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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2804
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 yrs. We live together

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I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 yrs. We live together and co parent my 3 children when we have custody. We were both married prior to our relationship. During her marriage she was never faithful. She had multiple affairs (4+) and 1 lasted the entirety of her marriage (10 yrs) - he was and is still married. My question is this... she continues to talk, email and text several of the people she had affairs with (men and women). She has told me she will never cheat on me and that she has never committed to that before... She has told me i am enough and the only one she wants going forward. She has told them she is in a great relationship, in love and happy as she says, i have met one of them... she contends she has closed the doors. We have discussed marriage and will likely go that route within the year. Despite her statements I am still incredibly uncomfortable when she talks to them... the texts and emails are for the most part platonic however, there are occasional inuenduos and many many comments about the past ... she is the kind of person who cant stand disharmony and i know it is very important to her to retain these relationships.. however... it is bothering me a great deal. I have told her it bothers me when she talks to one of them (the 10 yr one) specifically... he has no boundaries and is a serial cheater. She has said just say the word and she will never talk to him again ... 1. i dont believe that... i think she just wont tell me (she only really shares half of what they discuss and when they discuss it now) 2. i have a hard time saying stop, i dont want to control her like that and i do for the most part, trust her.
so... what to do.

Thanks for being so open about things and I am sorry you are in such a tough spot. If you ask that she stop communicating then you are seen and felt as controlling, but if you don't you may not feel much trust. Her history suggests that being unfaithful is part of how she negotiates herself in a relationship so like you, I worry that this will take place again. But even if she stops communicating with these past flings, there i no guarantee that this behavior of hers ends either. So, what to do? I would let her know your feelings of discomfort again and let her know that you will not demand that she end these relationships but for her to think and feel with empathy how it must be for you. She can either keep these going for her own needs or she can mature a bit and see what works for her and her current love because that is where the focus should be.

And if she chooses to remain in contact then so be it and then you will need to see how you feel moving forward and if this can truly work for you and if you can feel trust and safety with her.

I would keep the lines of communication open around this and see if she can't, on her own, come to the realization that what she has now with you is what is important and not hanging on to old lovers. I am with you on this.

I am here to talk when you are available.

I am here if you need support, but if you don't need to dialog with me then please click on the rating tab to rate my support. I am here again if you need. Thanks.

Jen

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