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Ask Therapist Leslie Your Own Question

Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 193
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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How do i know if my ex girlfriend wants to come back or is

Customer Question

How do i know if my ex girlfriend wants to come back or is hurting?
Submitted: 1 month ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Good afternoon and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area.

I am so sorry your relationship ended. I imagine you are horribly sad. Can you give me a little bit more information about your relationship and how it ended so I can better answer your question? How long were the two of you together? What was the reason for the relationship ending? Are you currently speaking or seeing each other at all?

My apologies. I want to ensure I fully understand your situation so I can provide a thorough answer.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Therapist Leslie

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Hello,We were together for two years. We were doing fine and until her life got a little crazy (graduation, finding a job, family issues, death in the family,). We split up and she went back an forth about if we should split up for a week or two. We split up because she said it wasn't working. She wrote me this long note about how she feels she needs to be there with her family during the death of a grandpa. That was the only problem she brought up the last time we talked. Her family didn't really like use together and we are sure why. She has been in some really bad relationships before and she told me i was the best thing that happened to her. We haven't spoken since july because she asked for space to cope and heal. I wanted to respect that. Every so often, i would notice her block me on social media or remove other people who post about me or with me in pictures. I haven't said or done anything so i don't know why she would do that.
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
My mom actually reached out to her last week because they had gotten close and they haven't spoken since the break up either. I was surprised when she answered my mom and she told her why and it was because she likes to create space between her and people who was in relationships with. It took over a day for her to respond and thats not normal. I was just glad she did.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Ohhhh sweet soul, I am so sorry. This is incredibly difficult.

I imagine she believes she needs to be with her family at this time and for whatever reason feels you cannot be included in that emotional space. I wonder if she sees it almost as having to make a choice between them or you? Is it possible her family were key players in this break-up?

Her unfriending those who are in your circle tells me that she is grieving the loss of the two of you and trying to move forward. I am so sorry as this is probably not what you want to hear. I'm wondering if you could, from time to time, drop her a card or a very casual e-mail...just to let her know she is still on your mind and that you think fondly ***** *****

Your heart must be broken, especially since it seems unclear as to why she ended the relationship. Obviously there were many changes going on her life and I understand her wanting to make decisions on her own but unsure why you can't be part of her life during this?

I respect the fact you are honoring her need for space. I imagine this is incredibly difficult to do when all you want to connect with her.

Please take good care of yourself while mourning this hard, focus on yourself, get lots of exercise, eat and sleep in a healthy way. You deserve to be loved deeply and hopefully love will come to you again soon.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with myservice. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I do have another question. I do feel that she was being force to choose between me and them. She never cared about what her family thought until things go crazy. Is she still grieving the lost after all this time and lack of communication with me? I have been improving my life during this time. Working on my spiritual life as well and i feel more confident that she is the one i want to be with. Is that a good sign that she is struggling to move on?
Customer: replied 1 month ago.
She is also choosing to see these post with me in them. Her only connection to them is me so she wouldn't be watching them other wise.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

I am so pleased you are working to better yourself. Please continue to do this.

As mentioned, I would casually reach out to her and see if she would be open to talking. I would tread gently but request a clearer understanding as to why she left. I do believe this will help you process things a bit better.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is, no doubt, incredibly painful. Please pull those in your circle close around you and reach out for help if needed.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I honestly just want to get her back. I believe she left because she felt like she had to and because of family. I'm afraid to reach out because I don't want to push her away at all. /
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

I understand but you can never get her back if you don't reach out. I would be very careful about how you go about it so she doesn't push you away though. I do believe you are correct that her family had an enormous influence on her decision to leave the relationship.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
you don't think I should wait for her to reach out since she requested the space? I thought about just sending her a letter of encouragement and letting her know I'm here. I think the parents played a part. She is 22 and just out of school if that gives you more insight
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Yes, I did figure she was about that age as you mentioned graduation and job. Do you think they have big plans for her and don't want anything holding her back from that?? They still carry a lot of influence with her...even at!

Yes, I like the idea of sending her a letter of encouragement. Great idea. This then puts it in her court and doesn't feel threatening.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
She has had some bad relationships and choices over the year so part of me thinks they are just overly protective. She doesn't have the best relationship with them to begin with. She feels obligated to them because of the death in the family and they helped her with school and things like that. I think she feels like she would get cut off to some degree if she didn't do what they wanted
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

I understand but do you believe they actually would cut her off. And if so, how would her life change....she's a legal adult? Or, do you believe this is an anxiety-fueled false belief that they feed into?

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I don't think they actually would. But I guess I'm not sure. They don't really know me well either. She didn't care about leaving them until the death in the family and her sister was getting married soon after which she didn't really want to be apart of but she did. That was two weekends ago
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Yes, I can absolutely see how these two major life changes would pull her back in. I imagine it would be very difficult to be with her right now since she is so entwined with her family and their thoughts/opinions.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I don't know. She talked so much about how she wants to marry me and we had our issues but nothing major. I also lived 3 hours away so we only got to see each other a couple times a month. I now live more than half the distance closer so now I'm in her area multiple times a week. But I don't believe she knows that
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Oh my, I wonder if things would change for her if she knew that? Please reach out to her. I like your idea of a letter of encouragement. I think this would be kind, appropriate and might open the door for some communication.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I'm thinking about it. The letter would just talking about how strong and courageous she is. She is going to do some amazing things in life. I would let her know that I am here for her if she ever needs anything and that I pray for her daily. I would tell her about my change in location if communications opened. I also have worked through my own issues that I was dealing with through the relationship. I'm just so afraid she doesn't feel for me and is moved on
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Yes, I can understand your fear. It's impossible to know where she is at right now. I would send the letter to see if she responds. I like your approach and can't imagine that she wouldn't respond.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I will think about it. Part of me believes that some thing is going on in her mind if I haven't done anything to break her space and she is still having to take other people off to not see me
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

Yes this is a possibility. But again, you will never know unless you attempt to reach out.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
I will do that then. My mom reached out a week or so ago. She i give it a little more time so she doesn't feel overwhelmed? When she responded to my mom saying she just needed space from me and my family, my mom responded by saying that she understood and that she is alway going to be there for her if she ever decided to come back. I don't know what effect that had on her considering her family and her don't get along and my family loves her like she is one of us.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 1 month ago.

I agree...perhaps waiting a little bit might be best as your mom just reached out.

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

If you wouldn't mind, please provide a star rating for my services. Of course we can keep talking after a rating is provided.

Warm regards


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