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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2744
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm a

Customer Question

Two weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm a gay male (37) and he's 28. We broke up once before 9 months ago for about 3 weeks (I broke up with him, then missed him terribly and asked him back.) The problem is I still came back to the relationship w/ one foot always out the door. My boyfriend is sweet, funny, handsome, caring, (it sounds cliche) but he's basically the best person I've ever met. I've just always felt that something was missing.
I also jumped into a relationship w/ him almost immediately after breaking up w another guy (a 5-year semi-toxic relationship). And it's only recently that I accepted that this toxic ex was indeed toxic and that I never fully got over him until now.
I also believe that "something" missing feeling really has much more to do with me than my current ex. This is my first relationship where the guy I'm dating is actually attentive to my needs and not the other way around, he loves me unconditionally, but I've never felt worthy of that love (childhood issues, very unstable family, etc.).
The things is, I know it's only been two weeks and I can't put my loving ex through this nonsense again. I know he wants to get back together w/ me (he's said as much) but he only wants to try again if I'm fully committed with both feet in. While this still seems a little terrifying, I also think this guy is worth it. He's my best friend and I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone else in my life. He would make an amazing husband.
Everyone tells me that I should really be single for awhile and learn to love myself, etc. (I get that, I've never really been single...ever). So while I get the advice, I also know myself. I know I want to be in a relationship with a great guy, and my ex is the best I've ever met. I just rushed into the relationship too fast, took too long to get over my ex and didn't appreciate this wonderful man the way I should have. I still have a chance to get back with him and allow myself to fully love him and be fully loved by him. I want to make this decision out of clarity and not panic of being alone (but as I'm feeling less and less panicky about being alone, my thoughts continue go bak to my current ex and how great we could have been). It's not fear that I can't find another guy. I have a fair amount of confidence (I've never had trouble meeting potential boyfriends), but I don't think I want another boyfriend. I think I want my best friend. I miss him so much and I want to return all the love that he gave me unconditionally. Are all my friends wrong? Do I really need to be single for awhile (they say many months). Or am I being stupid for passing up a chance to potentially spend the rest of my life with an amazing man? Please help?
Submitted: 3 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Thank you for being so open about where things are for you. It is always hard to get "advice" from friends, because they are not in it and can't know what you struggle with within yourself. When I read your words, it sounds to me like you were clear on what you want now and that is to be with him and live a wonderfully happy life together. Maybe you needed this jolt and seeing the toxicity of the last relationship clearly to realize that there wasn't something missing...the thing that was missing was your ability to fully let go and be loved in totality. But I here you may be there now. I don't know what being single gets you....a life of going out and meeting others while longing for him? Gaining more clarity? Maybe, but I think you are getting that now. While there are no guarantees about any relationship in life you can say that your desire and intention is to be together for always. If you feel that one foot is out the door then ask for some more time from him, but I have a sneaking suspicion this is where you want to be.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Let me know your thoughts.


Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Can I support you further? If not and you are okay with what I have provided please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance and I am here if you need me.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 months ago.

Haven't heard back from you and I would love to support you further. Let me know and if not, please offer a rating so I may receive credit for my time. Thanks.

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