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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 573
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We started dating

Customer Question

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 18. We were both pretty immature- him more so. He's lied a lot during our relationship about things that happened before we started dating or things that happened when we broke up for awhile. Now that we're more mature, I've talked to him about it, asking why he felt like he couldn't tell me the truth and apologizing for the way I would react to the truth in the past. How do I finally know if he gets it? In the past he says he stopped lying but didn't. I really don't think he realized how much damage he was causing and didn't wanna hurt me with the truth. I love him and though he might sound like a bad person, I know he isn't. He has friends that are girls obviously but I would never see him cheating on me. It's just the past lying that makes me nervous. I want to believe he understands how it makes me feel, but I'm not sure. He always talks about our future, and I want that, but I'm concerned that he may still be lying about things in the past. I don't care about what's happened in the past, but I wanna make sure he is honest in the present and future.
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC, and welcome to JustAnswer. I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

You know, I think it sounds like you have established your boundaries with him. I commend you for being able to do that. A lot of people forget to assert themselves in relationships and share what they mostly want. You guys have a lot of history, and people do mature and change. They also begin to take ownership and understand the repercussions of their actions. Do you have an intuitive feeling that he continues to engage in any lying, or is this just a fear? You may want to consider trying to discern what emotion is driving your concern? Love or fear?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I think that you also will want to keep each other accountable through communicating and sharing your fears or vulnerabilities with one another. You may have to let him know what you expect from him regarding temptations? What boundaries or parameters have you established?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Unfortunately I've been diagnosed with GAD and Pure-O obsessive thoughts. So I think partially my anxious mind tends to overthink and think the worst. What do you mean about boundaries or parameters ?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I was meaning sort of like "rules" or expectations in the relationship in order to protect it. Sort of like an imaginary fence around a home, a boundary in a relationship offers security to keep people out or to make sure you guys don't hurt each other. If you know that you have certain insecurities you may need to tell him specifically what bothers you-- texts from other women, calls from other women, deleting texts, going to clubs, not answering calls, things like this. He may need to know what "fertilizes" the little seeds of doubt creating a greater sense of mistrust.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I am working from my desktop now, rather than my phone and it makes it easier to send resources. In order to really communicate about what is important to you in a relationship, I would encourage you to try is understanding your love language. Gary Chapman found that there are 5 patterns of emotional connections and how we demonstrate them. He calls these our "love languages." The Love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. I will explain a bit of these. Words of affirmation are based on demonstrating appreciation, approval, recognizing efforts made by you or your partner- on the flip side if you recognize that you are sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism this can be a sign that your love language may be words of affirmation. Gifts are about little tokens or offerings that suggest that you are thinking of someone. It can be simple or elaborate, but it's the thought that counts. As far as acts of service, a quote comes to mind, ”Actions speak louder than words.” Acts of service may include mowing the yard, helping with laundry, starting the dishes, making the bed, helping load the car or unload the car of groceries. It could even be something that helps someone else in their career— anything that offers support someone through an action. Quality Time is based on providing undivided attention to your partner. Turning off the TV, making eye contact, turning toward them as they communicate with you— it is about focusing on your partner without allowing distractions to occur. Finally, physical touch, there is power in tenderness. This does not have to include sexual touch, but more or less, gentleness. It can be holding hands, a stroke of their hair, a massage, or a simple hug. You can take the quiz at the following link:

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I wanted to check back in and ask how I can further support you? I didn't want to leave you feeling that your question went unanswered. If you have more that you would like to process, please feel free to write back. However, if you do feel satisfied I ask that you kindly accept the answer provided, or provide a positive rating (3 stars or better) so that credit is received for the answer given. Communication does not have to end even after a rating is provided, you are welcome to follow back up with additional questions related to the initial situation :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Good morning! I came across a blog entry this morning that I thought was a really good read. I wanted to share it with you because you had mentioned your anxiety in the past and how it affects your relationship.... You can click on the link to read it. Please let me know if you receive it or if you feel that it is relatable!

Here is one excerpt of the article:

"Anxiety causes fear or worry that can make you less aware of your true needs in a given moment. It can also make you less attuned to the needs of your partner. If you’re worried about what could be happening, it’s difficult to pay attention to what is happening. When you feel overwhelmed, your partner may feel as though you aren’t present.

so train your brain to live in the moment. If you notice a fear or concern that causes your thoughts to stray from the facts or the present moment, pause and think about what you know (as opposed to what you don’t know). Calm down before you act. You can make purposeful steps to build trust in your partner. Share openly when you’re feeling worried, and consciously reach out to your partner (physically or verbally) when you might normally withdraw or attack in fear."

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 21 days ago.

I know it has been a while, but I do want to follow up with you and ask that if you found the answers provided to be helpful. I hope that you were able to utilize the information given. Best wishes! Jules

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