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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3318
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My gf and I mutually agreed to no longer be a couple, (after

Customer Question

My gf and I mutually agreed to no longer be a couple, (after 2 yrs) however, we live together. I have depression issues...which drove her away. I want to get back with her, but she says we are done. It's been about 3 weeks. I recently started therapy and will seeek meds for depression. How can I show/let her know that I CAN change and connect with her 100% and fulfill all her needs? ***** *****
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: She said we are done...basically fed up with my stubborn attitude. I love her to death, but failed to show her. I need to convunce her that I am making 100% effort to change and learn how to love and totally commit to our relationship.
JA: OK got it. Last thing — Counselors generally expect a deposit of about $18 to help with your type of question (you only pay if satisfied). Now I'm going to take you to a page to place a secure deposit with JustAnswer. Don't worry, this chat is saved. After that, we will finish helping you.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am glad you are getting into therapy and exploring all ways to feel better. I don't think it is a matter of convincing her of anything...I think focusing on yourself and feeling better is the only way to go right now and in doing so, she will see on her own that you are doing well and in that time, it is possible for reconnection to happen. I think if oyu push her or get her to try to see things, it won't work. Let it be natural and as you feel better you will have more zest and can be the many YOU want to be. Let things settle and play out, work on yourself and slowly a renewed connection can take place.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I agree with TherapistJen. It sounds to me that you should definitely let the dust settle, focus on adjusting more, foci on developing your own insight, and also learning more about relationships and communication. Actions speak more loudly than words. The last thing you want to do is push this woman further away and create a message in yourself that continues to contribute to depression. Work on thought patterns and increase your confidence. Also keep in check the possibility of co-dependence. Make sure you're doing this for you and not just to impress anyone else. Sounds like you are a caring and empathetic person, but don't base your own worth on simply an opinion of someone else.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you both. My other issue is she is dating someone else and it kills me cuz we live together and to see/know this hurts. I'm hoping it is a rebound situation and won't last. But I make no comments and do not ask any questions, just hurts. I maintain my composure. And to twist the knife, most weekend nights she doesn't come home.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

How are you spending your time while she is out? Focusing on what she is doing? Are you engaging in healthy outlets?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

And have you thought about boundaries where you guys can have your own places?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

This break up is hard for you and that is completely normal....made more difficult by the fact that you live together so each time you see her or know she is out with another, the wound remains fresh. What are the plans to remain in this living situation? I know you desire to keep things as they are in the hope that she changes her mind, but that doesn't help you to focus on your treatment and getting back to living a peaceful and content life. I can see how all of this compounds your sadness, but as I mentioned in my first response to you that your health and well being are what is crucial right now. I know part of you believes that if she was with you that all would be well, but we know from what you have been dealing with, that hasn't been true. As best you can keep the focus on your health and well being and find some things that you enjoy doing...maybe even look at some new things, things you have never tried before...this also puts you in a position to be around new people and see fresh faces who might share similar passions.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Let me know how else I can support you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We have set boundaries. No one comes to the house. We do get along and are very civil to each other. I don't ask her any questions and give her all the space she needs.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am glad there are boundaries set, but you still see her often enough to feel hope and desire for things to be different. Right now she desires to be apart and the best thing that can be done is for you to focus on yourself and live your life. Ifor it is meant to be, then it will. Focus on you now as you are important and deserve to feel happiness and contentment.

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