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VA-NP
VA-NP, Nurse (RN)
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Nurse Practitioner
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I think my ex had borderline personality disorder, and I just

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I think my ex had borderline personality disorder, and I just can't get over her. her lies, and possibly cheating, have driven me insane. We broke up 3 months ago, and I have maintained NO CONTACT. She hasn't tried to contact me, and seems perfectly happy and carrying on as normal. this hurts, it's like I meant nothing. She has a rather nasty ex, whom she wanted to keep us secret from, but she kept us secret from everyone.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: no
JA: OK. Got it. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and then connect you two.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She always pushes "nice guys" away and goes out with narcissistic controlling, violent and drug dealing men. Her father was alcoholic, and left her early in her life, and her neurotic mother then married the king of all narcissists. She is TERRIFIED of love, she admits it is her, and thinks she will be like this all her life, even started to see a psychiatrist, but when I found out abot all the lies, both big, and stupidly little ones - I had had enough, after a year of supporting her, my needs just faded into insignificance. She "dumped" me day after boxing day, AFTER her and her kids had helped themselves to £2k worth of presents. She didn't mention she was going to do this until then. I've been ripped off, used, lied to, and possibly cheated on (I think 1 or more guys were in the wings). She traingulates, using her ex to gain sympathy, and claiming to be this poor victim/martyr, but now i don't know how much is true and how much isn't...
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
p.s her passive aggression was THROUGH THE ROOF - she was emasculating; always late (if she turned up at all), sex "hurt her" but like a martyr, she "endured" it; she always played the guilt card - could turn ANYTHING around and have YOU apologising; she NEVER gave a straight answer; she could make a you treating her look like she was doing you a favour, for which you were grateful; she was indecisive; she would say things, and then claim she hadn't; she would take delivery of packages, and then not remember where she had put them, or make you wonder whether you had even ordered something at all; there was the constant lying; it just goes on.... why the heck do I still love her/want her in some way to come back - it was great at the start so I know she CAN be great!
Expert:  Michael Salama replied 1 year ago.
Hello,You need to be thankful that you guys are no longer together. Trust me. Of course, it's hard right now but in the long run you will be able to look back and realize that being away from her is the right thing to do.Let me know if you have any other questions. If not, please don't forget to leave a positive rating as that's the only way I get credit for answering your question. Thank you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
that's f**king it? you ass clowni'm three years into psychiatric PhD and even i know i am suffering from CPTSD!!twat
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.
Hello, My name is***** and I will try to help you if you still want help. May I venture to guess that the reason you are disappointed is that the question was in the Relationship category? It wasn't in Health or Mental Health, where it really should have been if what you are concerned about is chronic PTSD. You can think of Relationship more like Dear Abby. There also isn't any stated question for anyone to answer beyond "why the heck do I still love her/want her in some way to come back." As a psychiatry student you know the answer to that. You are measuring her against the early part of your relationship - the "honeymoon phase" - rather than what you have learned she actually is. Most of what you have written is just a statement of your diagnosis of your ex, her shortcomings, and that her behavior makes you feel bad. Please respond if you are interested in continuing this. Best regards, Schuyler~
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It is quite obvious to me, that her PA was a projection, that she is terrified of being abandoned, so was testing and forcing me away constantly. This means that she DID love me, and the severity in which she was attempting to reject me was a reflection of that. THAT is why it falls under a "Relationship" heading. I am torn, as her behaviour is quite obvious to me. I love her, the real her that is underneath that I glimpsed on occasion. I grew up in the typical narcissist dynamic - father being NPD, mother the rescuer/people pleaser, my sister the Golden Child, and myself the Black sheep. I do not have any contact with my sister or father anymore. I see her situation with clarity, her being a black sheep too, and clearly very screwed up by her upbringing. I want her to KNOW she is safe, but the kinder, the more understanding, the more tolerant I was, the more she fell in love i guess, and rebelled - wanting (as PA sufferers do) to show her independence and not her dependance; plus, the more she fell in love, the more support i showed, the more she resented me and yet couldn't explain or deal with it, so i had to go.Her previous relationships she will admit were with people she didn't love; and will also tell you that she pushes the REAL guys away. I cannot get through to her, the walls are SO high. I know she is hurting, and i also know that she will probably be making terrible mistakes that she will regret and will compound her lack of self worth - e.g sleep with someone else/get into a relationship.Me, I am at my lowest ebb. I have been stripped of all my self worth and confidence. I am both angry, and hurt, and yet sympathetic. It is a "crazy making" mix. I know she will be manipulating what happened between us, not to just fool those around her and trick them into a caring response, but to also convince herself that "We" weren't right....it's incredibly painful.