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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3204
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My boyfriend and I have been together months. I am 43 and he

Customer Question

Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I am 43 and he is 47. We met online and have been inseparable since we met. However, I recently found out that he was not really forthcoming about how long it has been since his last serious relationship ended. It was a very tumultuous relationship that lingered long past the break-up point - with bouts of contact with hopes of rekindling. She suffers from bipolar disorder and he harbors a lot guilt for finally getting out of the relationship. Well, recently, she contacted him (without my knowledge) and "guilted" him (his words) into booking a trip for them to go to a yoga retreat. She is apparently seeing someone as well and wanted to keep it hush hush. She wanted to go with my boyfriend simply because she feels that he is the only one that understands her. I found out. He immediately said that he had no intensions of going and that he doesn't want to be with her. That he wants to build something with me. He told me that he was going to cancel the trip and not go. I am at a crossroads here. I love him and want to believe that he wants to build something with me - however, I am struggling to understand all of this and why he would do it if he was with me. He said that he is extremely disappointed in himself and that he hates that he did this to us - that now we always will have this lingering. Should I let it go? He has cancelled the tickets and showed me the cancelation. Can I trust this man?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I think he made the initial choice out of some lingering feelings of guilt about leaving the relationship. Once you began talking about it and he has seen that it was a mistake he has rectified it. sometimes endings aren't clean and they can linger, but that does not mean he doesn't feel strongly for you. It sounds to me like he wants to build something with you, so I believe trusting him, trusting what you are building and letting all of this go is the right way to go here.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks, ***** ***** is definitely what I want to do but I am finding it so hard. My ex-husband cheated on me for years which ultimately ended the relationship. I know that it my baggage but this feels a little to familiar to me...bad feelings are resurfacing. I am afraid that I am going to become needy and needing constant reassurance from my boyfriend that he wants to be with me and not her. I hate that feeling but I will try to recognize it and move on. Thank you.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

So great that you see where those feelings are coming from and how his recent behavior has brought it all up. In a quiet, loving moment between the two of you, I would remind him of your past pain and how this has brought it up and how you desire for a different experience here with him. Just hearing that could help him to be more mindful of how his actions affect you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. Have a good day!
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am here again if you need. Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support. I am not credited for my time without it. Thanks in advance.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Lisa, please take a moment to click on the rating tab so that I may receive credit for my time. Thanks so much.

Jen

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