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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 620
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My fiance told me he want time out what does it mean JA:

Customer Question

My fiance told me he want time out what does it mean
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: We been together 5 years we get engaged before 6month .we have some argument he said he want time out help please how I will solve
JA: Anything else I can tell the Psychologist before I connect you two?
Customer: That's all thanks
JA: I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and connect you two.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
Good afternoon! I hope that I can help you this afternoon!
I do want to encourage you with this situation. Sounds like you guys have had a long relationship and have made the commitment to marry. That is a big deal and sometimes we naturally become very scared. If there has been a pattern of conflict that went unresolved, it may be causing him to feel afraid that this would continue in the marriage. I know you are hurting. If you don't mind, I am going to take a few minutes and send a full response with additional information. If there was anything else you would like to add while I prepare the answer, please do so :)
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
This is information about "conflict" and how to do this so that it creates opportunity in your relationship to grow closer and find resolutions to the problems that have occurred. I think you will find it to be useful :)Insecurity can be really hard to overcome, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that this has to be a part of your relationship. You can focus on how you can use your insecurity to create intimacy, but you have to do this through honesty and vulnerability, rather than focusing on your anger. Sometimes we are reactive when we feel insecure. We really want to understand, but instead we react. There is a difference in responding and reacting. I am going to send some tips on healthy conflict and how it can lead to you guys becoming closer.There is no need to fear fighting, it is healthy— it open communication and leads to resolution. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.When fighting, focus on the issue— not the person. you cannot attack someone’s character or go after their past mistakes to make them feel bad. You have to remain open to their statements and how it can be solution focused. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new problem of hurting each other’s feelings.Also, listen to the other person when they are communicating. Be aware of your body language and tone when communicating. Sometimes we don’t realize that we begin to assert ourselves loudly and that escalates the situation. So talk softly and make eye contact. Be honest and vulnerable. His own vulnerability with you leads me to recognize he truly trusts you....It is also easy to be defensive, and it would seem natural to want to justify your feelings. Try to be curious about what they are saying, but not with sarcasm. Be sincere.Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Ask for options, ask what you can do to adjust your role and show empathy? Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something different and work toward a collaboration with him.Take ownership of your role too, make concessions to him about your fears and feelings. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. This isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.Be vulnerable and remember that anger is a secondary emotion that protects us when we are hurting, disappointed or scared…. Try to be honest with him and recognize how much is your issue to address without blaming him. There can be benefits to a "break" in the relationship-- Yes, potentially and although it is painful, you will have to respect his wishes, otherwise he could potentially resent you. It can be hurtful to be told that your partner needs a break. Providing him with the space that he has asked for can be healthy and demonstrate respect and compassion for his concerns.My honest suggestion is that you have a truthful conversation though, to let him know that you don't want to lose him and that you recognize all that you guys have together in the form of a relationship.There are benefits to a "break," you can genuinely miss each other, be motivated to take better care of the relationship in the future and have motivation to work on yourselves, and love can become stronger.....The other thing that I would encourage you to try is understanding your love language and his. Gary Chapman found that there are 5 patterns of emotional connections and how we demonstrate them. He calls these our "love languages." The Love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. I will explain a bit of these. Words of affirmation are based on demonstrating appreciation, approval, recognizing efforts made by you or your partner- on the flip side if you recognize that you are sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism this can be a sign that your love language may be words of affirmation. Gifts are about little tokens or offerings that suggest that you are thinking of someone. It can be simple or elaborate, but it's the thought that counts. As far as acts of service, a quote comes to mind, ”Actions speak louder than words.” Acts of service may include mowing the yard, helping with laundry, starting the dishes, making the bed, helping load the car or unload the car of groceries. It could even be something that helps someone else in their career— anything that offers support someone through an action. Quality Time is based on providing undivided attention to your partner. Turning off the TV, making eye contact, turning toward them as they communicate with you— it is about focusing on your partner without allowing distractions to occur. Finally, physical touch, there is power in tenderness. This does not have to include sexual touch, but more or less, gentleness. It can be holding hands, a stroke of their hair, a massage, or a simple hug. There is encouragement in touch.....This can help you meet your fiancee's needs, but also have yours met. Hope that addresses part of your question. Also you can think back on what led to some of your conflict-- this could be signs of what is needed in the relationship to feel more secure.... Let me know what you think!
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I just wanted to follow up with you and find out if there was more that I can provide that would be helpful to you. I hope that you will have found the support informative. I can continue processing the information with you if necessary. Just let me know, or if you would like to accept the answer or provide a positive rating, I will acknowledge that as progress :) Thank you! Jules

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