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think it is also quite obvious, that I dived in as some kind of white knight/rescuer. I have known her most of my life, and went out with her when we were 16. We've always had something. It is sad that we cannot be friends (my choice), but I couldn't bare the relationship being reduced to such a level - where she would get the support and sack any other responsibility or commitment (though in the last few months that we were together, this is how it had become). I KNOW she talks to other men, probably has quite a support network, using her martyrdom, and victim complex (plus looks) to snare other guys, stimulating their white knight/caring natures with (abundant) tears. In this I see strong (covert) narcissism of her own. I know these personalities are dangerous, especially for me - but I JUST want her to "get a grip" - she CAN change - she can - she even wants to, but I am afraid that when she does, some other guy is going to move in and get "the best of her".
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She is angry with her Dad and step Dad, and mother, and was projecting onto me. Me, I was appeasing my father who I projected onto her. After the honeymoon period things changed - I was sucked into the 5 stage Narcissistic/Cluster B relationship pattern - despite being FULLY aware of it, I didn't notice it happening to me, and I am now left ruined....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
(or 3 stage, depending on what you read)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
despite knowing all this, I can't seem to shake it....
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.
Hi again, I can hear your pain. Knowing something of the dynamic causing her behaviors (and yours) may be even more painful for you than for the average person. At this point, I'm sure you realize that you need therapy to help with this. Getting your own head around the pain and disappointment, etc. will make you healthier, and in better shape to suggest that she receive counseling for her issues as well. Of course this is an ongoing project, not something that will improve overnight. It's taken you each a lifetime to get to this point, it isn't going to change overnight. I hope you both can work through your respective problems and form some kind of mutually supportive relationship. However, even if she won't go to counseling, you can do so independently. Once you are both more comfortable in your own skins, you can consider couples counseling. It's going to be a big undertaking, but well worth the effort. Please let me know if you have additional questions. Best regards, Schuyler~
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I (perhaps paranoia, and due to my now low self esteem) think she has perhaps moved on/had moved on before she had completely rid herself of me. I have no way of knowing. There is no point asking duel friends, she kept "us" a secret from them too, and will almost certainly any new relationship. She does this I believe, for several reasons, with great and viable reasons - so she makes out - to protect them from the ex; she has kids and doesn't want to confuse them by introducing them too early to prospective "new dads", though I spent a summer with them, and at Xmas was asked by her son (7) and twin girls (5) whether they could call me Uncle. It breaks my heart, I love them all very much.. What this does allow her to do, is keep all supply links open, as other sources of supply have no way of knowing she is seeing someone, and they are kept in the "maybe one day" category, whilst they are lead on and continue to support her. She needs to keep the victim/martyr act going, or other guys (and girls) will stop "caring" for her if they feel she has found her "happy ever after".I feel if I made contact, she will INSTANTLY think, "I've won" and start the whole thing again. I hope she has seen someone as she claimed she was doing just as we were breaking up. If sse was seeing someone else and I made contact, i very much doubt she would tell me - she is utterly surrounded by mystery, you really never know where you stand or which way is up.So, counseling, especially relationship counseling...? No, I don't think that will ever come about. I would be a fool to even make contact with her I think. She won't have changed over night, she (I believe) will instead, and this will be done by conning her councilor too, construct a fake new reformed image of herself, and try that for a couple of years. Her story will involve her struggle and so on, and these will induce a hero aspect to her self projected image. She will know inside to some degree of course it is rubbish, I think me, and my months and months of support and explaining her ex and her family to her, and the effects, have simply given her the knowledge to weave an ever more so intricate and plausible false self.No, I am on my own, and just have to sit back and watch. God, those poor kids - daddy an alcoholic coke dealing narcissist with Anti-social Personality disorder, and her, NPD/borderline/histrionic passive aggressive....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
