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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have been in a distance (100 miles) off and on for 2

Customer Question

I have been in a long distance (100 miles) off and on for 2 years. She broke upwith me Dec 24,2015 because I couldn't make it to her family dinner on X mas Eve. I had my kids and prior arrangements, and she gave me less than24 hr notice.. Anyway, she wouldn't even let meexplain, just told me were done , blocked me .. that was it.. Well, I was doing well. Started tofate again, and she came a calling back in . May. Said she wanted to get back together and continue with plans of her moving in with me, getting a job and buying a house together. ( turns out she lost her job in May). Well, she was crying, told me she was sorry and she loved me more than anything. We started working getting back,and then she got job close to her home I invited her and family to the lake for some water skiing. Then 2 days later ( just 3 weeks after telling me she loved me and wanted to work things out) she says her feelings changed and let's just be friends. I was shocked, but she has done this before... My question is, why does she do this? I love her, but this was it. I told her feelings don't change in3 weeks, and deleted her number and defriended her on FB.. I told her not to ever contact me again.. But Iam afraid she will, and I am afraid I will believe her BS again and I can't do this anymore! Why does she keep doing this? Why can't she leave me alone? I know in a month or so she will show up.. My heart is mangled up.
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Good afternoon. My name is ***** ***** I am happy to assist you with your question. I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty in the question and with disclosing details.

Long distance relationships are quite difficult anyway, but you guys did manage to carry on the relationship for 2 years. It sounds like you have also been attempting to balance a lot of priorities (single parent, working, this relationship). You really put yourself out there for her and wanted to make it work. It sounds like the distance was an issue when it came to making spur of the moment plans, but honestly, even if you were closer, only giving someone 24 hours notice during the holiday season can leave anyone in a predicament. I hope you didnt beat yourself up too much over this at the time. However, it would have been natural to do so. It is actually part of the bargaining stage where we start saying "If only I had done this or this differently." However, you have to remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Ending the relationship over this issue and then going so far as to block you, etc, seems a bit harsh.

it sounds like though, when she was in a state of crisis or even transition, she began to think about you and the security that you offered. She began processing your stability and possibly even the love that you guys had and she wanted that back. She wanted to go back to the familiarity. She needed to feel safe again. You can take that as a complement in many ways. But then once again she got a new job, things became more of a "normal" routine, and she possibly began to feel that "the distance" was an issue once again, but the truth of the matter is that it wasnt the distance that was the problem; it was the commitment level that she demonstrated. She didnt seem to mind almost "using" you for her security or when she "needed your support" but when it came to being a "relationship" she wasnt really ready. I think that you do love her, and you want to be in a healthy relationship with her, but right now, it doesnt sound like "commitment" and "discipline" are on her radar. Feelings dont change over 3 weeks, but somehow when her circumstances did, she no longer relied on you. That is not healthy and it sounds like you guys have a different level of maturity.

In order to keep this from occurring again, I encourage you to remember the hurt that seems to follow the rebound. I know that this sounds negative, but you have to retrain your brain to remember some of the pain in order for you to have real contrast. You sound like a good partner to someone and that you would take the relationship seriously, but it does not sound like she wants that right now. I know that you are mangled, but until real ownership is taken by her, you have to keep your boundaries. Practice "silent power" where you dont allow yourself to be manipulated. My father once said to me. "If you rescue a damsel in distress, you just end up with a distressed damsel." Sometimes people dont know how to manage their own feelings. It sounds like she needed you to provide an emotional need for her at the time, but then when it was met, she no longer appreciated it. It may be time to show her the "contrast" of not being available. You may love her, which I believe that you do, but until she has the same "end goal" in mind, the relationship wont be healthy. So, I encourage you to focus on more of what you want in a relationship, but not necessarily a relationship with her. Focus on the kind of partner that you would like to have. Find the confidence to bring that into your life, but first, remember to allow her to take responsibility for herself. You were not wrong for trusting her-- that is what a mature partner does-- she was wrong for using you.....

I hope that has been helpful and you feel that the answer is worthy of a positive rating. My goal is to provide you with excellent service.....I would love to hear your feedback.

Thank you very much, Julie

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I just wanted to follow back up with you. I hope that you found the information satisfactory and that you will consider providing a positive rating (3 stars or better) in order to accept the answer given. This is the only manner in which experts receive credit for the answers given. Our goal is to provide excellent service and I want to make sure that you feel your needs were met. I am happy to continue assisting you if necessary. Please feel free to follow up with any additional questions.

Thank you and best wishes, Jules

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