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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question

TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1675
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have been with my girlfriend (fiance as of feb 2016) 5

Customer Question

I have been with my girlfriend (fiance as of feb 2016) for over 5 years. First we moved in together to a small apparent and were very happy. We used to travel and go nice places very often. After being together for 3 years we had a baby, we were both 25 at the time. I was not ready but never the less was happy to be a father. I have always thought it is best to have children when one is older.
After the baby we bought a house and moved. Ever since, things have been going bad for us. She is not the same person she used to be neither am I. I am OCD when it comes to keeping the house organized, she can leave in a really messy house and it does not bother her at all. She was not like that before. I work full time and she stays home and goes to school twice a week. She is about to enter pharmacy school.
My problem is that I stopped loving her. We have talked about this before and we always come to the agreement that we are both going to try, however, it never works... She’s a little jealous, reactionary and clingy. And all of our arguments about breaking up always end up in her crying and me feeling horrible and agreeing to stay and try harder. I think about our baby too, it is unfortunate that if we breakup she would have to be separated from both of us, but I also do not want her to grow up in an unhappy home.
My GF is financially dependent on me, as I said she is about to start pharmacy school. I make good money so I can take care of the house and all the bills. But if we break up I won't be able to afford our mortgage so she can stay in the house and an apparent for me, while at the same time taking care of her finances. And I would hate myself for life if she quits school because of this. I have though about this over and over and the only thing that makes sense for me to do is wait untill she finish pharmacy school 3-4 years from now, so she can be financially independent. I know leaving a lie for 3-4 years is not a good thing for any of us and it might not be fair for her but it is the most pragmatic thing I can think of. By the time she finish school I should be 31 still young to enjoy life. I might sound horrible for doing this even when we have a kid, but I feel like I can live a lie for 3-5 years fine but definably not for life! I need some advice....
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 4 months ago.

Thank you for reaching out to me, I hope I can be a help. I would hate to see you live in frustration for the next four years as well. I also don't want to see your children raised in an unhappy home.

The solution is to make it work. I recently surveyed several couples that had survived over fifteen years of marriage, The key to their longevity was reported to be over and over again just simple commitment.

My wife and I have been married 31 years. We have encountered difficult times many occasion over the years. The good times make marriage worth surviving, It is through enduring the bad we gain the opportunity to enjoy the good.

Figure out what has changed in your treatment of your spouse. Recreate that action. Treat her special. Be chivalrous. Do the one small thing she asks of you the most, Try this for six months. If after six months you have not changed your attitude toward her and her toward you, then decide if you give it up or hang on for a few more years. Hey, it is worth a try.

Does that make sense? Keep me posted...

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