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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3240
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have been in a relationship with a married woman for the

Customer Question

I have been in a relationship with a married woman for the last 4 or 5 months. We got along great, fell in love, talked about a future together and she told me all about her unhappy marriage and how her husband treated her badly, no affection, he was moody, told her she looked fat etc. i advised her to tell her family of her intentions to leave, but she never did, i told her, that if she got caught it would be total carnage. She got caught!! It caused mayhem, the husband was besides himsself, which was a total shock to me after she portrayed a very deifferent scenario, saying how she didnt think he would be that bothered and that her family werent that close to him. When she got caught we spoke and she sounded elated at first, he then threatened to kill himself. She then could not leave. One week on and we are now at a stage where she says she does not know what she wants and she did not realise it was going to cause this much carnage. Then hours after her getting caught, she said "i need to make my marriage work" this has left me stunned, after everything she said?? After suffering for a week, Her and me.......She told me, she now needs time to sort her head out and figure out what she wants. Because i love her, i decided to step away and give her the time she needs. When i said this, her intial reaction was "what if i call you in three weeks and you dont want to know" and "dont block me on your mobile phone". Weve now had no contact for two or three days and its killing me. I cant work out if this is her gently saying "sorry, its over" OR she actually is just very confused. Shes hardly slept for a week, eaten and she sounds pretty down.....I then said, why not tell your family you love me, they can offer up advice, she didnt do that.....she also stopped telling me she loved me with the excuse "After everything thats happened, i am being reserved......can someone offer up some advice here, im literally going out of my mind. Thankyou!!
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Also, the day before i told her i would step away, she said to me "whats your xmas wish" i told her, it was for us to be together.....she said, i hope i can make your wish come true??? its so confusing, surely if she loved me that much she would not need time and she would talk to her family and leave her marriage???
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Ive been blocked from her whatsapp, and snapchat..........she claims the husband did this and she has lost all her privacy and he is essentially stalking her every move, also he has put an app on her phone so he knows where she is at all times. I am away at sea at the moment and will be for another 4 weeks.........i was thinking maybe her knowledge of me being away, if she gets time, there is no way i can go and meet other women..........so she is in a safe position??
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

I am sorry to hear of all of this confusion and sadness. She may have fallen in love with you but that does not mean she will be able to walk away from him or her family. Things often seem perfect when the affair is hidden and people dream and long to have that idyllic story book ending and then real life steps back in and it gets complicated. She may love you, but may not be able to bring herself to leave..it can feel scary to walk away from it all even with the love that exists between the two of you. The best you can do is to give her this time and space to sort things out for herself and let her decide what she desires to do. Very painful for you I know and so hard because there is no contact and your mind is going a million miles an hour, but at this point, it is truly all that can be done and if she does desire a life with you then she will make that happen. Even if she doesn't choose to be with you, it does not mean she hasn't loved you, it just may mean that the idea of walking away from her family is too great.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
But how can someone make those sort of promises, be so convincing that i was her world!!! And then cut and run the moment her she gets caught, i feel like i have been decieved and lied to. She said things like, im about to turn my world upside down just for you, im in love with you, one day we can have a child together.........then even after he found out, she was still saying it was just us!! the day before i told her i would break contact with her to give her the time she needed, she asked me not to block her on her mobile phone and she was concerned that if she called my in a few weeks, i wouldnt want to know??? Is this someone playing games in a fantasy land?? or is it that she is scared and confused......when i asked her if sh loved me during the last phone cal, she replied "yeah" then i said, well tell me if its true.....she then replied "YES, i do love you" but in an aggravated manor........i just cant make any sense of this.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
also, during the same final phone call, she asked my what was my xmas wish.....i said, us together, she replied, i hope i can make your wish come true?? Surely if she wanted to totally cut and run, she would have not still been saying those things?? unless she is a narsissist???
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.
I don't think she is playing games at all I think that this is a very difficult situation for all involved. she's trying to figure out what is the right thing to do, the best thing to do and what she is capable of doing and right now that is unclear for her. I know it is hard not to feel angry and frustrated but this is a very confusing situation so give her the time to sort it all out. There was no way to predict unfortunately but the best you can do is to give her the space to figure it out.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Please take a moment to click the rating tab to rate my support as I am not credited for my time without it.

Wishing you peace with all of this and hope it all turns out how you desire. Be well and thanks for taking care of the rating now.

Jen

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