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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 622
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My gf asked break we haven't spent a night together

Customer Question

My gf asked for a break we haven't spent a night together for about 5 days after being together every day for 6 months without having a break. I do truly care for her and her kid, our age has never been an issue but I thought I would bring it up she is 22 I am 33.She text me on a delay basis and we even FaceTime and talk and she let me talk to her daughter the other night. She has told me some of the mistakes I made in the relationships and I want to change. She told me she is enjoying her space but she also tells me she misses me and talks to me like she use to. I don't know what to do I am a wreck not being with her and it's to the point where I am worried she won't end it but at the same time I think she isn't sure what she wants. She told a mutual friend she needs to see changes and I have been trying the past couple days. Do I sit and wait or should I start the grieving process and move on? She told me last night she couldn't totally end it with me cause she isn't sure what she wants. I don't know what to do cause I do love her to death and want to work things out but j don't wanna lose her by telling her all this stuff.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
Good evening! Thank you for your question! I am available to help you this evening and I hope that I can provide a sense of clarity for you. I appreciate your vulnerability in your question. It sounds like you are willing to take a great deal of ownership for some of the choices that have occurred in the past. It also sounds like you are hurting deeply. I want to encourage you that while right now I understand that you are in despair, but you are receiving positive signs from her. She is not cutting off communication. She may be "enjoying her space" at the moment, but she is allowing you to have contact with both her and her daughter. I would say that is a good thing! She is not focusing on releasing the relationship at this point, or at least it sounds to me. I would encourage you to remember that actions speak much more loudly than words. Continue focusing on the amendments that you feel are necessary in your role, but also focus on how you can be a whole person as well. Something that you can try with her is focusing on how to meet her emotional needs, as well as your own. I teach people in the clinic about the use of the Five Love Languages. I suggest that maybe you can examine these a bit. I will send a bit of information about this as well as a link (it's free) to actually take the online quiz. The love languages are as follows:1. Words of Affirmation“If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”2. Acts of Service“If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”3. Affection“This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”4. Quality Time“This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”5. Gifts“Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.” if you are interested in understanding your own love language I would consider the following:Your upbringing can speak into your love language. How did you parents show you love growing up? What made you feel the most loved as a child? There is a high probability that is your primary love language.When you really want to show someone you care about them, what first comes to your mind to show it? Your most basic instincts can show your primary love language as well.Painful relational experiences can show your primary love language. If someone close to you hurt you in a deep way or neglected to show love the way you wanted, perhaps the deep hurt/dissatisfaction came because the way you most feel loved was not met. This means that what they failed to do is what you value the most because it is your primary love language.Here is a link to the quiz:http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ I think that through vulnerability and honesty with your partner, you will be able to see real changes. All you can do is demonstrate to her your sincerity. I think that you will find that communication about truth and real feelings, rather than the use of defense mechanisms or fear, that you can demonstrate to her your compassion and care and she will understand your efforts. I think also that boundaries are important. If you have made decisions in the past that are apparently affecting your relationship, just attempt to explain your perspective and help her understand, but also demonstrate a sense of respect and empathy for her feelings. Honestly, you are probably already in the grieving stages because you have started processing the "what ifs" of the situation, but don't attempt to become emotionally cutoff until you fully feel that she is no longer interested in the relationship. Respect her space, but be sincere in any communication that you offer. I wish you the best!Let me know what you think! Jules!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Thanks for the response, I don't want this relationship to be over and I have told her this multiple times hopefully this is okay that I am doing it. The 1st two days I was a wreck and wouldn't stop I do love her and really want to be with her. I am just extremely confused with how she talks to me all the time, but u fear she is doing it to not be the bad guy. She has told me she misses me when I say it to her but she never expresses those feelings to me. Tonight during our FaceTime call she even showed me a boob hahaha. Which confused me cause I feel that isn't normal if she was done. Also I was with her this past Saturday and again last night for a couple hours talking and each time she hugged and kissed me which also is confusing to me. I just don't know what steps to take and how to realize what she wants. When I ask her she says she is enjoying her space but she misses me and doesn't want to end things because she still cares for me.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I would definitely say that you are experiencing some mixed messages. I think that she truly does miss you, but she is afraid of committing to saying that "yes" she wants to be back together because she is more than likely afraid that things will go back to being the way they were.
