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Ask CounselorJules Your Own Question

CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 576
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have a friend who I consider my best friend. we are always

Customer Question

I have a friend who I consider my best friend. we are always doing things together. however, many times she will cancel meetups and have an excuse and I am getting tired of it. When she asks me to do something, I am there and I even make time for her cause she is busy on the weekends and I have a part time job but I do something with her before I go to work at 10 on the morning. One day I asked her to do something and she told me hew car needed a rest but then she wanted to go to an event I got tickets for and it was like a four hour drive. I got upset and didn't understand why she can't go that when I go for her. I don't want to do something saturday mornings before work but I go cause she said its her only time. my sister had a party on saturday night and she got mad she was not invited but she told me that she can't do anything saturday nights,
It seems she only does something if it benefits her. I told her I didn't understand.
we both were upset and she told me that she doesn't like to do things with me anyway and then she said she likes to stay home. She also told me that friends do not matter to her not even her dog or brother just her boyfriend. We didn't talk for a bit but then I saw her and said hello to her at school and she got mad that day cause she said that I ignored her. Now she is not talking and told me no more friends. she will not talk to me about this. a real friend would talk and work it out. I don't know what to do?
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.
Hi! Thank you for your question. Please bare with me. I will be back to provide you with a thorough answer!
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

That is a hard situation. It sounds like you really feel that you have been a genuine friend and are simply asking for the same consideration in return. And you are right, a friendship is about balance and trust. You may feel that you no longer trust her because she seems self-centered about her interests. It sounds like she may tend to push people away when she feels threatened. I honestly think that her actions are a "front" to try and protect herself from being hurt. She is probably very "dependent" on the relationship, but does not know how to really communicate her feelings. Does that make sense?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
it makes sense but what can I do. she justs down shuts down and she will not talk to me so how can we deal with anything
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I wonder how you feel about writing her a letter? Explaining that you care for her and understand if she feels alone, but that you do want to be a good friend. Share that you desire strengthening the relationship and that you would like to be able to meet "halfway" about spending time together and finding a sense of balance or compromise. Ask her what she feels she would mostly want in a friendship and how you guys can continue to maintain your foundation, but if necessary, sort through some boundaries....

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I sent a letter and it was no help
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.
It honestly sounds like you have put the effort forth that was necessary. Do you think now, it is time to focusing on allowing her to accept responsibility that she has in making a relationship work? I know it hurts, but it sounds like you've done all that you can for now.
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I have, she will not come around and the friendship will be lost
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I do understand that this is a really hurtful place to be in, but i do hope you dont identify yourself or your worth by the acceptance of a wounded person. She cannot have one foot out of the friendship, and one foot in... It doesnt really work that way-- that is not loyalty or trust. Focus on surrounding yourself with positive influences and positive people that balance you-- not drain you emotionally.....

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I guess she was not a good friend as a thought
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I can understand feeling that way. How can I fully support you to help you get through this?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I don't know, I thought she would talk by now, friends make mistakes but you work it out
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I totally understand. It seems like you may be dealing with a really guarded person who struggles with humility when it comes down to taking ownership-- you can't take responsibility for that.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I hope that this has been helpful and that you will provide a positive rating (3 stars or better) for the answer or interpretation that you have received. You can do this by clicking on the rating button and providing a score. The communication does not have to cease if you provide a rating, but it is the only way that the experts receive credit. My goal is to provide with you excellent service. I wish you the best and if you need further clarification, please feel free to ask more questions. I can also send more specific resources if necessary for you! Thank you! Jules

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 month ago.

Good afternoon, I just wanted to follow back up with you and ask if you felt that the interpretation was helpful, but if you have further questions, I am available for support. I just want to make sure that your question is answered thoroughly! Please let me know! Thank you!

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