p.s not even the kids new we were together, and she told me that she had told her parents and sister, It turns out, she hadn't. They had no idea. Over Xmas, she made out that they were insensitive and controlling, and she wasn't 'allowed out" to come and see me. When she saw the presents I had bought for her family, she said that that would "teach them" since they had been so cruel to "us" and me (not inviting me over for Xmas etc). She portrayed them as hideous and selfish, and that she was some poor victim of them. As I say, as it turns out, they had NO idea we were together, even though we had been for the better part of a year.She used to say, that she wished she could keep me in her pocket, as i was good at pumping her up and counseling her.She was seeing a hippy-dippy spiritual councilor, she wished she could keep her in her pocket too. I see what/what she kind of meant now.If I was part of the Bristol in crowd, I think she would have paraded me around for all to see!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
having been completely gas lit, I am still three months on finding it hard. I don't know (well, i do, it's just hard to come to terms with) who to blame. There are so many questions, so many inconsistencies. I want to contact her, just to let her know I'm not stupid, and I wasn't fooled, as it feels like she has stolen my "energy", and i want it back!If I said to her, I wanted No Contact, she would contact me, just to say she'd respect that, it's kind of controlling, she would say, "I will do this for you"Here is an example of her saying something, then taking it back, and trying to screw ME up, saying I didn't hear/read it etc.Jane: "I so want the cosines cuddles and quiet. And I SOOo don't know how I'm going to do it, but where there's a will... Spent yesterday doing Fawk all at Nikki's (she wasn't even home with her kids til 5!) so that was good. Slept there (6kids 4 adults) in a medium size terraced house - funny."Then:-Jane: "THERE WAS NO 4TH ADULT. NO IDEA WHERE YOU HAVE COME FROM WITH THIS,AND MANY OTHER THINGS"
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
^ see how she is already making out that it will be tricky over Xmas, due to her family...? (she lives in France, we are both from Cornwall, in the UK. She was over for Xmas)When she DID come over (with kids) I took the kiddies to the beach whilst she slept. When I returned, she said thanks etc, and that they had never been to the beach before. But it is quite clear, on her FB there are photos of them all sitting i rock pools in swimming costumes - on a beach!????
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
p.s those two messages I copied and pasted were 3 weeks apart. She convinced me I was jealous and crazy, that she had never said there was a fourth adult. If it had been a girlfriend, or just a friend, why wouldn't she just say. Only AFTER i called NC, did I spot that message, as at the time I was so unclear where I had heard it, and she had tied me up in knots and confused me, made me believe it was all in my head.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thing is, when you did get to the bottom of something, which would take weeks of side stepping and now I know, lies, there would be twenty MORE things that weren't adding up, it just on and on and on!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She told me that her ex was putting screws in her tyres, and those of anyone that went near her place, her friends etc. She said one of her friends had confronted him, and that he had denied it, saying that the kids must have dropped the screws, but they only appeared in her and her friends' tyres, not the neighbours whom share the same drive, so it must have been him. This was it - we finally had the evidence we needed to go to the police about this guy (he has been barred from every pub apparently in the town where they live in France - for fighting, he's 45!).She DIDN'T go to the police, but I DID (in the UK)! That was attempted murder in my eyes. I contacted some of her friends and asked them not to be left alone in the house as this man is a wannabe gangster, court cases over the kids were looming, and he was dangerous! They all came back quite puzzled. No charges were ever brought, and Jane was very cross with me.I NOW think she has been making a large part of what happened up, and/or has a different story for everybody - I wasn't exactly introduced to a great deal of her friends out there.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
* I asked her friends not to let HER be left alone in the house...I can see that this guy IS a nutter, I have read his texts and emails and eves dropped on a few of his conversations, yep, he isn't a nice guy at all, BUT, I can see his frustrations with her now, and why he is hanging around (he cheated on her after ten years).She got with him because he WAS Bristol in-crowd, and dealt coke. She was big into drugs. That too I think has had an effect. I can see her path to drugs, his allure, and she doesn't take drugs anymore apart from the odd smoke.
