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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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My partner has made things horribly hard and wants to split

Customer Question

My partner has made things horribly hard and wants to split up for no reason how can i coping with this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am very sorry that your partner want to end the relationship, I can understand how hard this can be for you. What I noticed from your brief description is that you have tried to be more amendable to him to try to make this relationship work. The problem here is that he has to make an effort as well, as repairing a relationships takes both partners making equal effort. If you are the only one that is changing than the relationship will ultimately fail because he will not change and some of the problems you two had will continue.

Right now you have to grieve over the loss of relationship and it will be hard, but you will overcome this as it just takes time. Try to write a letter to him detailing all of your thoughts and feelings about this break-up, both negative and positive. But instead of mailing the letter, instead dispose of it as you wish. A good way to do this would be to burn the letter...this will be very cathartic for you as you are letting go of your thoughts and feelings both literally and figuratively.

In addition, you can try a thought stopping technique where you wear a rubber band 24/7 and every time you think about him you are directed to snap the rubber band. This will cause a mild pain allowing you to re-focus your thoughts elsewhere. In addition, the brain will start to associate mild pain with thoughts of him, so the mind will try to prevent you from thinking about him on a subconscious level.

Ultimately you want to surround yourself with friends and family, and to go out doing pleasurable activities to help distract you and to help you heal in the mean time. There is not going to be a quick fix in coping, as it will take time, but you will overcome this.

Remember though that you tried to make the relationship work by changing, but he was the one that refused to change and it was his choice to leave the relationship rather than work on it with you. You cannot be faulted for his cowardice as you stayed, so do not feel that you did anything wrong. I truly wish you all the best and I hope you can heal from this very soon.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I hope this answers your question and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating at the top of the page so that I can get credit for helping you. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It's not over yet I meant how do I cope with him acting differently but not ending it for sure?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I understand now. You should not be able to cope with him acting differently as he must communicate with you on why things have changed in order for this to be a successful relationship. I would recommend talking to him and allowing him the opportunity to open up to explain what has changed within him and how you both can work on this together. Knowing that you are there to support him can help him to be more comfortable about this situation to allow him to discuss the matter with you. If he will not open up through verbal conversation than you should consider writing him a letter detailing your thoughts and feelings about his change in behavior. Ultimately you should not just cope and allow this change of behavior to continue, as you deserve to know what is going on in his mind...communication is a foundation of any healthy relationship. If he himself is not sure what is going on or is just unable to express himself with you than you should consider suggesting couple's therapy as this can be helpful for him to understand his thoughts and feelings and to communicate more effectively with you.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating at the top of the page so that I can get credit for helping you. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.