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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3244
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My boyfriend splitted up with me a month ago, after having

Customer Question

My boyfriend splitted up with me a month ago, after having proposed me, and giving me no reasons for the break up. We have had a lot of ups and downs, he has broken up with me at least 10 times in a year, he stops talking to me suddenly, but after a few weeks he comes back to me again. I love him deeply, but I have also discovered in his phone messages from him to other women, but once I mentioned that to him, and after not talking to me for some weeks again, he told me that he was just texting but he has never met anyone or has had an affair. I don't know what the problem is with him, when we are together he says he loves me, but it's like he has some emotional damage, or even some kind os depression that makes him behave like this. He is very far from his family and had to leave his son in his country of origin. He is always thinking about how to get more work to get more money to send to his son, and sometimes I feel he is just worried about that, that everything are problems in his mind. He is affectionate three days and the forth day he pulls away from me. I don't know how to deal with that, but I love him and want to help him and he with him, but I don't know how to make him happy, how to make him understand that I will support him the same way I have been doing so since I met him a year and a half ago. I would really appreciate your advise. By the way, I forgot to mention that he smokes marijuana on a daily basis, but I don't. Can that be the reason of his ups and downs too?
Thanks
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

i am sorry to hear of all this. i know you love him and want to support him, but his back and forth with you and constant break ups show that at this time he may not be capable of more. if you love him and want to take him back each time that is up to you. keep reassuring him you are there for him always. he is dealing with a lot and he maybe smokes pot to escape and yes can contribute to ups and downs. give him space when he needs it and be there when he needs it as long as that cycle works for you.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
How can I go back with him? What is happening to him? I know he loved me, he even told his family about about our engagement, but when we came back from our trip, he was all the time like worried or thoughtful, I do t know why. I tried to give him his space but one day I drove him to his place and he never returned my calls back, neither messages. Now we are starting talking again, and we even sleep together (no sex or kissing, but he hugs me in the middle is the night, and ties his legs around mine), so I know he feels comfy with me, he must be feeling something when he does that. But then, this couple of last weeks, when seen in public, he ignores me, and pretends to go on his own. Everything is so weird, that I don't even know how to react to that. I asked him why he proposed me to leave me a couple of weeks later, and he didn't respond,he doesn't want to talk about it but I need answers, I was gonna marry him !!! How can I go back with him? How can I make him feel the same way he felt for me before? How can we have a healthy relationship?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
I hear you on everything..I know how much you want to be with him and have a healthy relationship but that is not what is happening now so you sit back and wait if that is what you choose to do. Unfortunately I do not see this going the way you desire.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
How can I sit and wait when I'm feeling this way? What is then what you see in this? And why did he propose me then? When we were in Cuba with his family he was loving and caring, and I truly think he loved me. What happened then when we came back?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
I don't doubt that he cares for you ando loves you I am just not sure he has the staying power for any relationship evidences by what he has done to you over and over.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Do you think he is afraid of commitment?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
He may be afraid of how strong he feels and just knows he is not capable at this point
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I really want to be with him, but I wish I knew what's happening in his mind. He seems to want to move forward in our relationship, we even talked about having kids, but then, the next day, he pushes me away. I don't really know if that is my fault, if I have been putting too much pressure on him, although I didn't even talk about dates for our marriage or asked him for a ring. I don't really know what's happening in his mind and he won't give my an explanation. Every time I want to talk about a problem we are having or something like that, he closes to himself and doesn't want to talk, or doesn't answer the phone, or things like that. So I don't really know what's happening in his mind. For me, it's not possible to be in love with someone and ask her to marry you a month ago, and falling out of love suddenly, just like that. That's the reason why I think he loves me still, but how can I know if he doesn't want to talk about it
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
You need to step back..the more you push the more he runs. Relax, pull back and let it play out.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
You have a lot of experience with relationships, what are, in you experience, the main factors why men, even though they are in love, don't think they are able to be in a relationship, or to deal with that?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
Being hurt in the past, being cheated on and just haven't fully matured to make the full commitment.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I've been doing so all over and over again, every month basically. We are good a week or two, something happens in his mind, he breaks up with me, I disappear from his life for a while, and we go back together. But I don't see this like a healthy relationship, because it hurts, it hurts so bad. It's not fair that whenever he is afraid I have to step back, I cannot be waiting all my life for him to realize that he wants to be with me, or not.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I don't have the strength to do that anymore
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
But I cannot live without him neither
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
I agree and that is why I originally felt that you will wait around until you no longer can do it and it sounds like you are nearing that time.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
this past weeks we've been seeing each other, making plans together, laughing, having drinks, having fun, and even having sex, but two days ago, I slept with him, and told him I was going to my place to change my clothes. He told me he had to work and that he would call me after that. He even asked me to buy a shaving lotion for him, which I did. After all the afternoon I asked him if he needed the lotion, and told him about an event I wanted to go to. He never responded. I went to the event and he was there with his friends, but acted as he didn't know me. He didn't even talk to me. The next day I tried to talk to him about it, I went to his place, and he told me that we were not a couple anymore, and we will never be.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
We've been seeing each other like if we were a couple again, but then he tells me that, and I told him I couldn't split with someone I loved just like that, that I still care about him. Then he told me we could still meet and do things together but not as a couple anymore. I don't know why, but I stayed at his place and had dinner with him and his friends. Then we ended up sleeping together. But nothing happened. We just hug each other. But I don't understand anything at all
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
Time to move on. You deserve more and you may never understand sadly.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
That's the main thing. I agree, I deserve more, but I don't want t more, I want him back
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Now my question is, how do I move on? How can I start changing my life, and living without him, how can I stop worrying, caring about him?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
I know what you want but sadly you can't make him be different.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
Just need to involve yourself in many things, with many people and each day will get easier. It hasn't been easy because you take him back over and over and never give yourself the time to heal and move forward so it is you at this point that prevents forward movement.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
How do I stop loving him, how do a move on?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I promise you that I have done that several times. I have gone out with friends, I have tried to meet new guys, I have done exercise, I have changed my look, I have done all of that, but I don't know why, in my mind it's always him
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
The last time he broke up with me I had no news from him in a month and a half. I cannot tell you all the things I did to forget him, and after all that time, I was still in love with him
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
Time is the only thing that will ease that. Give yourself proper time.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.
I wish you the best. Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. There is no perfect answer here, only support for you. Thank you in advance for a positive rating.