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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 671
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I'm ***** ***** :) Well basically I have a boyfriend who

Customer Question

I'm ***** ***** :)
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: Well basically I have a boyfriend who I've been with for 3 months but I think I'm falling for my guy best friend. The problem is that I had feelings for my best friend before I got into a relationship with my boyfriend and I kind of feel that I rushed into a relationship with my boyfriend. I barely have anything in common with my boyfriend, I don't like his friends (the ones that I've met anyway) and he tries to portray a 'bad boy' persona and acts proud if he gets pulled over by the police etc which can be really frustrating. I also don't feel that I'm completely myself around him either. However, my best friend is the complete opposite. We have the same taste in music, the same sense of humour, I'm 100% myself when I'm with him and he's just so much more sensible and whenever I'm with him I have a great time which can't be said when I'm with my boyfriend. Now I'm really confused who I love because my mum and girl best friend think I'll end up with my best friend as they think he likes me but I'm just really not sure. One final thing is that boyfriend is going to university soon and will be 200 miles away so I'm not going to see him as much and I really don't think we'll last much longer after he's gone but I'm just not sure if I do still love him or not. Sorry about the long paragraph!
JA: OK got it. Last thing — Counselors generally expect a deposit of about $18 to help with your type of question (you only pay if satisfied). Now I'm going to take you to a page to place a secure deposit with JustAnswer. Don't worry, this chat is saved. After that, we will finish helping you.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

Good morning! Thank you for requesting me. I have read the question a few times. It is normal to have these feelings for a "best friend." You guys trust one another, spent time together, you recognize his intentions as a close friend to you. It sounds like you also recognize that your current boyfriend has some traits that don't really fit into your value/ moral system. You recognize that he is leaving for school soon also. This all is suggestive that you have lost some of the initial feelings that you felt for him. That is an okay thing. We go through these stages in relationships. One thing that you must keep in mind in a relationship-- if it no longer serves a positive emotional purpose for you, it is okay to change or release yourself from the relationships. You are not in a legal commitment and you recognize that he has a negative "energy" as far as the "bad bay persona. I think in the long run, what you really want is the guy who is kind, trustworthy, considerate, and that you have more things in common with. You never need to stay in a toxic relationship anyway. It simply does not allow you to be who you truly are. You were created for much more than that. You need to feel relaxed and open with a partner.

Now, I am curious? Are you concerned about caring for your best friend because you are afraid it will ruin the relationship you now have?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

The only time I would recommend someone to reveal their feelings is if they are SURE it is mutual. A really honest friendship will often develop into love without any conscious effort. And if he doesn’t ˜love’ you, isn’t having a REAL, HONEST, CARING guy friend better than a boyfriend that might leave you at any moment? Friends are people who you don’t have to constantly worry about leaving you for no reason. And if he cares for you and stands up for you, he already loves you in a way already. I wonder if the safest option for you, is to release the negative relationship, and allow the natural progression with your friend to take place. It can be a scary thing, but it is okay that you have these feelings for sure!

On the other hand, after you’ve been a good friend with him for some time, you should be able to read their moods. You should be able to get some sense as to whether or not the friendship has developed into more of a romance for him, as well as yourself. If you see these signs, you might want to begin to talk about them with the good friend you so deeply love. After all, good friends should be able to talk about nearly anything. You just have to be willing to accept their answer and you don't want to lose his friendship because of fear. One of the most exciting, but frightening, barriers a friendship faces is when one person falls in love with their best friend of the opposite sex. The feelings are so intense, and the fear of revealing them can be paralyzing. You have spoken to your mom and girlfriend about this. They seem to recognize the chemistry and kindness between you guys as well. My encouragement is to end the relationship that negatively affects you and enjoy your friendship and embrace the positive energy.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

How else can I help you? My goal is to provide excellent service and I don't want to leave your question unanswered :)

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