Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
It does sound like you have a tendency to self-sabotage. Have you thought about the patterns that you have engaged in and where they may have stemmed from? Sounds a bit like a defense mechanism related to anxiety? I would look at common defense mechanisms and explore your options in deterring negative thought patterns that perpetuate the desire for "fight or flight."
Since you have latched onto a persistent pattern that's preventing you from taking on some of the most important challenges in life (such as commitment to a love relationship also, perhaps) it would be best to engage a fully trained psychologist, social worker, Licensed Professional Counselor, or Marriage & Family Therapist to dig into your growth and development. If you're hoping to get THE answer to your problems here online, your question by itself is not enough for an expert to work from. However If you would offer here to "dream interpretation" a (recent or not) very bothersome dream AND be willing to discuss it in some depth in relation to your waking life at the time of the dream, I could offer quite a bit of direction-finding for your future progress.
If you are approaching or past age 30, it is highly appropriate that you're disturbed about your present habit(s). For that is a normal threshold of serious commitment to adulthood and all of its challenges--about this the most profound and popular poppsych book of the 1980s The Road Less Traveled opened with 3 words: "Life is difficult." This book by M. Scott Peck grew from the depth psychology of C. G. Jung.