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Ask CounselorJules Your Own Question

CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 672
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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How can you repair a relationship in Brazil? How can you

Customer Question

How can you repair a relationship in Brazil? How can you reestablish trust with a Brazilian?
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I tend to believe that we are all more alike than we are different, so maybe you can explain a little more of what you are experiencing and I can assist you :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

This is information about "conflict" and how to do this so that it creates opportunity in your relationship to grow closer and find resolutions to the problems that have occurred. I think you will find it to be useful :)

Insecurity can be really hard to overcome, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that this has to be a part of your relationship. You can focus on how you can use your insecurity to create intimacy, but you have to do this through honesty and vulnerability, rather than focusing on your anger. Sometimes we are reactive when we feel insecure. We really want to understand, but instead we react. There is a difference in responding and reacting. I am going to send some tips on healthy conflict and how it can lead to you guys becoming closer.

There is no need to fear fighting, it is healthy— it open communication and leads to resolution. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.
When fighting, focus on the issue— not the person. you cannot attack someone’s character or go after their past mistakes to make them feel bad. You have to remain open to their statements and how it can be solution focused. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new problem of hurting each other’s feelings.

Also, listen to the other person when they are communicating. Be aware of your body language and tone when communicating. Sometimes we don’t realize that we begin to assert ourselves loudly and that escalates the situation. So talk softly and make eye contact. Be honest and vulnerable. His own vulnerability with you leads me to recognize he truly trusts you....

It is also easy to be defensive, and it would seem natural to want to justify your feelings. Try to be curious about what they are saying, but not with sarcasm. Be sincere.

Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Ask for options, ask what you can do to adjust your role and show empathy? Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something different and work toward a collaboration.

Take ownership of your role too, make concessions about your fears and feelings. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.

Be vulnerable and remember that anger is a secondary emotion that protects us when we are hurting, disappointed or scared…. Try to be honest with him and recognize how much is your issue to address without blaming the other.


he other thing that I would encourage you to try is understanding your love language and his. Gary Chapman found that there are 5 patterns of emotional connections and how we demonstrate them. He calls these our "love languages." The Love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. I will explain a bit of these. Words of affirmation are based on demonstrating appreciation, approval, recognizing efforts made by you or your partner- on the flip side if you recognize that you are sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism this can be a sign that your love language may be words of affirmation. Gifts are about little tokens or offerings that suggest that you are thinking of someone. It can be simple or elaborate, but it's the thought that counts. As far as acts of service, a quote comes to mind, ”Actions speak louder than words.” Acts of service may include mowing the yard, helping with laundry, starting the dishes, making the bed, helping load the car or unload the car of groceries. It could even be something that helps someone else in their career— anything that offers support someone through an action. Quality Time is based on providing undivided attention to your partner. Turning off the TV, making eye contact, turning toward them as they communicate with you— it is about focusing on your partner without allowing distractions to occur. Finally, physical touch, there is power in tenderness. This does not have to include sexual touch, but more or less, gentleness. It can be holding hands, a stroke of their hair, a massage, or a simple hug. There is encouragement in touch.....This can help you meet your partner's needs, but also have yours met. Hope that addresses part of your question. Also you can think back on what led to some of your conflict-- this could be signs of what is needed in the relationship to feel more secure....

Here is the link to that quiz :)

Let me know what you think!

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
My friend had a relationship with a Brazilian national. They had a 3 month relationship. After that relationship was over. His ex later started a relationship with a Norwegian national. My friend found out that the Norwegian national was married. My friend showed his ex the link, and she got emotional. His ex's mother nearly had a heart attack. In Brazil, a personal attack against the individual is an attack against the collective. My friend never meant to hurt his ex's family. My friend still cares about his ex, because they had a lot in common. But he's hoping to still be friends with his Brazilian ex. Is there any way he can repair the relations and still be friends with his ex? What can he do to repair this intercultural relationship?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I believe that the most honest thing to do is have a vulnerable and humble conversation about what has occurred. The situation was unintentional and there was no desire to harm or hurt feelings. It sounds like a misunderstanding that can be repaired with explanation and demonstrating the intention with the interaction. Naïveté is what led to the issue, so hopefully honesty can lead to reparation. A cultural misunderstanding is not based on harmful intention, this was simply an act from a place of a lack of awareness. The act was also not to placate blame but to disclose the truth about a situation.... It was not meant to be an insult on character. Maybe the explanation of this would help.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
They've pretty much have blocked him on means of communciation, but would it be wise for my first to meet them face-to-face?
Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Correction-Would it be wise for my friend to meet them face-to-face?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.
That would be a good option, but what about the idea of a handwritten letter that expresses feelings but also asks for the face to face meeting if he feels somewhat uncomfortable with starting out with an in-person visit?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I just wanted to follow back up and ask how things have turned out and what your friend determined would be the best options. My goal is to provide excellent service and I just want to ensure that you have been satisfied :)