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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2807
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Ex girlfriend/finace. Supposed to be married in 3 months and

Customer Question

Ex girlfriend/finace. Supposed to be married in 3 months and broke it off. She says she needs space and time, and that I got lazy in the last month of our 2.5 year relationship and I didnt do the little things anymore to be the person she fell in love with.
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: We broke up year and a half ago. She moved away for 3 months to do a residency 5 hours away. During that time werent engaged yet, but she went through the hot/cold, flip flop of emotions for weeks until I finally told her that I wasnt doing that anymore and wished her good luck. 2 weeks later she came home to visit and showed up at my doorstep crying. We got back together, a year later got engaged. No cheating, no lying. I have a house from before and we also have a house (she bought in July) that we were going to live in once we were married in May of this year. I have been working evenings and weekends on upgrades to my house so it will sell faster and for more $ so we dont have 2 house payments when we are married. During that time, I have been stressed and overloaded, she hasnt helped much on my house projects, and it ended up in a fight 2 weeks ago with her feeling enough love and attention and me taking the ring back. We had no contact for several days, to let the emotions calm down, and we finally just sat down to talk 2 days ago. We got everything out on the table, she said that she needs time to clear her head. She went from "no hugging or kissing" when we first met to her hugging me and kissing me when I was leaving. Since I have sent flowers and cards for her birthday (yesterday) and tried to do some of the little things that she said were missing (the random "I love you" texts", etc.). We texted a lot yesterday. This morning she tells me that she needs time and doesnt want to get each other's hopes up, and that she wasnt trying to give me false hope the other day when she broke down and started kissing and hugging on my after our sit down talk.
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Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

I am so sorry to hear of your pain and struggle for both of you. It is clear that both of you love each other dearly and things have gotten off track due to normal life getting in the way. Since she has asked for some time and space, the best thing you can do is give that to her. I know you may feel that if you give that to her she will just move on, but pushino or asking for more could cause her to fully pull away. She has come back to you before and may come back again if she is able to have this time to clear her head and feel what she feels. You can let her know that you desire to be with her and will do what it takes to make that happen, and if that means space right now, you will honor it.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
We have been through this before. I was hoping at first it was cold feet. I have been married before, in a marriage that ended from my ex wife having an affair. She has never been married before. Yes, life does seem to get in the way, and things in life need attended to when they come up. But that doesnt mean that I removed her and us as the ultimate priority, I had things to complete. And in the end I was doing these things on my house for us, for our benefit. There are no major fundamental issues in our relationship. Her longest relationship has been well under a year, and she has never had someone invest themselves in her. She has never been in a relationship long enough to realize that just about every relationship that lasts gets to this point. The key is to understand the problem and resolve it, and correct it. I will say that I have shown less affection this past month, just because I own a business and also working on my house projects has ran me down. I asked her for help and she literally helped me one evening. She is only 26 yrs old and I think that she has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe she needs to learn more life lessons and get the realization that life is hard sometimes, but its only for a short season and you get through it together, for the ones that are strong enough for each other to make it work. I am at a crossroad that I need to go no contact and start thinking of me, and move on, or keep the open heart for a while in case she does come back around. In my experience the open heart never works out and going no contact generally gets women thinking they are losing you and speeds up the process either way. I dont care to give her space, but I cant wait around and be tormented when she does start sending the "I miss you" text that are shallow and dont resolve anything.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

I understand all of that and yes she is young and hashe not had the life experience you have. Again, let her know what you desire and then remove contact and let her get her stuff together. You will know quickly whether she can or cannot and then make a decision that works best for you.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

At 26 she may not yet have the view of too much outside herself...at that age we all are a bit more self absorbed and when you mentioned how she only helped you one evening, it brought that to mind. and that also may be why it is easier for her to move in and out of the relationship with you. Your experiences differ greatly from hers, so I think this time alone can help her to see things differently or it may keep her in her more self focused views. But you get to decide if any of that works for you moving forward. Let me know how else I can support you.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so I may be credited for my time. I am here if you need.

Thanks so much in advance.

Jen

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