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Ask Dr-A-Green Your Own Question
Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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My husband seems like he stopped caring about my feelings.

Customer Question

My husband seems like he stopped caring about my feelings. Before, when he would see that I was hurt or crying, he would ask me what is wrong and try to help. Now, he tells me to go to another room so he doesn't hear me cry. He has less patience as well, and loses his temper at me really fast and often
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He wants to have kids, I don't think that's a smart idea. He's made me promises that he hasn't kept so I feel like trust levels are really low on both sides. I feel like he puts all the responsibility on me about everything.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

Hi - I'm Dr. Greene and I'd be happy to help.

Can I ask how long you knew each other before you got married? Did you live together beforehand at all?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We dated for nearly a year, and no we didn't live together
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

Okay - thank you. The reason I asked is because it typically takes two years for a relationship to "settle." For the first 12-18 months people are in the infatuation stage of a relationship (where everything the other partner does is adorable, etc), and fights don't occur that often. It's when we are at our best - - - and on our best behavior.

Given that the two of you weren't together that long before you wed, it's difficult to know what your husband's typical long-term relationship behavior really is. This could, actually, be typical of him, and isn't a reflection of you at all!

That said, I think you're right not to rush into having kids because you need to have a stable connection (where communication is more open) before bringing more variables into it.

Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

Are you open to trying some new tactics when fights arise?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yeah I am
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

Okay - so, how does it go now? Do you approach him to talk during the fight? Immediately after? When the crying happens, is it in response to what he is saying, or kind of a defense mechanism for you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I try to smooth things over if we had a fight, sometimes it's immediately after, sometimes after we've both had space. Mostly I would cry if I feel he is being really inconsiderate, it hurts because he used to be very considerate.
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

I completely understand that, and don't blame you for becoming tearful. It can feel very callous when someone ignores our pain. Though, I'm not sure it's meant as a callous gesture, as yet... Oftentimes it can be very difficult to see someone cry - especially in response to our words/actions. Men, in particular, can be very bothered by this. I'm wondering if it's making him feel guilty/inadequate/upset? If so, he might respond by angrily telling you to leave the space because he doesn't know how to handle those feelings. Basically, I'm wondering if he, too, is hurt by the situation and it's becoming a vicious circle, of sorts.

Have you ever tried giving him gentle feedback that his words are upsetting you, and leaving the room of your own accord to gather your emotions (1- so you don't cry, and 2-so he knows it's not alright to be inconsiderate)?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
That could be it. There are situations where I think he wants to help but he doesn't know how to/cant. I guess at this point I just feel so drained that most of the time I snap instead of leaving the room to gather my emotions
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He also has a friend whose wife is really controlling, emotionally and otherwise and I think he's projecting that on me, to kinda not let himself end up in that situation. I am aware that sometimes I could be emotionally manipulative also so that doesn't help
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I want to go get marriage counseling for the both of us but he doesn't want to, I don't know how to let him know that I just want to learn how to communicate better with him
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

I hear you - and I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this. The stress must be so tough. Please know that I'm acknowledging that. I hope you can take some time to do what you need to do to self-soothe or spend time with friends/family that loves you. You need/deserve that.

And, the more you tell me, the more I think you're right on the money. It sounds like he may be projecting a bit (not much we can do about that, for now); but, more importantly, he may also be internalizing that helplessness. That feeling of "I used to make my wife happy and now all I do is make her cry!"

So, I'm wondering if it wouldn't help to make sure to compliment him on the things he's really doing right - make him feel like the strong, amazing man that you married again. Then, when you guys are in a really good place, it might be time to gently ask him about an issue you two have. If it's brought up when you're feeling happy (in a way that's nonconfrontational), it may work better. He'll feel less threatened, and you'll feel less attacked. Does that make sense?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
absolutely. Thanks
Expert:  Dr-A-Green replied 1 year ago.

Okay. Well, I'm rooting for you. I want things to work out to where he feels like the good man you married, and you feel taken care of/adored. I think this can happen with some changing of the cycles that you've been in.

Best of luck to you and don't hesitate to ask anything else or give me an update!

Warmly,

Dr. G

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