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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 578
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have been with my boyfriend. He is very independant and

Customer Question

Hi,I have been with my boyfriend for 6months. He is very independant and keeps saying to me that im too available and needy and he wants me to let him chase me. He has Bipolar. I have tried to back off and he keeps saying he will call me for a catch up and then doesnt. He gets side tracked with work or busy dealing with stress at home and I will get a text saying "I'm tired and will call tomorrow. Love you" Or he will call me when he only has a spare minute or 2 in his break. I feel really confused because we are long distance and these phone calls mean alot to me. I don't know if I'm being needy, should communicate with him or just do nothing? He told me he would call me this morning and I got another text saying "Sorry to hear you're Ill sweetie, you need rest and lots of vitamin C. I am running late so will call you when I get to London. x"
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

Good morning! I will be helping you today. If you don't mind, I'm going to take a couple of minutes to provide you with an answer. I wanted to ask if there was any more information that you would like to provide, if so, feel free to do so now while I'm responding to the question. Thank you! Julie

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I think it is really important to communicate your needs in a relationship. If you don't, you are going to continue to feel hurt which later can turn into resentment. I would also encourage you to approach him with a sense of vulnerability. If he feels that you are complaining, it could lead him to acting defensively. I actually suggest that you are feeling very self conscious about the relationship. Seeing him or talking to him is important to you and your security. Having been diagnosed with Bipolar does play a role in how you approach him. An understanding of the disorder is important also, because he may have trouble at times with organization or planning. Additional pressure can cause him to feel anxious as well.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

These two articles discuss the importance of communication in a long distance relationship.

Maybe say something like this, "Babe, I know how busy you have been lately. I am really proud of how hard you work and all that you balance and accomplish. I am just really missing your voice. I appreciate the texts and the time that you do take for me, but I really want us to make plans so that we don't put our relationship on the backburner and miss out on opportunities to talk. I dont want to feel that our relationship is being brushed aside and I never want you to feel that I put your needs aside either. Do you think that we can come up with something that makes sure we are able to set specific time available for one another......"

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
Thank you, ***** ***** in an argument he told me that he loved me as a friend and that I was too fat. He then said the didn't mean it and loved me. And I'm feeling very confused about that and more insecure.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

Oh my goodness. I am sure that was hurtful. So you are feeling criticized and not affirmed by him. Do you feel that his statements were impulsive and part of the Bipolar disorder? Remember also that "what you permit, is what you promote." You cannot allow him to speak negatively toward you. Those external messages become the internal messages. And dating is a "job interview" for marriage. You may want to pause and think about what you want in the long-term. Think about your own future goals and remember your self-worth through all of this.

Customer: replied 7 months ago.
I think it was part of his bipolar, but the lack of communication and distance from him is confusing. He keeps saying I am too needy and demanding, and to back off but I will try communicating like you suggested.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

Please read the links that I suggested also, it may help you talk to him about the importance of the communication.

Im sorry that you are dealing with these feelings, but dont be afraid to ask for what you need in a relationship.

Best wishes! Julie

And if this has been helpful, please provide a positive rating :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I found this link. I think it may be helpful for you.

Also, are you familiar with the 5 Love Languages? It is a helpful tool to help couples understand how the give and receive love, which will also help communicate what you may need from him. I can provide that information if you would like.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I will go ahead and provide the information about the "Five Love Languages." I think it's something you may find interesting :)

There is a book and also several links available regarding this. I will send this information toward the end of my answer. I'm going to provide you with a brief description of each "language" first followed by the link for you to be able to do the quiz at home and possibly have your partner do the same! It is helpful in knowing this because your awareness can help you ask for love and offer love in the "language" that you and your partner most understand or need.

#1: Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

 #2: Quality Time

For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

 #3: Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

 #4: Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

 #5: Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 7 months ago.

I was just following back up with you :)

I hope that I was able to help you with your question. Please don't forget to accept the answer and provide a positive rating. It doesn't mean that communication has to cease, but it does let me know that we are going in the right direction.

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