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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2813
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I'm going to try to tell the short story. I met a guy online

Customer Question

I'm going to try to tell the short story. I met a guy online over a year and a half ago. When we met, I was going through a very painful and unwanted divorce. We had been separated for a year but I signed the divorce papers while I was dating the guy I'm writing about. I was insecure and needy, understandably. We broke up because he wasn't giving me what I needed. We continued to text daily but we were broken up. Over the next year, we became close friends but he wouldn't see me in person or actually talk on the phone. 6 months ago, we finally had a date but it was just friendly, even though there was a very obvious attraction and chemistry. A month later we had a second date and we kissed. Slowly over the last few months we've gotten closer and I have considered him to be my best friend and he feels the same from what he says. I talked to him about all of my relationship problems and he was really there for me. But he never came to me with problems, I have told him how I feel like he's my best friend but he won't let me be his. He says it's because he doesn't talk to anyone about his problems, it's not personal. About two months ago, I was seeing a guy I really liked and he hurt me pretty bad. My friend was there for he and he says he hates that guy for hurting me. Pretty soon after that we started talking more seriously and we started spending more time together. He spent the weekend with me. A week later he told me that he loves me too. Weve established being exclusive, we have spent every weekend together for almost 2 months. We talk every day, sometimes on the phone even. But he won't call me his girlfriend. He has even said during an argument that we aren't even dating and our arguments and my insecurities are the reason why we never will. I told him we need to go back to being just friends and he got upset. He clearly doesn't want to lose me and I know he loves me. But he won't tell anyone about me, he won't meet my family or my daughter. He has only met my roommate because it was unavoidable. He doesn't like to go out, ever, so we spend our time together at my house. He doesn't like being backed into corners and he won't have conversations that he doesn't want to have. I'm afraid to bring things up because I don't want to upset him. I was in love with him for so long and he finally feels the same way, I feel lucky. I feel like I'm the acception to the rule. So I'm afraid to rock the boat by bringing the same issues up over and over. But I am starting to resent his refusal to be official. I resent him making me fear bringing things up. I'm also the most serious relationship he's ever had. He's never had a long term relationship and he is 27 years old, versus me who was married for 6 years. He has no idea how to manage a real relationship the way I do. And I do understand that he's learning but I'm growing impatient with his slow progress. I love this man and he is a good person. He respected me enough to not use me, he was always honest with me, he didn't lead me on. He made a point to push me away because he wanted me to heal from my divorce. He has been a wonderful friend. I trust that he is only talking to me. But he won't acknowledge me as a girlfriend. I want to understand why he won't commit. Will he ever commit? How do I get him to? And if he won't, how do I let go of him? I love him so much and he's my best friend but I want marriage and children someday and I can't waste my life away waiting for him. How do I walk away?
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 7 months ago.
I don't hear that you are ready to walk away....yes, I hear you are frustrated and worried he will hurt you but that can come in any relationship. He loves you and seems to have his own fears around saying the words, BUT his actions prove otherwise on every level. I know you want kids and marriage and he might too but he may not be there yet and may not be there yet to even talk about it...so what do you do? More of the same. Keep loving each other, keep letting the relationship grow and let it all play out. This path would be true for any new relationship and even if a new guy said he wants marriage and kids that doesn't mean it will end up that way. I say, stay the course and see what happens over the next few months and be your wonderful self and it may just be impossible for him to be without you. Let's see over time if he can introduce you to his world a bit...he hasn't because he is afraid of being hurt....you are both are feeling the same things...just breathe and let it continue to grow.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 7 months ago.
Let me know if I can support you further. If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so that I may be credited for my time. Thanks in advance.

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