Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)
It is interesting that you ask this type of questions. I just taught a group Thursday on personality disorders and working through conflict with others with Cluster B traits, so I hope that I can help you.
One thing is often true is that someone with Cluster B traits, may not recognize that they possess these, in fact, they may actually project these on their partners. They will see the patterns actually existing in you. I also think that the more you attempt to increase her insight, the more she will see you as this way and the more she will feel like she has been victimized. One thing that is often very true of personality disorders such as these, is that they are incredibly insecure and have low esteem.
Specifically, I like the way that this reference defines 3 of the CLuster B personality disorders: (resource: http://counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/understanding/)
A pervasive pattern of intense yet unstable relationships, mood, and self-perception. Impulse control is severely impaired. Common characteristics include panic fears of abandonment, unstable social relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive/self-damaging acts such as promiscuity/substance abuse/alcohol use, recurrent suicide thoughts/attempts, self-injury and self-mutilation, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate yet intense anger, and fleeting paranoia.
A pervasive pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking. Individuals with this personality are excessively dramatic and are often viewed by the public as the “Queen of drama” type of individual. They are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.
A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention."
So, your desire to break the pattern is admirable, but the important thing to remember is that you cannot take responsibility for the actions in the past that led to her unhealthy attachment issues in relationships.
In a relationship with a Personality Disorder, several basic truths are present. These include:
Take a look at this blog and I think you will like the communication tips mentioned....
I hope that this has been helpful and that you will provide a positive rating (3 stars or better) for the answer or interpretation that you have received. You can do this by clicking on the rating button and providing a score. The communication does not have to cease if you provide a rating, but it is the only way that the experts receive credit. My goal is to provide with you excellent service. I wish you the best and if you need further clarification, please feel free to ask more questions. I can also send more specific resources if necessary for you! Thank you! Jules