I would say if she is being a bit flirty with you, that you are getting some positive signs from her!
I would allow things to naturally progress and I think that as long as you are focusing on what you mainly want with her-- a healthy relationship-- that you will continue to engage with her in a positive manner. I think she will see the person that she fell in love with. I think it will remind her of what your true foundation as a couple is.... Sometimes we get all caught up in dusky things and we lose that, but this can be an opportunity for you both!
I encourage you to "think from the end." Focus on the long term desired outcome and be intentional in your actions. You sound like you love her and miss her-- let your positivity flow and she will recognize that energy from you!
Allow conflict to create an opportunity for you! Let this be a "restart" or the opportunity to correct patterns that kept you guys from working out before!
Does that make sense?
I believe that healthy conflict is always a good thing! It leads to solutions but also personal awareness! Don't let this be a deterrent. She clearly misses you!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
So I should continue to allow her to have the space she asked for but make sure she knows I still care and want to change for us both. When is enough enough tho when should I tell her she needs to decide or is that something I just have to guess
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I would be cautious in providing an ultimatum. You have spent six months with her and it's been 5 days of the separation, but you're communicating daily.
I think right now you would be most succeeding with the empathetic approach something like "I understand that right now you are working through some feelings that are confusing to you. I recognize that we have had our past issues, but I don't want those past issues to make you feel like our future had to be affected. I care deeply for you and your child. I want you to understand that I respect your need for space and I have made a genuine offer in trying to make things better. I do hope that you will be honest with me about what you see in our future, but I hope that you will focus on love and not fear of being hurt. I would love to see you and talk to you in person so that you can understand the sincerity of my words."What about something like that?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
Successful ^^ not succeeding. Autocorrect! Sorry!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
That sounds perfect I just fear that if I push like that she may get scared. Like I said sometimes I worry age is an issue or maybe it's the fear that she does truly love me and is scared to do it all the way.But I also fear a break is an awful thing in a relationship and it scares me cause whenever I have. Had that in the past it has ended. This time I am trying not to overreact but it's confusing to me that she contacts me the way she did when we dated and is still flirty with me on ways I said.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I don't think that you have anything to lose by being honest with her about your feelings. You are kinda stuck in that in between stage at this point, and why not lay it out there. I think it's always better to be honest and vulnerable than question the "what if" scenarios. I also don't think you have to apologize for honesty-- you won't have regrets one day and think about the possibility of "what might have been." Hope that makes senseAlso, she has a child-- she is probably considering that quite a bit right now. A woman's love for her child is a bond that is spiritual in ways-- she wants to protect that-- so she guards it. Be understanding with her and let her know that you recognize the gravity of all that she is considering! You sound like an insightful person, trust yourself!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
And I do keep that in mind that's why I don't understand why she would continue to allow me to talk and when I was over be with the child if she didn't Atleast think we had a chance it's just killing me not knowing what she wants and the waiting is driving me crazy cause it could go either way she could tell me to come over tom or she could say good bye and I wanna make sure I am doing everything I can
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
It sounds Like you really care for her. I would be very expressive with her about what you are feeling but without a need for an immediate answer. If she feels pressured she may make a more brash or impulsive decision. I think if you demonstrate that patience but also express to her your own self-respect and genuine emotion, you will be succeeding in finding out where she is at emotionally. I think it has been wonderful that you are mindful of her position. I bet she recognizes that as well. I truly think she is simply scared right now.... Try the love language quiz for both of you. Tell her you found it online and that you think it would be helpful. I think you may enjoy doing it any way! It's very useful and insightful for relationships!
