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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 572
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 years. twice while drunk. he

Customer Question

I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 years. twice while drunk. he forgives me and says everything is fine but i can't forgive myself
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: the first time someone kissed me at a party. i was blackout drunk and wasn't even sure it happened until i asked the next day but i had a feeling because i remembered pulling away. i felt awful and i told him and promised it would never happen again. the second time i had a party and again got black out drunk and i dont remember how it started but a guy was in my bed trying to touch me and making me touch him. i even reciprocated but i never let him touch me. this is while my boyfriend was away at basic training. i told him as soon as i could and he's not happy about it but he says he feels no differently about me and still wants to stay with me. i can't accept my actions
JA: OK got it. Last thing — Counselors generally expect a deposit of about $18 to help with your type of question (you only pay if satisfied). Now I'm going to take you to a page to place a secure deposit with JustAnswer. Don't worry, this chat is saved. After that, we will finish helping you.
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 6 months ago.
Good morning! Sounds like you are having a bit of trouble with accepting your actions and struggling with guilt. First I want to commend you about your honesty with your partner and second of all, you have to understand the difference between "guilt" and "conviction." When we experience "guilt" we tend to stay "stuck. We remind ourselves of failures and we remind ourselves of how wrong we are. We use negative language to talk about ourselves. We feel like we don't deserve good things or love and we think that we are just "bad" people. You made a choice to do something during a time when you weren't really in complete control of what is going on. Rather than guilt, focus more on the possibility of "conviction" or the desire to turn away and make changes..... Just take this opportunity to establish boundaries for yourself and recognize what has led to you being in those situations. Find a way to a create some accountability. Either avoid those situations or have a friend with you to keep you safe. Know your limits also. You can learn from this and allow this inner conflict to create an "opportunity for yourself."Im a fan of a woman named Louise Hay. She teaches affirmations and talks about recognizing our worth to help us get through the pain. I make lists of affirmations and read through them every day- especially at the beginning of the day or before bed. It is a great way to start and end. It is somewhat like the serenity prayer for me. I think of the blessings I received through that hurt and how I am going to focus on being a better woman tomorrow. I have quotes all over my clinical office to inspire me, and others. Some of them say things like "courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow." I have had to learn to be patient with myself also. And accept that there are times when I am weak and hurt. God gave us a spectrum of emotions-- those emotions, even the painful ones, really are a gift. You have to remember that you are created for a purpose and you are the daughter of a king-- that kinda makes you a princess. HA. But, what I mean by that is your worth is far greater than any decisions that you have made in the past.Please remember also that there is nothing wrong with using a bit of self-talk and self-love to reaffirm that. It's not self-indulgent- in fact it is appreciative for the blessings you have been granted. Try being patient with yourself but also telling yourself things such as "I am totally adequate for all situations." "I choose to feel good about myself. I am worthy of my own love." "I can stand on my own two feet. I accept and use my own power." "I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax. My entire body calms down." For pain or forgiveness try "I am ready to be healed. I am willing to forgive. All is well." Or "I move beyond forgiveness or understanding. I have compassion for all." "Each day is a new opportunity. Yesterday is over and done. Today is the first day of my future." Even "the past has is over, so it has no power now. The thoughts of this moment create my future."I am typing the following from the book “I Can Do It” by Louise Hay. I think it offers an amazing explanation.“Forgiveness is a tricky and confusing concept for many people, but understanding the difference in acceptance and forgiveness is important. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you condone their behaviors. The act of forgiveness takes place in your own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person, The reality of true forgiveness lies in setting yourself free from the pain. It is an act of releasing yourself from the negative energy that you’ve been holding on to. Also forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the painful behaviors or actions of another to continue in your life. Sometimes forgiveness means letting go. You forgive that person and then you release them. Taking and stand and setting healthy boundaries is often the most loving thing you can do. “In this case, you have to release the "old you."Also, write down your feelings and focus on how you don't want to experience this type of pain again. Focus on what you want instead.....I am a big fan of Jack Canfield, he has the books "Chicken Soup for The Soul." He talks about the "Law of Attraction" and using a simple equation to help us realize our goals and focus on achieving the things that we want. It is E+R=O. Events +Response= outcome. In life, we cannot always control the events that occur, but we can focus on what we want long term (outcome). So first, decide what it is that you want. Write it down and be very specific about the relationship, career, personal goals, etc that you have. Then think of every possible event that can affect your achievement of this. Then take the time to create potential responses to these. It creates a safety plan or at least some sort of tool that you have in your "toolbox" to help you continue to achieve that preferred outcome. It may sound silly. But I think it is always a good idea to feel prepared-- it tends to ease some anxiety too.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 6 months ago.
I just wanted to check back in with you and make sure that you were able to find some support in my answer. Please let me know if there is any more that I can do for you.

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