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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1678
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Leslie, I wanted to request another phone call with you this

Customer Question

Hi Leslie,I wanted to request another phone call with you this weekend or next week some time. I know you may not have time today for a call but was hoping you could answer my question or provide maybe some written advice first.I'm still dating Hans and in general I feel much closer with him. We have been spending a lot of time together and are going on a longer trip just the two of us in 2 weeks. We never fight when we are together in person but we have had some recent arguments (not big ones or prolonged issues) over the last few weeks, that mainly start from texts.This week I had a rough time at work and realized I kind of took out my issues on him, particularly when I said I was annoyed he didn't pick up my calls the first time I wanted to vent about work and felt he wasn't being helpful enough. Then yesterday, everything was good until he made a comment via text about how he's felling self conscious and slightly uncomfortable about how many people have liked our photos together on facebook. For some reason, I became convinced that he's uncomfortable because he didn't feel as happy about us as his friends were. I became pretty emotional and we had a bad fight over it.I realize that I tend to get upset at him sometimes over comments or jokes that I interpret in the moment as threatening the security of our relationship or somehow shows he's not as into this as I am.On a second note, I am also bothered by his ex because I feel like the things that happened clearly still affect him. He reassures whenever I ask that it really is over and that he thinks there was just a fundamental disconnect with her that he doesn't see with us. He says he's really happy with me, wants to make this work, and feels he puts in a lot of work for us. However, for example, he got pretty upset when his ex texted him two weeks ago asking him to put a chair of hers that was still at one of his houses in storage. And he readily admits yesterday the way he reacted with me was partly because he had some flashbacks of issues in their relationship.I'm not going to sit here and say I don't also respond and feel insecure about things in my relationship with him because of my last relationship. The last one was so hurtful because I felt constantly like I had no room for error and that even one argument would lead to a breakup. So with Hans, I have that fear and assumption, and even that expectation that he's not going to really want to work things through when I'm not at my best or when I have demands he disagrees with.
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 4 months ago.

Good afternoon, Ying and thank you so much for your message. I will absolutely respond to your message but sadly can't at the moment. Will circle back in a little bit and then we can also set up a time to speak via phone this week. Looking forward to connecting real soon.

Warm regards,

Leslie

Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 4 months ago.

Good morning, Ying.

Thank you for your message. I'm so glad to hear things are going well with Hans. Wonderful!

Yes, I agree....we all respond from places of our own pain...which, of course, explains why you become insecure. Your last relationship truly paid a toll on you. It was extremely fragile and made you in a constant state of hyper-alert.

I'm a bit confused about the FB picture. Why did he not like all the positive comments on the picture? Is he someone who is very private and doesn't like social media? Or, does he have the type of job that requires he keep a low profile? If he is on social media, is his ex a "friend" of his?

I understand your concern about Han's ex but from what you say it truly does sound like this relationship is done. I can't tell you how to respond (obviously!) but I'm not sure this is worth any real estate in your mind.

I'd love to talk further. I could do Tuesday the 2nd at 4:00 or 6:00 p.m. Or, Thursday at 6:00 p.m.? Would one of these work by chance?

Warm regards,

Leslie

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Hi Leslie,Thank you so much for your response! Let's talk on Tuesday at 6pm? Please send me a call request. Look forward to speaking.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 4 months ago.

Sounds perfect, Ying. When you get a second, can you please send along your phone number? Thank you so much!

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Hi Leslie,I'm so sorry but is there any way to move this to a later time this week? My boss needs me to take a meeting today at 5pm that will probably run way past 6pm. So sorry. Thanks.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 4 months ago.

Good morning, Ying.

No worries at all. I totally understand. I'm completely booked for this week but let's absolutely schedule something for next week. Looking forward to talking with you soon.

Warm regards,

Leslie

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