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.
Gee, it does sound like borderline personality disorder - or even worse. I know you are upset, but I think you need to concentrate on you. Please seek a licensed counselor and start exploring your own feelings. Remember we can't change anyone else, only ourselves. Getting stronger yourself. I wasn't referring to relationship counseling any time in the near future. That would only be something to think about once you have both spent a few months working on yourselves. It really doesn't matter if she seeks help or not. You need to take care of yourself. I think you know that you can't do anything to change her. You can only change how you react to what she has done in the past to hurt you. You will just need to let anyone else who comes in contact with her fend for themselves. Taking care of yourelf should be your number one goal right now. Who knows, you may decide by this time nexr year that she isn't the woman you want to be with at all. There's no question you've gotten a bad deal. It's what you do about it that will define your future, and your future relationships. Taking the first step is always the hardest. Best regards, Schuyler~
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I haven't really talked to anyone about her, just a couple of close friends, whom don't know her. I realise she is ill, and I don't want people to judge her or snub her, she doesn't deserve that. She is so lovely, and so lost poor thing, and my instinct is to help, and to protect her. But I cannot stomach her being with someone else and using me for support at same time, that really would be going to far, I cannot do that to myself, and I know I'll never get a straight answer out of her, and even if I did, I'd probably not believe her anymore. So she's really stuffed it with me. It's horrible.Thanks so much for listening, and replying. And wow, my first diagnosis...It HAS brought up a lot from my childhood with my father, whom if you met you would think was a great guy. I feel for her, as I know her story, and getting family on side is one half of the battle. It's a terrible situation to be in - in a NPD family dynamic, either people are swept along with it, or they are too afraid to speak out, so recovery is very lonely, and takes a lot of strength. Her step dad has cancer and not long to live, perhaps (and God forgive me) him dying will be the start to them all being able to mend. Uh, that man - you can smell the narcissism coming off him, 70 year old in with a spray tan, bossing everyone around, he's such a bully - well, to girls and children - wouldn't even look at me in the eyes the coward that he is.Such a journey ahead of her. Number one is getting away from the psychopath ex. She has no money, and three young kids and she is miles from home... God help her....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
And yes, I need to concentrate on me, you can see that I am already thinking of ways to rescue her, but I can't. I have to get to grips with that, but when you love somebody....It HAS helped, that you agree with me that it looks like borderline, at least I'm not going insane. But worse? What do you mean? She has high degrees of narcissism I can see that, but they are close anyway in symptoms sometimes (BPD/NPD), but she's not full blown NPD, I know that, as my father WAS.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
please, what do you mean worse?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She has left me with no confidence at all, a distrust of other people, I feel like an impotent fool, a child, not a man (she has probably found/likes another guy, a "real" man); pathetic and weak; useless; flawed. A sucker a push over. Unattractive, ugly even ( I am baldiing, and am short - I feel VERY aware of that now, her ex was a 6' strapping builder guy - I had to see him every day, as he has the workshop under the house in which she lives). Every conversation was about him. I tok her to a BEAUTIFUL palace where we stayed and had a meal out doors beside a gorgeous lake as the sun set, it was warm, and she had champaign (I don't drink). Through the entire meal, she was texting her ex. When I told her I loved her, she didn't reply, instead siad she loved me like her kids 0 loved me but was not in love with me. Later, we "made love" which was more like a "get this over with, thanks for the champers and hotel".....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If I slept with someone else, I would be SO self conscious, I just cannot face another relationship.