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I just wanted to check in and see if you received any positive feedback from your partner? I have been curious about how things were going today. I don't want to inundate you with emails, but I did want to follow up. I hope you don't mind :)
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Actually just got off the phone with her and told her the stuff we talked about last night I took what u said and wrote it down and changed some things and told her this is what I said to herI understand that right now you are working through some feelings that are confusing to you. I recognize that we have had our past issues, but I don't want those past issues to make you feel like our future has to be affected. I care deeply for you and *****. I want you to understand that I respect your need for space and I have made a genuine offer in trying to make things better. I do hope that you will be honest with me about what you see in our future, but I hope that you will focus on love and not the fear of being hurt. I would love to see you and talk to you in person on Sunday so that you can show you the sincerity of my words and actions going forward.She only responded with a thank you and she told me maybe to allowing me to take her and her daughter to lunch on SundayBut she also told me she isn't sure what she wants to do. She did tell me a part of her still wants to be with me but she just doesn't know. She has been texting and snap chatting me all day long and I am trying not to talk about us but it's really hrd today for some reason cause I want an answer and like I told her I am not in charge of getting that answer it's on her I am just really sad cause I do love her
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I think it is wonderful that you personalized the response and took the time to communicate with her. I do think that she is being honest with you about her intentions and feelings. She does sound quite confused. I know it is hard, but don't pressure. I think that on Sunday when you guys have lunch, you will have a better idea of what to expect from her. Her body language and after seeing you in person and having the child around will be very indicative. Keep the conversation very positive and keep the energy positive. She will see you in the way that she remembers in the beginning. She is just scared.....I am really glad that you talked with her.....
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
It's just really tough cause I am not controlling what is happening and I can't make her love me again that's on her and it's scary. She also said if she wanted to break up with me she woulda told me by now but she just needs to think about everything. She hasn't said yes to Sunday yet she just said maybe but she made sure to tell me that's why she didn't say no. I feel that is a bad thing tho cause I want her to want to see me and I don't know if that's what she wants. Maybe I need to just have normal conversation and not talk about the relationship till Sunday do you think that will help. I am not good with relationships so I don't know what to do but I don't want to ruin things either but at the same time I don't wanna sit back and say what if
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I think that you are selling yourself short! You are good at relationships. It is hard not to think about your past relationships and apply those hurts to this one, especially if you felt that your actions led to problems or the downfall of the relationship or if asking for a "break" means ending the relationship. That is not the case though; I think that she is being open with you. I do encourage you to focus more on normal conversation and less on the relationship status. The label of the relationship does not change what is between you guys. I think it may be good for you to focus on the positives and less on the scary idea that you would lose her. I know it is all confusing. I think it is great that you recognize what is in your control and what isn't. I do think that you have to tell yourself that you are good at relationships rather than saying that you are not. If you have the inner thought that you are not successful in a relationship, you will believe that and then you wont be able to attract the one you want into your life. I believe that "thoughts are real forces." You have to use positive thoughts and affirmations to achieve what you most want. I am going to send you a little exercise to try!You can also utilize Universal Laws such as the Law of Attraction to continue to attract the relationship that you most want into your life. Are you familiar? I am a big fan of Jack Canfield, he has the books "Chicken Soup for The Soul." He talks about the "Law of Attraction" and using a simple equation to help us realize our goals and focus on achieving the things that we want. It is E+R=O. Events +Response= outcome. In life, we cannot always control the events that occur, but we can focus on what we want long term (outcome). So first, decide what it is that you want. Write it down and be very specific about the relationship, career, personal goals, etc that you have. Then think of every possible event that can affect your achievement of this. Then take the time to create potential responses to these. It creates a safety plan or at least some sort of tool that you have in your "toolbox" to help you continue to achieve that preferred outcome. It may sound silly. But I think it is always a good idea to feel prepared-- it tends to ease some anxiety too. It also keeps you "congruent" or from reacting or overreacting when something comes up.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I guess the only thing I am wondering is it crazy to believe that maybe she just needs some alone time?? Like is it possible she still cares and wants me but wants to just be alone like she knows it's killing me not being with her but should I continue to wait?? I just dont know what to do anymore and it really sucks I just sit and text her all day and she still uses pet names with me and I feel like it's normal but at the end of the day it's not
