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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3146
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I'm in my early/mid-twenties and in a dilemma right now.

Customer Question

My name is***** in my early/mid-twenties and in a dilemma right now. When I was younger, I always had this dream of finding someone who is handsome, tall and rich. My first love was someone like this. He seemed like to appear one day and swept me off my feet. Until he got tired of me, and dropped me after a year. (He actually got sick of me after half a year, but was too lazy to break up, that’s what he told me that on the day of our breakup!).
After this disaster I was really heartbroken and met my current boyfriend. He seemed the complete opposite of my ex-boyfriend: He was caring, a good listener, completely relatable and loves me to no end. He is unsuccessful and beside his mature age still financially dependent from his parents, but that didn’t bother me. To be honest, I wasn’t very into his looks or his character either, my friends actually made fun of me, asking how I come to date someone that old and ugly. I was hurt by this comments, but held on the relationship because of the way he treated me.
Beside my family, there wasn’t anyone in the world who cares that much for me. I learned so much from him, he showed me the world, he like a father, a teacher, an older brother in one. I was a student, when we started dating, but I’m graduating this year. In just one year, I have grown so much. I have started building my career, but he hasn’t changed much.
Nowadays he is asking me to settle down with him, to marry him. He is asking me to trust him, trust him that he will build up a career that he will take care of me and our future family. I do trust him, I can’t imagine a life without him, but on the other side I see all my friends going out with young, handsome guys, with guys that are successful. The make mistakes together, experience their first in anything together and I can’t help but be jealous of them.
My boyfriend has done so much for me, I can’t let him down, over time I have really become dependent on him, but on the other hand, I can’t help but feel that there is someone better out there. I don’t know, I have tried breaking up with him one time, but came back only after a couple of hours, because that hurt so much. But with him I’m hurting as well. I even promised him, that I’ll never leave him again, I can’t hurt him. What do I do now?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Hi Lily, I hear how you love and care for him and hear how he feels the same for you. I also hear how you desire more...desire to see what is out there and also that your goals and abilities in life may be different. He may have been just what you needed at a younger time for you, but now as you are growing, maturing and experiencing new things in the world, it may not be where you end up together. There is always pain around any break up an dI am not saying to break up with him. I am saying that you think ling and hard about what you want from a relationship long term...not about looks or fantasies, but what you desire for yourself with the man you marry and build a family. I hear your dilemma but I also hear what you already may know but are too afraid to make the change. Go easy on yourself and give yourself some time. Don't sell your dreams short. He may be all of the wonderful things you mention, but that does not mean it ends up being the fulfilling relationship you desire.

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