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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1485
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Second opinion] - I have been off and on with someone for

Customer Question

Second opinion] - I have been off and on with someone for three years. The relationship was tough and would have never worked however we still maintained a romantic contact. About a month ago he kissed another woman at work and I noticed his behaviour becoming withdrawn from me. After about a month of asking what the problem was he told me he began tonhave feelings for her and they are seeing each other. He also states that he wants to be friends and that I am still his priority but as a friend. I have been really hurt by his actions and have chosen to gife myselfn some alone time away from him. What should I do when he messages me? I may consider being friends with him in the future but I know he will hold my silence at this time against me. Should I take the time for myself or reply to him?
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Two days after the above scenario,I decided to eliminate contact with him. Only two days have passed and suddenly ive gotten mpre messages from him than I have for the entire month. After no replies he actually picked up the phone and called me to see why I wasnt speaking to him. So I did as you said and told him I didnt deserve the things he has done and I realised i shouldnt be the one running after him for the sake of preserving a friendship . True to his nature he didnt see the things he has done as being wrong and thinks I should just accept them. Also in one breath he is saying the girl he met and him have no intentions of getting together since they both have said to each other that they dont like one another and have no interest in getting to know one another on a deeper level, and if she ever decides to end things he would be torn up for an hour at most. In the other breath however he has met her friends, her mother knows about him and she gets jealous if he meets for lunch with a girl and she is one of the reasons things went south with us. He then tried to turn things on me and make me feel guilty about the entire situation, which is a trademark of his. He then ended the call by saying just reply to his messages. To be honest the two days I havent replied to him have been the happiest I have had in months and I realised I dont need him for anything. I will defimitely not be initiating any conversation or interactions between us two. However I cant seem to figure out what his motives are for wanting me around. To me it looks like he wants me as an emotional crutch or a backup, which im not okay with.Im hesitant to burn this bridge completely since we have a lot of the same friends and colleagues and he has helped me in some ways but I feel like I may have to. Should I reply to him from now on in the hopes of preserving civility or should I just let three years go?A further two days have passed since his phone call and I have maintained my stance on not communicating with him. Im just totally dissatisfied with his behaviour. However, he is beginning to get angry at my ignorance of him and it is giving me anxiety. I dont think he has any place in the world right now to be mad at me considering his previous behaviours. But im worried that if one day I do decide to mend ties it wont be possible. In his eyes he's always right.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 2 months ago.

Hi there. You have a lot going on with this guy. I do have to say that you are totally in the right with the way you are approaching this. You ask the question of why he keeps hanging on to you. The short answer is that he wants to keep you around for a hook up. There is no emotional attachment on his part because if there was then 1) he wouldn't have done what he did, and 2) he would own up to it, apologize, and try to make things better. Instead he wants to manipulate you. I can't see this relationship going back to just being friends. Usually in these circumstances you go separate ways. There is no civility between the two of you, he is looking to take advantage of you. I would say no contact with him and move on. For your sanity. What do you think?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Even though we have been intimate in the past., his stance lately has been no sex between us for the sake of trying to preserve a friendship. I just dont know if the things he has done and said lately are worthy of my friendship anymore. Based on the opinion of everyone around me without a doubt I should stop speaking to him. But Im not one to burn bridges. There is a huge possibility that in the future we will continue to share the same friends, colleagues, profession and workplace which demands some sort of civility between us two. However, I think its that same exact attitude of continual forgiveness that has gotten me in the situation in which I am today. I want to be able to make a decision about cutting all contact and not regret it but I cant say I wont ever will. I see the controlling and manipulative side of him and Ive experienced it many a time.My decision is to let him go. I just feel very afraid and anxious about how he is going to respond to that.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 2 months ago.

That same fear of how he will respond is what keeps you in these situations. I think forgiveness should happen, because that is what we do to have peace within ourselves and to move on. But just because we forgive does not mean we should keep putting ourselves in those situations of being hurt. So if I am you, I would write a letter or email explaining the hurt and damage that has been done, the forgiveness for those actions, and the plan to have no further communication. Wish him the best in life. And, stick to your guns about no communication. If you see each other in the future, then cross that bridge when you get there. But right now we need to deal with what's in front of us, and not all the what-ifs that could happen.

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