Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and how this has affected you. As a forensic psychologist (specializing in familial dysfunctions) and a marriage and family therapist I must tell you that your husband has abandoned the marriage both emotionally, sexually, and physically. Your husband has engaged in many hurtful behaviors that suggest to me (and I am sure you as well), that he no longer wants to continue the marriage or values it. You stated in your message he lost his love for you ten years ago, however you have held on. I encourage you to seek, therapy for yourself. Individualized therapy will help you build your self-esteem again, begin to recognize our strengths, and accept that this marriage is over. By holding onto a relationship that has ended years ago you run the risk of preventing and or dragging out the healing process. Yes, the end of a relationship, a marriage is very difficult but think about how much pain you have endured emotionally and financially by allowing it to drag on. Too many times when one party has exited the relationship they engage in behaviors that are often cruel and hurtful to the other party. This behavior can stem from a variety of reasons, but often it stems from a desire to be free of the relationship. You will continue to experience the pain because there has been no resolution, and answer from your husband, or closure surrounding your relationship. You have already made some positive changes in your life, pursuing your PhD, which is no easy task. Once you accept that this relationship is over and make an active attempt to move forward you will see the pain will gradually begin to subside. However, if you continue in this marriage, with all of the cruelty and uncertainty about its future you will remain conflicted. Everyone deserves to be happy, don't you think that goes for you as well?
I think you are doing the right thing, by engaging in a "tit for tat" with him it will only add to and drag out the pain you are experiencing. This man appears to be engaging in very deceptive behavior, i.e., giving you a phony address, brainwashing your son, telling you he wants to get back together, etc. Based upon your message his behavior and everything he has said are in stark contradiction to him wanting to salvage this marriage. I understand your anger and frustration with this situation but anger and letting this situation go on longer than it has to will only blind you to any wonderful opportunities that may make themselves available. I do not think you should contact his supervisor, although it will cause him to lose his job (and cause him distress), it will also harm you as you will lose health insurance. I suggest following through on ending the marriage formally as it has ended informally many years ago.