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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 617
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me right as we

Customer Question

Hey my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me right as we got back from Tennessee from her moms wedding we had awesome and loving Valentine weekend spending everyday with each other... We came back we had lil fight over name calling and she said she was breaking up with me. But I thought she was just saying that out of spite... But as I enter my home she followed and she began to cry and said she was unhappy and didn't want to be in relationship... And I just fell and began to cry and ask why are you doing this she began to cry... She didn't give me a legit reason why she's doing this... She doesn't want to talk to me at all... I just want her back... We've been broken up since February 15...
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Good morning. I would like to be able to help you. I'm sorry for the wait in receiving a response.

First, I'm sorry that you are in pain and dealing with this loss. It may be beneficial to understand the grief cycle during this time. We tend to go through phases of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. You will be the best judge of which phase or even phases you may be in.

It does sound that you desperately miss her. My suggestion is allowing the dust to settle and then contacting her and ask for time to discuss or process what she felt was missing in the relationship or what perpetuated the unhappiness. I know you've asked her recently to meet and it wasn't received well, but give it more time. You've apologized, but she may need to see actions toward a solution, or real changes. Maybe this conflict can bring an opportunity for you to recognize how you can grow or increase your own awareness in relationships? Regardless of the outcome with this relationship, the courtship could lend to more insight, awareness, maturity, empathy, and vulnerability which will help you in any relationship. Also, I encourage you to read "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. It helps us to understand how people give and receive love. It may help you understand what she may have needed, but more importantly, it helps you know what you need. Knowing this will help you assert and communicate your needs.

Let her see actions and steps toward your own self-actualization. You sound like you want to be a good partner--I commend you for asking for help. Julie!

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
My mom had brain surgery on Friday.... And she didn't even call or text about my mom and that really hurt me... And she received the letter and my roommate girlfriend told me she said it was nice but she wants space... I want her back so bad or just to talk to her on why is she doing this...
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Oh goodness. I'm sorry about your mother. I hope she is recovering. I would encourage you to ask for accountability from others to keep you from contacting her right now. If you apply pressure, it could lead to further rensentment. Relationships build on positive experiences, by contacting her against her wishes, you may be increasing negative experiences. Focus on you, focus on building your confidence. Try new things. Meet new people. Provide contrast in your actions from what she is seeing now.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
She even block me on everything... And deleted all the photos of us together.... I just don't understand.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I just don't know how long to wait to contact her... Or even for me on how long to hold on
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I have all the photos on my social media still.. I just care and love her so much... Her family loves me and they're very confused on why she doing this.. I know she stressing a lot from work and she's suppose to be on anti depressants started to take them then stop and I know that cause a big affectv
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I can't stop thinking of her...
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I know know that is difficult. It sounds as if she is working through something right now. At times when someone is depressed, they tend to withdraw or isolate. She may be going through a period of self-doubt and a lack of self worth. I encourage you to focus on how you can be a good friend, but from a distance. If you have people that our mutual friends maybe they can continue to check on her and her well-being. Send encouragement from a distance. For you I also suggest going new places, starting an exercise routine, engaging in a form of healthy self expression. I know that it is hard to stop the ruminating thoughts about her. I encourage you to focus on reading books. There are also apps that you can download. These apps help you deal with the break up, and they give daily suggestions for activities that can help you find a new pattern of thinking. I can send you the names of those if you would like.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Two of the apps I suggest are called "breakupmeds" and "rescue tools." I also encourage you to look at a book called "you can heal your life" by Louise Hay. It is full of affirmations and tips on overcoming the trap of negative thinking.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Do you know how I can get her back? Or even talk to me about the situation?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I think first, you have to show her respect. If she asks for time and space, you have to give that to her. If you want a future with her, you have to show her that you listen to her needs. We cannot make choices for other people. We have to allow them to do that. You can't get her back without her choosing that. I would consider giving it a minimum of one more week and then communicate to her that you would like to discuss with her what happened in the relationship and also how you can help her "as a friend" process what she may have going on. Be supportive and encouraging, but not pushy about the two of you having a future.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

http://getyourexbackpermanently.com/

Check out this link. The title may be misleading, but it teaches about coping in a breakup....

