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Ask Tarra Bates-Duford Your Own Question

Tarra Bates-Duford
Tarra Bates-Duford,
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 26
Experience:  CEO at Family Mattters Counseling Group LLC
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I have been married years to a prior Army husband. He got

Customer Question

I have been married for 28 years to a prior Army husband. He got out the military did not retired. I had to work to job to get my three boys out of private school. After I got them out of school I continuing on with my ph.d the only way I could pay for it I went over to Kuwait worked contract for four years. while I was working money was going into my bank account to help with bill although he have a job making more than me. I left him due to he spent 250 thousand dollar of my money. He is in depth so I left however I try and call him text him he will not ans be back although I am still married to him. he is not sending me no support whatsoever. I am working part-time teaching until I can get a full time job. my questions is why he want ans the phone or tech and block me on facebook and have that he is single. My husband did me wrong and all I do is sit up and cry everynight due I need to see a marriage counselor or psycharist. I am hurting. but he do not love me since ten years ago he could not have sex and did not try to help himself.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Tarra Bates-Duford replied 8 months ago.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and how this has affected you. As a forensic psychologist (specializing in familial dysfunctions) and a marriage and family therapist I must tell you that your husband has abandoned the marriage both emotionally, sexually, and physically. Your husband has engaged in many hurtful behaviors that suggest to me (and I am sure you as well), that he no longer wants to continue the marriage or values it. You stated in your message he lost his love for you ten years ago, however you have held on. I encourage you to seek, therapy for yourself. Individualized therapy will help you build your self-esteem again, begin to recognize our strengths, and accept that this marriage is over. By holding onto a relationship that has ended years ago you run the risk of preventing and or dragging out the healing process. Yes, the end of a relationship, a marriage is very difficult but think about how much pain you have endured emotionally and financially by allowing it to drag on. Too many times when one party has exited the relationship they engage in behaviors that are often cruel and hurtful to the other party. This behavior can stem from a variety of reasons, but often it stems from a desire to be free of the relationship. You will continue to experience the pain because there has been no resolution, and answer from your husband, or closure surrounding your relationship. You have already made some positive changes in your life, pursuing your PhD, which is no easy task. Once you accept that this relationship is over and make an active attempt to move forward you will see the pain will gradually begin to subside. However, if you continue in this marriage, with all of the cruelty and uncertainty about its future you will remain conflicted. Everyone deserves to be happy, don't you think that goes for you as well?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I left him in Nov 2016 and moved to another state. He told me he did not want me to tell no body that he took 250 thousand dollar of my money. we had to sale the house. he is now in depth. he told me when I left him that he wanted to get back together. however, when we suppose to file income tax he gave me a phoney address cause he did not want me to know he was living with our son. although my son with threw a devoice while I was working in Kuwait. my husband will call me talking about the son was not helping so I would tell him to get extra money out of my account to pay the bill. so when I written the son and told him what happen that is when he block me on facebook and want ans phone call. he brain wash my son.my son is 28 year old and was taken his side until I wrote my son the letter. I been gave up on him however I am just angry about my hard earn money he took from me. now if I go to his supervisor and tell them he will lose his job, however I need the insurance until I get a full time job. do you think iam doing the right thing due to I want the devoice so I can get my Alimony.
Expert:  Tarra Bates-Duford replied 8 months ago.

I think you are doing the right thing, by engaging in a "tit for tat" with him it will only add to and drag out the pain you are experiencing. This man appears to be engaging in very deceptive behavior, i.e., giving you a phony address, brainwashing your son, telling you he wants to get back together, etc. Based upon your message his behavior and everything he has said are in stark contradiction to him wanting to salvage this marriage. I understand your anger and frustration with this situation but anger and letting this situation go on longer than it has to will only blind you to any wonderful opportunities that may make themselves available. I do not think you should contact his supervisor, although it will cause him to lose his job (and cause him distress), it will also harm you as you will lose health insurance. I suggest following through on ending the marriage formally as it has ended informally many years ago.

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