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I think that sometimes as we get closer to people, we get scared. I think that it is normal for her to be working through her feelings. I know that the end of the day when you are in bed and alone it all seems too real. I definitely think that she still cares for you and wants to be with you. I think this could actually be really good for your relationship, if you guys are respectful to one another throughout this..... But if it does bother you and it is keeping you from being able to get through the normal day, ask her about possible boundaries because it feels too painful. Remind her gently that a relationship does not involve a revolving door and that you are hurting with the "back and forth." I would suggest that you wait til Sunday if possible to do this though. See how the "in person" interactions go first.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
So just when I thought maybe things were going better since we have been communicating and stuff she told me today that she doesn't really want that she wants to have time without talking to me. She still says she doesn't want to be 100% done and still says she misses me. Like is this normal or is this the start of the end?? I am a wreck now cause everything is telling me to not stop contacting her in any way possible because I need to make sure she knows this isn't what I want. I feel like I may have been pushing to much to get an answer but I can't just sit back like I feel like I am messing up by doing that. This sucks and isn't what I want but I feel like I have to respect her but I feel like this is just the start.I told her earlier that is being apart makes me feel like it's causing us to grow apart but she told me she disagrees. I don't know what step to take I don't want to lose her and will do anything but I just feel like this isn't good. Please be honest and thanks
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I feel like I can hear the disparity in your message. I think you are right on several levels. Yes, you will have to respect her wishes, otherwise she could potentially resent you. It can be hurtful to be told that your partner needs a break. I have really thought that providing her with the space that she has asked for has been healthy, but she was who initiated the conversations with you? This seems really confusing. Honestly, I am wondering if you are right about her attempting to ease her way out of the door and then going to drop a bomb on you that you don't want to hear or feel. My honest suggestion is that you have a truthful conversation-- let her know that you don't want to lose her, but that you are not going to someone that sits and waits for someone to decide if you are good enough for them. It is an unfair position to be in . You understand that she has decisions to make, but that you have to focus on how your life can go on too. Just like you cant be "half pregnant" you can't be "half committed." It may be time to establish the boundaries with her about your own expectations and self-respect..... There are benefits to a "break," you can genuinely miss each other, be motivated to take better care of the relationship in the future and have motivation to work on yourselves, and love can become stronger.....I tend to agree more with your ways of thinking though. It could end the relationship because one of you may genuinely believe you’re better off single even though the relationship has a great chance of working out to perfection-- and it can be an excuse to talk to someone else without the guilt associated with being involved in a relationship.....I think having the truthful conversation would be more beneficial. If she wants the break and is set on it, let her know that it doest really fit into your mindset. End your communication for a while and find ways to reconnect with friends and with the things that you enjoy..... Not simply done, but you wanted honest advice..... I am sorry if that is not want you wanted to hear, but it may be the hard truth......
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I disagree with your thought process thanks for your advice but I feel like she was contacting me because she knows what I want she has told me she still isn't sure what she wants but she wants some space from me getting upset. I feel like doing that will help and that's sorta what I wanted to hear. I do agree that this can't be part time and we need to decide sooner or later but I think maybe giving her a couple days with no contact could help us. A read a bunch of stuff and it shows why a break could fix a lot of things I wish you would been more positive
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I understand your perspective. I think it is better to be optimistic. Me playing devils advocate was actually really insightful for you I think! It made you recognize that you do truly trust her! I apologize if you disagree with the method, but it is called a paradoxical intervention-- it led you to defend her, suggesting trust. I think in your heart, you love her and you do believe her, and I do think that allowing her "wide birth" will give you the opportunity to create even more trust between you guys.
Do focus on what you want-- not what you don't want. I believe that's how you achieve what you really want....
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I am just so confused anymore with everything I miss the girl like crazy and it just hurts that she doesn't seem to care even tho I know she does and I think that's why she talks to me so much cause she knows it makes me feel better. But I question if me waiting is smart! I mean how long is too long it's only been a week. And I have seen her twice during that week I just am almost at the point where I am getting angry cause how does a relationship work if you can't be with somekne
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I do understand your confusion. I really do. It's part of the grief cycle too. I think you are scared because of the past. The second stage in the grief cycle is anger-- so I do want to normalize that for you..... It's okay for you to feel that way-- you have felt a violation of trust....
