing that meaning he trust me lol? Does it also mean he must like me a lot to open up?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

Yes, I imagine he does/did trust you and imagine you are easy to talk with. I can't speak for his feelings but if he does like you, he still in unable to be in a relationship...sadly.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ok initially he said he will get better after my encouragement. Then I accused him hard for what he has done out of my own anger and frustration, now he is like he gave up and he will just be alone. He disappointed me so I just proved he better to be alone.Does this sounds like I have some influence on him? Maybe I can use Thiago influence him back? Lol
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Use this to influence him back *
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

ha ha. No, I don't think this will be a good idea. I fear he will push you away further. Sadly this man clearly wants to be alone. : (

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ok I mean influence in a way not looking like trying to reconcile. but more like a "friend".:)
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

You could but I'm not sure this is worth any further mental energy. I would simply move forward with a more healthy man.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Ok but so I should just not ever initiate talking to him again?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Do you believe he will be single for life or just 5/10 more years?:)
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
But still which one do you think is a more major reason: not seeing a future with me or his commitment issue?
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

It's all tough to say as I'm not a mind reader but who knows? It may, at some point, decide to work on things a bit and decide to settle down but I don't suspect this in his immediate future.

I don't think you should initiate talking to him as he seems to take up much of your mental energy. You do need to move forward.

I don't know his major reason for leaving (because I can't read his mind) but do know that both of the issues you mentioned (not seeing a future and commitment issues) played a strong role.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Is talking about ex and his look (the latter hurt his ego a lot) strong and valid reasons for a guy to not see a future with you no matter how much he likes you?
Customer: replied 3 months ago.
I wish it is as easy as you said but we really connected well and we both know things like this don't come alone often for many years :(According to him, he can't handle the surprises, unknown and responsibilities. Lol sounds like many guys can have that issue but what is unusual about his is he never had anything longer than 6 months. And what he described about himself matches with avoidant attachment style
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 3 months ago.

I know, this truly isn't easy at all. It's so difficult to move forward when you cared so much about a person and it seemed right in so many ways.

In healthy relationships, a person would say if they felt hurt by certain behavior (talking about an ex) and the opposite person who respond in a compassionate way by not continuing dialogue about the ex.

It does sound like there were many ups and downs in your relationship and I'm glad you are moving forward.

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
it is valid reason? So it is understandable he can't see a future because of these?

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