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

This is just a little excerpt of the article:

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

  • You followed the no contact rule for at least one month.
  • You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
  • You have made a few positive changes in your life.
  • You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision.
  • You have gone on at least one date during no contact.
  • You have accepted the breakup and you are OK with the fact that you may never get your ex back and this might never work for you.
  • You have accepted the fact that even if you don’t get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
She called me last week Monday upset that her little brother reaching out to me who's 15 years old. She was very upset and she like you need to stay away from my family and respect my space. She like we broke up and I know your hurting... And on Tuesday night I had the letter deliver and I haven't heard anything since... Would like to read the letter?
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
The only thing heard about the letter was from my roommate girlfriend saying she said it was nice but she needs her space..
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

mI do think you should respect her wishes. She will resent you and become angry and not be able to process what you are really wanting to indicate. Maybe you are still in post-breakup denial. I know that is difficult. If you want her back, you need to take energy you're putting toward her and focus on you and demonstrating your confidence. I am sorry you are in pain. I think the letter was a good idea, but now, let the dust settle.....

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I do hope this has been helpful and that you will accept the answer. You can reach me specifically for further support by entering CounselorJules in the question or subject line

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Give it two more weeks to settle?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I think so. But in that mean time, I want you to look at the website that I sent you and focus on yourself and your positive qualities and what you offer in a relationship....

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Give her the gift of missing you. Don't text, call, or send messages at least for that time. Don't fall into paying the "wanting it tax." When we want something badly, we seem to "pay" or suffer. You may be missing out on some critical self-empowerment time if you are too focused on just her.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

And remember your self respect. Just because she is feeling this way, does not mean that you need to process it as though you are unworthy of a loving and healthy relationship

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Are we done talking?
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Thank you so much I'll stay in contact with you
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

You're welcome and please do. Be patient with yourself. Hope you will take the time to accept and rate the answer so I receive credit for the information.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
My friend called and told me what she posted on social media. She put " it sucks being a thicker girl and they're interested but when we meet they aren't anymore " I felt hurt for a second then I realize she trying to rebound makes me notice she trying to fill that space she missing and it makes me happy that she realize what she missing... But I'm staying clam to do the 30 day no contact... Should I continue to focus on myself?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Oh goodness. It does sound like she is processing the relationship's end and doing some searching herself. I am proud of you for not overreacting. I suggest not swooping in the rescue her. She could become angry with you about interfering. She had blocked you on social media? Right? So she probably doesn't want you to even know she posted that. What are some ways, without contacting her, that you could show support or "send some love" without it being direct? I do encourage you to continue your processing and self-empowerment.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Idk ways on showing love and support without being direct..
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I'm suppose to go snowing board tonight with some friends would it okay to be back on social media again? I haven't been at all since the break up? Should I post couple of photos of me snowing board with friends. With caption "having fun trying to new things out" ? I want her to know that I can be happy within myself and I become the stronger person
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I think if you would like to share on social media that you are out and having a good time with friends, than you should. But do it because you want to share the moment. You will also probably enjoy the positive comments from other friends and this can be encouraging.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I hope that you have a good time!

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Couldn't snowboard because the snow was melting.... Went downtown with my friends.. Had fun. My friend told me I should start to delete the pics off my social media which I started too. But it brought up memories... I really want her back.. But I know I got give her space...
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I'm glad that you went out! When it comes to removing the pictures. Take your time. You don't need to rush, just do it at your pace. Everyone's grief cycle and timeline for it is different. If the memories are important to you, don't delete them, but move them to a folder where you can save them. It sounds like there were times of a positive relationship. You don't have to forget those, but right now mah not be the time to remind you of them.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
She called me at work... Being all mad with me... Saying I need to stop telling her friends to get back with me. Which I'm not at all. I haven't talk to her friends for about 2 weeks. And she said I need to stay away from her family but her aunt told me to come over anytime. I was suppose to on Friday which I didn't... And she like we broke up its through... I'm like.. I'm not even doing that
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

