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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 753
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My boyfriend and I have been together two years. We live

Customer Question

JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We live together, are extremely happy together and both very successful in our careers. The only problem is he never initiates sex. We have plenty of sex, but because I initiate it. He does everything else emotionally to please me, is always there for me and I really couldn't ask for anything better, but this one thing is so nagging. He says he doesn't think sex is the most important part of a relationship, which I agree - but it is still a huge part of being with someone.
JA: OK got it. Last thing — Counselors generally expect a deposit of about $18 to help with your type of question (you only pay if satisfied). Now I'm going to take you to a page to place a secure deposit with JustAnswer. Don't worry, this chat is saved. After that, we will finish helping you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Good morning! I hope that I will be able to help you! It sounds like you do have an overall healthy relationship! I am curious as to how you have communicated in the past about the sexual interactions and your satisfaction. Have you ever heard of the "Five Love Languages?" There is a book and also several links available regarding this. I will send this information toward the end of my answer. I'm going to provide you with a brief description of each "language" first followed by the link for you to be able to do the quiz at home and possibly have your partner do the same! It is helpful in knowing this because your awareness can help you ask for love and offer love in the "language" that you and your partner most understand or need.

#1: Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

 #2: Quality Time

For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

 #3: Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

 #4: Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

 #5: Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I suggest speaking to him in a manner that is vulnerable and explaining why the sexual relationship is important to you. I would explain with an openness that you to feel self-conscious because you love him and hope that you are able to satisfy him in other ways. It can make a partner feel rejected or hurt when the physical interest does not feel reciprocated. I am including a link about increasing intimacy in a relationship. There are other options other than sex to increase positive touch.

https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/2014/11/6-connection-exercises-for-couples-to-build-intimacy/

http://www.marriagecounselingformen.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/excerpt2.pdf

Let me know what you think :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I was just following back up with you :)

I hope that I was able to help you with your question. Please don't forget to accept the answer and provide a positive rating. It doesn't mean that communication has to cease, but it does let me know that we are going in the right direction.

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