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
In your expert advice do you think I am being stupid by wanting to make this work?? I have never been in a break before because normally when a girl sorta ends things I lose my cool and say mean things and act almost crazy. But with this one I want it to work and make it work but do u think I should prepare for the worse
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I don't think you're "stupid" at all. Don't we all want relationships to work? Especially the ones that we have invested our hearts and souls into.
I am not sure there is a lot you can do to predict your future, but you can think about what life was like before her. Tell me what life was like then?
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
My life wasn't the greatest I would basically work drink smoke and play video games. When I was with her I had a family to worry about I stopped drinking and smoking and didn't have a desire to play games. I wanted to be with her and her kid. Now the void is I don't have either of them and I want them back
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
Your relationship with her provided you with the opportunity to see that there is so much to life. I would express to her exactly what you just shared with me.... The idea that life is much more than just our own gratification-- she provided you with much more than companionship, but also of love and family and of a future. She gave you a glimpse of what you most want.....
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
She knows all of this I have expressed what she has given me
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I just feel like the only thing I can do is give her the time she needs
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I am debating on not talking to her for a day or two just to see how she teacts
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I do understand that while that is hard, she may need the opportunity to experience the "contrast." There is an author who wrote a book called "Miracles." His name is***** have several of his books here in my home. He talks about when you recognize that you want something badly that you pay a "wanting it tax." I am going to send you a quote about this..... "When you lean psychologically or emotionally toward people, it is a sure sign of insecurity. It makes others feel uncomfortable They resent the way you’re leaning on them and will react by denying you. They don’t like your self-indulgence and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability. It rattles them. Animosity builds. Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates, it robs them of energy and crowds them. They have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own. They don’t like the imposition and they often react negatively, even if they don’t say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your ways, but then feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually or financially. They will feel empowered to use you, or deprecate you, or discredit you, in some way. Remember, when your energy touches others, they subliminally know if you are weak or strong. It effects how they see you. Thus an important first step in silent power is don’t lean. It’s obvious but most don’t know it. When you are frantic for people, your needs have an air of desperation. They weaken you and push things away from you. Have you ever had a romantic relationship where the other person was all over you like a hot rash, desperate for you? What did you do? Probably for the first few days you enjoyed the attention but on day 3 you gave this person a hard time and you started to toe them around by the nose. You enjoyed that for a bit but eventually their insecurity or desperation bugged you and soon you tossed this person out. When you are in love and crave someone, and this individual keeps his or her distance or retreats from you, then your desire increases. If this person advances to far forward then your desire lessens, or may dissipate completely. When you’re desperate for a deal and lean into it, you push it away or you wind up paying more. It’s called wanting it tax. Before every deal take a moment in the hallway and remind yourself you don’t need it. If you don’t get it, it doesn’t bother you. If you do get it, it will be under your terms and you won’t pay too much’." Dont take that text in a condescending way, but what I am encouraging you to understand is that there is such a thing as "silent strength." There can be benefits from the "break" and her not having you immediately available, as hard as that may be.....
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
That's my problem I fear if I do not talk to her she may read it the wrong way but at the same point a friend of mine said girls would respond when u act a way that seems like u don't care. I don't know what else to do
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
My heart hurts for you though--- I went through an awful divorce and I do truly understand the pain that you are dealing with. I felt like I was living an oxymoron. I was the personification of a hypocrite in my mind as I had to release a relationship with someone but yet counsel others in how to make their own work. It was very difficult. I loved the idea of the family system that I had and I loved the idea of being happily married, but letting this go because someone else was not fulfilled by what I had to offer was painful.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
You can tell her, "I am not comfortable with this idea, please don't take my lack of communication as a sign that I am not interested, but I am trying to respect your needs. i want a family with you, but I also feel that I have to respect your desires; I am only doing this or agreeing to this because I love you and I feel that I have no choice."
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.
I just wanted to check back in with you and find out if there was any more information that I can provide that may be helpful to you. Let me know how else I can continue to support you or if you have found any clarity with your situation.