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Ask CounselorJules Your Own Question

CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 575
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I wonder if something is wrong whit me because i am not

Customer Question

i wonder if something is wrong whit me because i am not lucky whit men
or do i not have self respect?
sometimes is about sex that they want
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 4 months ago.
Good morning. My name is ***** ***** I hope that I can assist you. Would you mind telling me a bit more about your situation?
Also, something to consider is that you have to remember that our actions or outer mirrors our inner. If we exude a certain level of respect and establish boundaries with others, we demonstrate a confidence that teaches people how to treat us. It sounds like you have been very hurt and I don't want you to beat yourself up like this. Sometimes in relationships we experiences these struggles so we really know when someone really knows how to meet our needs.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.

i had a friend before that was in mental hospital and he allways contacted me when he wanted sex whit me. and he sometimes wanted me to come late in night and use money for taxi.

then he was away for one month and wanted to meet me again.

then i have meet him one time after that and then suddenly today he send me a sms that i am a psykopat and he have blame me for using a alias name on a dating side and said to me to stop whit the psykopat behavior. so he have blame me for someting i have not do.

is good i never falled in love in him. he is really unstabil.

he also live in a building for mental sick peiople but he live in a

appartment in that building.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 4 months ago.

It sounds like this person has some issues that they need to work through. I want to assure you that his actions are a reflection of him and not you. You have to remember that you cannot allow this to reflect your own feelings of worth. If he has mental health issues, it can lead to paranoia, which also leads to him blaming you for things that you are not responsible for. Dont fall into that trap.....

I am going to share information from a couple of different sources that I have always found helpful....

These are based on philosophies of Jack Canfield and Louise Hay. I am a big fan of Jack Canfield, he has the books "Chicken Soup for The Soul." He talks about the "Law of Attraction" and using a simple equation to help us realize our goals and focus on achieving the things that we want. It is E+R=O. Events +Response= outcome. In life, we cannot always control the events that occur, but we can focus on what we want long term (outcome). So first, decide what it is that you want. Write it down and be very specific about the relationship, career, personal goals, etc that you have. Then think of every possible event that can affect your achievement of this. Then take the time to create potential responses to these. It creates a safety plan or at least some sort of tool that you have in your "toolbox" to help you continue to achieve that preferred outcome. It may sound silly. But I think it is always a good idea to feel prepared-- it tends to ease some anxiety too. It also keeps you "congruent" or from reacting or overreacting when something comes up.I want to share a bit more about Louise Hay with you. I am an optimist and tend to believe that I can use positive self-talk to affirm who I am regardless of what or how others may say or treat me. That is where Louise Hay comes in. She teaches affirmations and talks about recognizing our worth to help us get through the pain. I make lists of affirmations and read through them every day- especially at the beginning of the day or before bed. It is a great way to start and end. It is somewhat like the serenity prayer for me. I think of the blessings I received through that hurt and how I am going to focus on being a better woman tomorrow. I have quotes all over my clinical office to inspire me, and others. Some of them say things like "courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow." I have had to learn to be patient with myself also. And accept that there are times when I am weak and hurt. God gave us a spectrum of emotions-- those emotions, even the painful ones, really are a gift. You have to remember that you are created for a purpose and you are the daughter of a king-- that kinda makes you a princess. HA. But, what I mean by that is your worth is far greater than the acceptance of another person.

Please remember also that there is nothing wrong with using a bit of self-talk and self-love to reaffirm that. It's not self-indulgent- in fact it is appreciative for the blessings you have been granted. Try being patient with yourself but also telling yourself things such as "I am totally adequate for all situations." "I choose to feel good about myself. I am worthy of my own love." "I can stand on my own two feet. I accept and use my own power." "I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax. My entire body calms down." Some affirmations about relationships may be "I release the need for love, and instead, allow it to find me in the perfect time-space sequence." or "My heart is open and I speak with loving words." Even something like "I am comfortable looking in the mirror, recognizing who I am, and saying "I love you" to myself." For pain or forgiveness try "I am ready to be healed. I am willing to forgive. All is well." Or "I move beyond forgiveness or understanding. I have compassion for all." "Each day is a new opportunity. Yesterday is over and done. Today is the first day of my future." Even "the past has is over, so it has no power now. The thoughts of this moment create my future."

Something that I learned about, after going through my own painful experience was that there was a difference in "forgiveness and acceptance."

I am typing the following from the book “I Can Do It” by Louise Hay. I think it offers an amazing explanation.

“Forgiveness is a tricky and confusing concept for many people, but understanding the difference in acceptance and forgiveness is important. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you condone their behaviors. The act of forgiveness takes place in your own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person, The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting yourself free from the pain. It is an act of releasing yourself from the negative energy that you’ve been holding on to. Also forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the painful behaviors or actions of another to continue in your life. Sometimes forgiveness means letting go. You forgive that person and then you release them. Taking and stand and setting healthy boundaries is often the most loving thing you can do. “

You have the freedom to make your life anything that you want it to be because you have freedom of choice.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 4 months ago.

I would love to hear your feedback. Please let me know how else I can assist you :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 4 months ago.

We can continue processing if necessary. Please let me know if I can assist any further.

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