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She seemed pretty unaware of the damage she has caused me, and instead manages to turn everything around, and makes YOU go away and work on yourself, to come back "better". She's SO good at that. I can understand why her ex cheated.When we broke up, I was worried about her as she was saying she was having a break down and i hadn't heard from her at all in days. She said she was leaving to go back to France on the 1st january. She wasn't she went back to Bristol (and perhaps adult number 4) and left on the 5th. I had left messages saying safe journey etc, which she had seen though hadn't replied. I was worried, so i contacted her sister, whom told me all this, and was shocked to hear that we had been an item, as she hadn't been told. This is when everything started to unravel.Jane was furious at me for contacting her sister, and furious at her sister for talking to me. She managed to get me to apologise for contacting sister, and I think her sister too. She was very clever at deflecting the fact that SHE was the one that should be apologising. This is how she works.Strangely, her sister apologised to me, for not coming on Boxing day to my place with her kids, along with Jane and hers, saying Jane didn't look so keen for her to come.I had never invited her sister over, or her family. Sure they would have been welcome, but what had Jane been telling them?See, she has a different story for everyone, and she DOES NOT like different groups talking, as it soon becomes VERY clear that she has lied to/has a different persona with everyone in her life.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When I tried to leave her once, she sent me a message saying that she was IN love with me, and was scared. That she would have to get used to the fact "her love" would be with someone else. When I replied, saying that that was the FIRST time she had said she was IN love, she sent me films of her kids playing to "cheer me up" - I can see how she manipulated me. As soon as I committed, and said I would talk to her (on phone, which she didn't like - she didn't like phones, and would NEVER skype, as didn't like cameras), she was too busy to take the phone call, and when I did speak to her, her friend rang and she left our call to talk to friend. I waited 45 minutes as she said she would call back, she didn't and we were off again on the chsing her tip....
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
*chasing
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My real problem now, is trusting people - I REALLY do not trust anyone anymore.I suffer from Bipolar Type 2, Jane knew this all along. I have managed without meds, since coming out of rehab for drinking 3 years ago. I have not picked up, and have not had a full blown BP episode by the skin of my teeth.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The thing is, even if you laid all the facts and evidence out before her, she'd still be able to twist it and manipulate it, probably have you apologising with a mixture of tears and half truths. She will NOT take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING.If you do manage to make an agreement, she breaks it within days/minutes. Just when you think you're getting somewhere. She will admit to stuff and be totally open (seemingly) then completely deny what was said later on.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She WILL look you straight in the eye and lie. She is SO convincing, because I think she actually does believe her own bullshit, or tells it to so many people she makes it a reality... and yes, I am well aware of what that is a sign of, if that's what you meant by "worse"
Expert:  VA-NP replied 1 year ago.
"...And yes, I need to concentrate on me, you can see that I am already thinking of ways to rescue her, but I can't..." That is completely true. You are too close to the situation to be of any therapeutic help to her. She needs someone outside of her circle of acquaintance for that. We all have heard the old maxim that the doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient. Well, the same goes for family and friends. It isn't helpful for either the one trying to help or the one who is getting the help. They lack the distance and perspective to really be of any therapeutic use. "...It HAS helped, that you agree with me that it looks like borderline, at least I'm not going insane. But worse? What do you mean?..."Certainly she sounds like she has some elements of narcissism in addition to elements of borderline personality disorder. However, it isn't possible to tell what else she may or may not have without counseling her at length. All I have to deal with is a second-hand description from someone in a failed relationship with her. No one knows what she really is without talking with her. I am concerned that you go on at length about HER perceived faults. You need to distance yourself from her situation and concentrate on your own mental health. You already know you have some mental health diagnoses. You may need medication treatment in addition to counseling, and I urge you to seek it out. Best regards, Schuyler~

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