Good morning. I would like to be able to help you. I'm sorry for the wait in receiving a response.
First, I'm sorry that you are in pain and dealing with this loss. It may be beneficial to understand the grief cycle during this time. We tend to go through phases of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. You will be the best judge of which phase or even phases you may be in.
It does sound that you desperately miss her. My suggestion is allowing the dust to settle and then contacting her and ask for time to discuss or process what she felt was missing in the relationship or what perpetuated the unhappiness. I know you've asked her recently to meet and it wasn't received well, but give it more time. You've apologized, but she may need to see actions toward a solution, or real changes. Maybe this conflict can bring an opportunity for you to recognize how you can grow or increase your own awareness in relationships? Regardless of the outcome with this relationship, the courtship could lend to more insight, awareness, maturity, empathy, and vulnerability which will help you in any relationship. Also, I encourage you to read "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. It helps us to understand how people give and receive love. It may help you understand what she may have needed, but more importantly, it helps you know what you need. Knowing this will help you assert and communicate your needs.
Let her see actions and steps toward your own self-actualization. You sound like you want to be a good partner--I commend you for asking for help. Julie!
Oh goodness. I'm sorry about your mother. I hope she is recovering. I would encourage you to ask for accountability from others to keep you from contacting her right now. If you apply pressure, it could lead to further rensentment. Relationships build on positive experiences, by contacting her against her wishes, you may be increasing negative experiences. Focus on you, focus on building your confidence. Try new things. Meet new people. Provide contrast in your actions from what she is seeing now.
I know know that is difficult. It sounds as if she is working through something right now. At times when someone is depressed, they tend to withdraw or isolate. She may be going through a period of self-doubt and a lack of self worth. I encourage you to focus on how you can be a good friend, but from a distance. If you have people that our mutual friends maybe they can continue to check on her and her well-being. Send encouragement from a distance. For you I also suggest going new places, starting an exercise routine, engaging in a form of healthy self expression. I know that it is hard to stop the ruminating thoughts about her. I encourage you to focus on reading books. There are also apps that you can download. These apps help you deal with the break up, and they give daily suggestions for activities that can help you find a new pattern of thinking. I can send you the names of those if you would like.
Two of the apps I suggest are called "breakupmeds" and "rescue tools." I also encourage you to look at a book called "you can heal your life" by Louise Hay. It is full of affirmations and tips on overcoming the trap of negative thinking.
I think first, you have to show her respect. If she asks for time and space, you have to give that to her. If you want a future with her, you have to show her that you listen to her needs. We cannot make choices for other people. We have to allow them to do that. You can't get her back without her choosing that. I would consider giving it a minimum of one more week and then communicate to her that you would like to discuss with her what happened in the relationship and also how you can help her "as a friend" process what she may have going on. Be supportive and encouraging, but not pushy about the two of you having a future.
Check out this link. The title may be misleading, but it teaches about coping in a breakup....
This is just a little excerpt of the article:
Contacting Your Ex
Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.
mI do think you should respect her wishes. She will resent you and become angry and not be able to process what you are really wanting to indicate. Maybe you are still in post-breakup denial. I know that is difficult. If you want her back, you need to take energy you're putting toward her and focus on you and demonstrating your confidence. I am sorry you are in pain. I think the letter was a good idea, but now, let the dust settle.....
I do hope this has been helpful and that you will accept the answer. You can reach me specifically for further support by entering CounselorJules in the question or subject line
I think so. But in that mean time, I want you to look at the website that I sent you and focus on yourself and your positive qualities and what you offer in a relationship....
Give her the gift of missing you. Don't text, call, or send messages at least for that time. Don't fall into paying the "wanting it tax." When we want something badly, we seem to "pay" or suffer. You may be missing out on some critical self-empowerment time if you are too focused on just her.
And remember your self respect. Just because she is feeling this way, does not mean that you need to process it as though you are unworthy of a loving and healthy relationship
You're welcome and please do. Be patient with yourself. Hope you will take the time to accept and rate the answer so I receive credit for the information.
Oh goodness. It does sound like she is processing the relationship's end and doing some searching herself. I am proud of you for not overreacting. I suggest not swooping in the rescue her. She could become angry with you about interfering. She had blocked you on social media? Right? So she probably doesn't want you to even know she posted that. What are some ways, without contacting her, that you could show support or "send some love" without it being direct? I do encourage you to continue your processing and self-empowerment.
I think if you would like to share on social media that you are out and having a good time with friends, than you should. But do it because you want to share the moment. You will also probably enjoy the positive comments from other friends and this can be encouraging.
I hope that you have a good time!
I'm glad that you went out! When it comes to removing the pictures. Take your time. You don't need to rush, just do it at your pace. Everyone's grief cycle and timeline for it is different. If the memories are important to you, don't delete them, but move them to a folder where you can save them. It sounds like there were times of a positive relationship. You don't have to forget those, but right now mah not be the time to remind you of them.
That would be quite frustrating. I would encourage you not to give her any energy. It feels hurtful to be blamed for something that isn't true, but I would encourage you to focus on who you are and put energy into your healing. Don't text her, don't call her, and continue hanging out with positive and supportive people.
I am available for a call if you would prefer this. I have Skype or please send your contact information for me to call you. Julie
Please look up borderline personality disorder and if that appears to fit for you, focus on how to break free from a relationship with someone with those traits. You have to remember who you were before that relationship and remember your worth. I enjoyed visiting with you.
Will you please accept the proposed service of the call received so that credit can be received. Thank you.
Based on what you had described during our phone conversation and in previous messages, I felt that it may be a potential fit. Thank you for following up and reading about it.
Hey Raf, wanted to touch base with you. I was hoping you could accept the service of the call and the answers provided and leave a positive rating so that I can receive credit for the information provided. It is how experts receive their ratings and satisfied customer scores.
I am hopeful that it has been helpful and that you have gained some clarity in your grief process and how to move forward in the most healthy manner. I'm also going to send you one more link about grief that I think you will find useful.
Best wishes! Julie.
I am really glad to hear that! Enjoy it!
I'm sorry you didn't get a response, but the best thing that you can do right now is not put yourself in a situation to be hurt. You have to cope with your own life at this time. Continue moving forward. You have friends that clearly enjoy your company. Keep going and doing that.
That is wonderful! I'm really glad that you are seeing past some of your pain right now. You have "contrast!" And that, sir, is a gift in disguise sometimes! I hope you get the chance to go meet up and catch up! It's definitely a great start.
She already knows and likes you! She agreed and so now, just go be "that guy" that she already has a positive view of. Don't let nerves or doubt hold you back! Youll do great. You seem like a gentleman. I am truly rooting for you!
I'm unavailable at the moment, but I can send the offer for a call in the morning? You tell me the time that is convenient :)
Sure thing... if you also have a lunch hour that works, please let me know :)