That would be quite frustrating. I would encourage you not to give her any energy. It feels hurtful to be blamed for something that isn't true, but I would encourage you to focus on who you are and put energy into your healing. Don't text her, don't call her, and continue hanging out with positive and supportive people.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I am available for a call if you would prefer this. I have Skype or please send your contact information for me to call you. Julie

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
XXXXX
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Please look up borderline personality disorder and if that appears to fit for you, focus on how to break free from a relationship with someone with those traits. You have to remember who you were before that relationship and remember your worth. I enjoyed visiting with you.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Will you please accept the proposed service of the call received so that credit can be received. Thank you.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Yeah boarder line disorder is on point...
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Based on what you had described during our phone conversation and in previous messages, I felt that it may be a potential fit. Thank you for following up and reading about it.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Hey Raf, wanted to touch base with you. I was hoping you could accept the service of the call and the answers provided and leave a positive rating so that I can receive credit for the information provided. It is how experts receive their ratings and satisfied customer scores.

I am hopeful that it has been helpful and that you have gained some clarity in your grief process and how to move forward in the most healthy manner. I'm also going to send you one more link about grief that I think you will find useful.

Best wishes! Julie.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I'm currently downtown at a pizza shop.. Me and friends are riding bicycle.. Having fun together :)
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I am really glad to hear that! Enjoy it!

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
She didn't responded. It's whatever I guess
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I'm sorry you didn't get a response, but the best thing that you can do right now is not put yourself in a situation to be hurt. You have to cope with your own life at this time. Continue moving forward. You have friends that clearly enjoy your company. Keep going and doing that.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I was in my office today. Just looking out my window.. I started to think what was life like 2 years ago.. I remember I use to be the Party Animal/GymIsLife/Nerd in college. And I remember this one girl that I always hang out with everyday between classes and causal go on lunches together. I remember I started to like her. I remember it was her birthday and I took her to edible arrangements to pick a gift which I plan to have on display already. She pick the one I created but she didn't know. It had message on it saying go out with me. I took the message before she notice it. I walked outside she lean over so did I as we were about to kiss. Ariel called me and I answer she said she wanted to hang out... That was last time I talk to that girl until today. I message her on Facebook. She respond pretty quick and said hey and ask how was I. I said just going through stuff and keeping my head above the water. She responded well I hope everything is well. Then she gave me her number. Then we were texting about stuff, then she asked me out to go with her with her friends on Friday night I said yeah. Then I responded we don't have to go to bar, we can just go to a pizza shop and catch up on two years of no contact. Then she texted "So um random question, why now? It's been 2 years, why did u think of me now?" I responded " Well like I said just going through stuff. And I'm reflecting back on life. On stuff I missed out of. But if you don't want to talk to me I understand. Your right it's been 2 year and I apologize from not speaking to you. " she responded I can understand that, it has been 2 years and we hav both moved on frm that. I don't hav a problem with being friends again. The past is in the past right. I reply yeah past is the past. And you know what Julie this is helping me out a lot
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

That is wonderful! I'm really glad that you are seeing past some of your pain right now. You have "contrast!" And that, sir, is a gift in disguise sometimes! I hope you get the chance to go meet up and catch up! It's definitely a great start.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I'm pretty nervous for Friday though..
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

She already knows and likes you! She agreed and so now, just go be "that guy" that she already has a positive view of. Don't let nerves or doubt hold you back! Youll do great. You seem like a gentleman. I am truly rooting for you!

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Can you call me?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.

I'm unavailable at the moment, but I can send the offer for a call in the morning? You tell me the time that is convenient :)

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Ummm can we try tomm at 7pm?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.

Sure thing... if you also have a lunch hour that works, please let me know :)

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