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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1678
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Im 40yrs and i just got married to a 60yrs old man. this is

Customer Question

Im 40yrs and i just got married to a 60yrs old man.
this is my first marriage but he has been married and divorced twice with 5 children.
he says due to his age factor he doesnt want to have children with me. I want to eventually have a child of my own. What do i do . I live him and i dont want to loose him
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 9 months ago.

You could ask him if he'd let you adopt a child. But adoptions run a high risk of being a poor temperament match between mother and child, and every adopted child has been abandoned by its mother so has a deep & unconscious wound. Age 40 is also a fairly high risk age for having a first child, and his sperm could increase that risk.

forming a marriage is a challenge to create a healthy balance between love and power; and the person who says NO is exerting more power--so that's HIM. You're paying a high price for delaying your acceptance of a man into marriage; and he's not wanting to pay a high price for 1. divorcing or being divorced by 2 prior women, and 2. "robbing the cradle" by asking you to marry him (and thus taking advantage of his (possibly) higher adult achievement and wealth than yours). You're also in different stages of your lives, even if you don't notice that at present. Because soon he will probably retire from his career in the world and be at home, possibly also wanting more time and adaptability from you than you'll be comfortable giving to him, ONCE THE 3 YEAR honeymood-stage of marriage has passed.

So as an initial response, I'm saying: "Look into the future of your time together with him,. Sketch out what you'll be doing in 3 years (when the romantic feelings subside somewhat, and you both need some other aspects of life you LOVE to keep you happy) in 6 years (when he might be ending his full-time work), in 10 years (he's retired, you're not?), in 15 years (his health could be declining, slowly or rapidly), in 20 years (what's that look like?). After you've imagined your life together WITHOUT a growing child of your own and WITH your interactions with HIS grown children, THEN start injecting YOUR little child into the scenes at 3 yrs (just born), 6 yrs (toddler, dad's interest determined by HIS other activities and comparisons to his past children), 10 yrs (etc.)

Then decide what you think and feel about those 2 alternative life-lines. And consider this: You HAVE made a significant choice at a late stage of your fertility: What are your options and chances if you try to undo it and start over.

I'm suggesting that you recruit your imagination (plus intuition) and your thinking (plus feeling) for evaluating your options. Not just your feeling and perhaps past imagination about having a child of your own. You could also ask other women your age and beyond for their evaluation. But they could confuse you if you haven't ALREADY done your own evaluation by using the steps I've suggested.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Im too confused i dont know what your answers mean. I just want an answer in black and white. As to what i should do.
i even brought up the idea of sperm injected into me but ge said that idea is totaly absurd.
his reasons for not wanting child is
1. His age factor which he is afraid can have effect on the child.
2. He say he doesnt have the stamina to look after new baby at this age.
but what about me.? Every woman dreams and wishes to be a mother. I too want have a child.
i havent told my parents of this marriage yet. And although we got married 10 days ago but dating for the last 2 years. I still live in my appartment and he lives with his two children. He requested that i slowly move in by the summer in june once his son finishes his semester and does not feel invaded.i agreed to this deal. But i feel sooooo lonely, empty and sad. And especiallymore after his adamancy on not to have a baby someday.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Im too confused i dont know what your answers mean. I just want an answer in black and white. As to what i should do.
i even brought up the idea of sperm injected into me but ge said that idea is totaly absurd.
his reasons for not wanting child is
1. His age factor which he is afraid can have effect on the child.
2. He say he doesnt have the stamina to look after new baby at this age.
but what about me.? Every woman dreams and wishes to be a mother. I too want have a child.
i havent told my parents of this marriage yet. And although we got married 10 days ago but dating for the last 2 years. I still live in my appartment and he lives with his two children. He requested that i slowly move in by the summer in june once his son finishes his semester and does not feel invaded.i agreed to this deal. But i feel sooooo lonely, empty and sad. And especiallymore after his adamancy on not to have a baby someday.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 9 months ago.

I'll be out and about doing errands and voting in Georgia Primary. But I will stop what I'm doing to talk to you. Your husband's concerns sound pretty mild and considerate, and like he's a good father. My cell phone can't receive communications from Just Answer, so I'll have to know before I go out, so I can call you.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 9 months ago.

I'll be available for a phone call as soon as you accept the charge the management has set, and we can then exchange phone numbers. I'll be out voting and taking care of business for my wife.

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 9 months ago.

Now your posts indicate that you don't want additional service via phone call. So I'll respond again on this site. I already responded on another version to say you could promise to take responsibility for the child you want until the age of 5, when he or she would go to school. I also wrote that you seem to be separating from perhaps overly protective or even smothering parents by getting married to this older man, and that must be very challenging for you. You have dated long enough to know him pretty well; but marriage can still change relationships a lot. So I'd advise that you give the marriage 2 more years (and get your parents used to it also, unless you're convinced you have to hide from them) before you have a baby, because you wouldn't want that to dissolve the marriage.

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